Chapter 2: Reviews, Regret, and Real Life

I born with cold body. No matter how many wrapper I use for harmattan, my hand and leg still dey cold like ice throughout the night.

I remember back then for village, my grandma go tuck me under three wrapper, still na my body go dey do shiver. Even when other people dey sweat, na so I go dey find where to roast myself like bole for gutter. This cold body wahala don tire me since small pikin time.

Lately, everywhere for Facebook and WhatsApp, na succubus people dey talk about. Dem resemble human being, loyal like puppy, sabi do housework, and the most important—dem dey warm bed well.

Na so WhatsApp status and Facebook dey full with meme and stories: "Get yourself a succubus, e go treat you better than any Lagos boyfriend." I dey see girls dey show off their own for group chat. Everybody dey flex. E be like say na new trend.

As harmattan dey near, I talk say make I buy one try am.

You know Naija way, once cold enter body, everybody dey rush for solution. Some dey buy thick sweater, some dey light firewood. Me, I say make I join the new wave—if succubus fit solve cold, why not?

But succubus no be ordinary thing wey you just buy anyhow—dem be living beings. Once you buy am, na for life you go dey responsible. No return, no discard after use. You gats ready for commitment.

Na so dem talk for group: "No return o! You carry, you own am! If e dey vex, you go calm am by yourself." I reason say, this one pass buying dog. Na spiritual commitment, no be small play.

So I come dey careful. Before I buy, I do my research. People for WhatsApp group talk say: "To raise succubus na like to raise puppy. If you spend time with am and treat am well, loyalty go choke you."

"Succubus dey clingy and loyal like puppy. Just wave hand, e go rush come, tail dey wag. No be better pass boyfriend?"

"Girls, abeg just try am—no think too much! I buy one, I dey report back: as long as you dey feed your succubus, anything you want, e go do am. The experience na ogbonge."

"Advice: if your body no too strong, abeg no pick succubus wey too get power—you no go fit handle."

"Na true! Succubus get too much energy. When I still dey craze, I buy the super strong version. Now, I dey bed for two days—lesson learnt."

People dey yarn true life gist. One girl talk say after one night, she get to take two days off work. I just dey laugh for corner, dey reason if I go fit survive am.

I come dey reason. Energy... E mean say I go dey carry succubus go walk like dog?

I picture myself for street, holding leash, neighbours dey look me one kind. Na Naija we dey o, person fit put am for Instablog sharp sharp. I just dey imagine, I go explain tire.

I scroll reach another review.

"Succubus get different type of personality: some dey hot, some cold, some dey cheerful, some dey moody, some calm, some dey run mouth... The koko na to choose the one wey fit you."

"To return or exchange dey wahala. Most succubus no dey refundable once you sign."

For the reviews, one aunty yarn say her own dey talk too much, another say e too quiet. E just show say na packaging matter—choose well.

After all the reviews, I get small idea of wetin I dey expect.

I jot down all my options for jotter, dey compare like person wey wan buy car. Which one go fit my vibe?

But my pocket no strong. I wait some days, finally see one shop for Jumia wey dey do awoof sales.

Hunger na bastard. I see discount, my eye shine. For this economy, na who dey miss awoof?

The homepage get plenty succubus poster—I no even know which one to pick.

All of them fine, dey pose like Instagram model. Some dey wink, some dey form shy. I just dey lost for choice.

I message customer service: "Hi, abeg, I need gentle male succubus wey fit dey warm bed."

I reason say make I try male. I hear say dem hot, dem dey radiate heat like generator. I no want make cold catch me this year.

I hear say male succubus dey hot pass, so e go fit warm my hand and leg. Who know, maybe female own too go cold like me.

For my mind, I dey pray make I no go buy spiritual fridge join my problem.

Customer service: "Hello, darling, I dey here~"

Sharp response, I feel like VIP. Even the chat dey shine with pink emoji.

Small time, customer service send me succubus poster. "Based on wetin you want, I recommend this model~"

"This succubus go give you ultimate gentleness, every night you go enjoy happiness wey go make you high~"

The way dem take hype am sef, e too much.

Na so I dey laugh, type "abeg reduce your mouth, just tell me the price."

"Sweetie, the one wey you pick dey on flash sale now. Your eye sharp!"

As I see the price, na so my hand begin shake. E be like free gift. I dey suspect make dem no scam me.

I pause as I see the mad discount. E no too good to be true?

Even my spirit dey tell me to double-check. Na Naija, shine your eye.

I never even reason finish, customer service don come again.

"Darling~ abeg order fast. Our succubus na original and dem dey healthy die."

"And the discount na only today—if you miss am, e don go! If you like am, order sharp sharp."

Pressure dey mount. I just dey laugh, dey type slow. But my heart dey beat like drum.

Dem come send me video of the succubus.

For the video, the succubus dey sit down well, dey do small pose, like say na modeling audition. Him animal ear just dey move like person wey dey listen to music for inside bus.

The succubus sit down well, animal ear dey shake, tea-colour eye dey look camera like say, "Abeg carry me go house, madam."

I even zoom the video—no filter, e be like say e dey beg me with him eye. My heart dey melt, e remain make I send account balance.

So obedient—my body just melt as I see am.

I just dey imagine myself for harmattan, this one dey cuddle me for night. Ah, e go sweet o.

Me: "Na real? No be say e go different when I see am for real?"

My village people fit dey involved, so I must confirm say na wetin I see I go get.

Customer service: "Na original, no colour difference. The video na the succubus himself. Each succubus get him own size and character. You no go see another like am."

I rub my chin, dey nod. This one sound authentic. I dey impressed.

I say okay.

Me: "E go need make I dey carry am go walk?"

If e come get too much energy, I no go fit dey run up and down. I get office work o.

Customer service: "...No need, darling."

"But if you want, we fit add leash and collar join as free gift~"

The way dem add ~ for end, e be like say dem dey wink for me from screen. I dey blush, dey type back.

Me: "Okay."

Better make I collect leash, just in case. My friends go laugh die if dem hear this gist.

Just in case the energy too much, make leash dey.

You know say for Naija, person wey dey overactive, dem fit lock am for house. Leash go help me manage the package if e dey too ginger.

After all my question, I pay for gentle, obedient succubus.

I hold my chest, do small prayer—if this thing go wahala me, make e no too much.

As I finish, one announcement pop up:

"Shop announcement: This shop dey sell at loss. No return after you sign~"

Na so my mind rest small. If e too bad, I fit block dem, but I know say I don sign spiritual agreement. No shaking.

No wahala. The discount too sweet—no return dey normal, and I don see the succubus for video.

I tell myself say, if e bad reach, I fit dey manage. After all, for Lagos we dey always improvise.

Two days later, finally, on Saturday morning as I still dey sleep, delivery come.

I wake up, rub eye, look outside. The delivery guy just dey smile, give me knowing wink. E even talk say, "Aunty, your parcel na heavy o!"

Excited, I open door. Na the succubus wey I see for video stand for outside: white pointed ear, slim tail wey end with small heart.

Omo, e fine no be here. I even forget say I dey wear net for hair, I greet am like say na VIP.

Him tea-colour eye dey shine, smile gentle like breeze, fine face, fair skin, everything just dey gentle.

I dey try hold myself, make I no hug am sharp sharp. My body dey ginger.

"Madam." E bend small, him heart-shape tail stretch to my hand, like say e dey offer himself.

Na so e carry respect for body. I just dey trip.

Na that time I see another succubus behind am, face dey squeeze.

As I spot the second one, my heart skip. I dey reason say na neighbour pikin, but e get tail too. I come dey suspect this delivery.

Ah-ah? Why another one dey here?

I look delivery guy, he just dey whistle, dey waka go. Na so e dump wahala for my doorstep.

I think say maybe dem mix package, but the dark-skinned succubus look me and still call, "Madam."

The confidence for him voice no be here. I come dey wonder if na me dem suppose deliver to at all.

Me: ...

I just mute, dey process everything. Na so two spiritual beings dey my corridor.

Two?

Both na my own?

I dey look up and down, dey search for hidden camera. I no sure if na prank or real.

I hold two heart-shape tail for hand.

The white-ear one talk gentle, "Madam, if you no get problem, make we start the contract now~"

Na so e dey fast. Before I even blink, dem don dey set everything.

Wait, make I think—

As I dey reason, na so light just shine from their tail. My body just warm. E be like say Holy Ghost fire enter my palm.

White light come out from their tail tip, land for their palm, e warm. Before I know, contract don seal.

I just dey look my hand—nothing dey, but I feel the heat. I reason say, e be like spiritual SIM card I just activate.