Chapter 2: Shame, Survival, and Small Victories

Chijioke stand for front of the bridal keke, no fit hold himself again, beg for his oga, Okoli Yanli:

Chijioke face dey squeeze. As people dey load my small bag inside keke, him dey run from one side to the other, sweat dey his face. Even mama Amaka, wey dey sell boli for junction, dey watch am.

"Few days ago, oga order plenty red lace from Mama Kemi for the textile shop, even send person go Abuja buy expensive daughter’s palm wine. No be say na for your marriage, madam?"

Chijioke voice dey tremble as e talk. He dey use style ask me whether I no dey see all the arrangement. People for compound dey turn head, dey follow the gist.

As I no answer, Chijioke tiptoe, point at the jar for my hand:

He stretch neck, almost fall. 'See am! Na the same jar wey oga talk about, abi?' His eye dey shine with hope say I go explain better.

"Oga talk say, when you fill the jar, he go marry you carry you enter house. Now wey suffer don finish and jar don full, why you dey go, madam?"

I reason am, I come dey wonder whether I dey too stubborn.

I just dey look the clay jar, dey remember every night wey I struggle to count coins by lantern light. Maybe I dey do pass myself. Maybe I suppose gree marry am with my church mind. But pride still dey push me.

Last year when I reach Okoli family, na time to chop. I small, lean, my clothes tear everywhere. I fear make dem no look me less, so I peep the food for table, bow my head, swallow spit gently.

I remember as I sneak look the steaming jollof rice for their table. Everybody eye dey my body. My slippers dey cry under my foot. I swallow spit, pretend say I no dey hungry.

Okoli Yanli look me with big eye, like say I dey smell. He wave hand like person dey chase fowl from kitchen.

The thing pain me well, but I still bone. Na so Chijioke rush beg am, 'Oga, no do am like dat.'

Papa Okoli drop him spoon, shout for am say, when Okoli family run from hunger that year, if no be person wey give Grandpapa one spoon food, Okoli Yanli no go dey here today dey look down on me.

Papa Okoli voice heavy, the room quiet. Even the clock for wall stop to tick. Na so he turn face Yanli, 'Wetin make you forget your own people history?'

Papa Okoli talk am serious say, since na ancestral help, Okoli family no go forget am.

Him eye dey red, he knock table small. 'Person wey help your papa for hard time, you wan take play?' Even mama for kitchen come look door, try peep the matter.

But as I see Okoli Yanli face dey squeeze, him dey wear fine lace cloth, I just dey doubt.

E be like say all the fine fine cloth wey he dey wear dey give am one kind pride. Na so he twist mouth, look me from head reach toe, as if I be nothing.

I no talk, but my inside dey burn. If to say tears fit cure hunger, I for don full river.

...Maybe, I for just forget this marriage; use Okoli Yanli do white yam chop go better.

I reason am—abeg, make I use this marriage matter cook better yam, move on with my life. Marriage no be by force, abi?

Before I fit talk, Okoli Yanli shift him eye, see the empty sugar clay jar for table, hiss:

He just bend head, hiss sotay the thing vex me. He point the jar like say na punishment tool.

"I fit marry you, but you no fit just dey chop and use Okoli family thing anyhow, come still expect us to give you bride price join. I no go stress you. As you fit fill this clay jar, I go marry you. If Aunty Rose no gree, no wahala. Okoli family no go give you bridal keke or wedding dress."

His voice come low, but everybody hear am. I dey look the jar, dey reason the wahala wey dey ahead.

Him eye dey full of mockery, like say I just come here to chop free food all in the name of marriage.

Even the small children for compound dey giggle. One aunty for corner dey whisper, 'See as this girl dey disgrace herself.' I bone face, hold my chest, but inside me, e dey pain me.

Well, he no sabi me at all.

He never see stubborn woman like me. My mama talk say na only person wey get coconut head dey survive for this life.

I no be lazy woman wey dey chop free food.

If dem like, make dem tie hunger for my leg, I go still find way survive. I dey cook, I dey clean, I dey hustle my own.

I sabi wash cloth, cook, weave mat, sew shoe, do embroidery, draw pattern—anything at all.

I dey hard for myself, but I dey put hand for everything. My cousin call me 'Jack of all trade', but I sabi wetin dey do me.

I dey hardworking, I fit make better life for myself. I dey plait hair for small girls, dey sew Ankara patch for neighbor wrapper.

Sometimes I go look mirror, talk to myself: 'Lilian, na you be your own backbone.'

I hug that small clay jar, look Okoli Yanli for eye:

I raise head well, talk with my chest, 'E no go better for laziness.' My voice no even shake, even as I dey shiver inside.

"Na agreement."

Na so everybody for parlour pause. Chijioke just nod head, 'Madam, you go make am.' Chijioke always dey scratch head when wahala too much.

I think say the jar small, e go easy to fill.

Na so dem dey deceive person. First day, I put two coins, happy say tomorrow e go reach half. I no know say wahala dey wait me.

At first, I no dey sleep for half month, dey draw embroidery pattern, dey do knots for people. The money quick cover the bottom of the jar.

I dey use candle dey see night, my finger dey pain me. Sometimes I go nap for stool, wake up, continue work. Chijioke dey help buy water for me. Even market women dey hail me, 'Lilian, you too sabi.' Women dey hawk pepper, children dey chase each other, and generator dey hum for back.

But na Chijioke collect most of the money.

Every time I make small money, Chijioke go collect am talk say na upkeep. E dey tire person.

I hug the jar wey just dey jangle with three ten-naira coins, go ask Chijioke, but the coins dey for Okoli Yanli table.

I look Chijioke, my eye dey question am. He just look ground, no fit answer me. I sigh, carry my jar go Yanli side.

Okoli Yanli dey for waterside shade, dey listen to Fuji music, dey look flower with him chop-chop friends.

As I reach there, the music dey play loud, boys dey laugh anyhow. Smell of suya dey everywhere, but my mind dey on the jar.

Chijioke sabi say I dey work night, no fit look the black under my eyes:

He shift leg, rub neck, talk low, 'Madam, no vex, na oga say make I dey collect everything.'

"Oga talk say, madam dey chop and live for Okoli family, apart from food and shelter, kerosene, paper, biro money join..."

Na every small thing dem dey calculate. Sometimes I dey think say, even if I sneeze, dem go write am for list.

April sun dey shine, Okoli Yanli rest for railing, just carry cup dey look me:

He dey do like say I be stranger. The way him dey sip drink, you go think say na king for palace.

"Aunty Rose, you feel say you fit dey chop and drink free before you even marry enter?"

He raise eyebrow, small smile dey play for mouth. As if e dey find my trouble.

As if him remember something, Okoli Yanli laugh small:

He shake head, 'You dey rush marry me?'

"Abi you dey rush marry me, you no fit wait?"

His friends dey echo am, dey use me catch cruise.

As him dey yarn, those yeye friends begin dey look me dey laugh:

One of dem point, laugh loud. The other one shout, 'Omo, na this one dey call wahala wife o!'

"Young Master Okoli fine sha—if na me be city babe, I go redeem myself marry am."

All dem city babes dey shine eye for Yanli, dey shake their artificial hair. Dem dey snap selfie for corridor, dey gossip about who go marry rich. I just stand, dey watch.

"Young girl own na plenty feeling; now wey night dey warm, day dey long, better to sleep with person wey you like."

I hear dem gossip, I just dey use mind dey draw pattern for sand. E pain me, but I no fit show am.

All these talk dey make Okoli Yanli happy. He point the coins wey I sweat collect:

He carry my coins, throway am for me like say na dash. I look am, try smile, but my eye dey hot.

"Well said. Carry this money go enjoy palm wine."

I no talk. The insult long, but na pride dey hold me. Dem dey wait for me to break, but I just stand.

As he dash my sweat money, Okoli Yanli dey look me well, dey wait make I vex or cry.

His friends dey tap am, dey whisper, 'Oga, you wicked o.'

But he miss am.

I stiff body, carry face up. Na so I dey do if person wan make me shame for public.

When I stubborn, I no dey cry or shout. Poor person sef get pride:

I remember my mama voice: 'No let dem see your tears, e fit be pepper for their soup.'

"Abeg, every grass and paper, rent and food for Okoli family, Young Master Okoli, abeg write am down. I believe say Young Master Okoli na correct man, he no go bully him own fiancée."

People for side dey clap small. Even Chijioke grin, scratch head, dey proud of me.

After that, to save money come hard well.

I dey count every kobo like say na egg. Sometimes, I dey ask myself, 'Lilian, you sure say this marriage no go kill you?'

For rainy season, I dey break ice wash cloth; for dry season, I dey weave mat, sew shoe. Ice and bamboo dey cut my hand every time. But if I stubborn, I fit bear the pain.

Even when my hand dey bleed, I go still dey hustle. Every night, I dey rub balm, tie wrapper for hand, pray say tomorrow go better.

But to chop for Okoli family, dem get fruit and cake wey fine pass wetin I ever see. But those things cost money. I no fit buy am.

Sometimes, I go dey look their pineapple upside-down cake, the thing dey shine, but I go just chew my garri jejely. Hunger dey teach person patience.

Okoli Yanli go just taste small, throway the rest for my front. If he see say I dey look am, he go just talk anyhow:

His voice go loud, e wan make sure say everybody hear.

"Lilian, I don see plenty women like you. Lazy, greedy, shallow, just wan marry money, dey pretend say dem no care."

My mind dey shake, but I bone face. I dey tell myself, 'No cry, no cry.'

This kind talk dey shame me, my face dey hot.

Even my ear dey burn. I dey avoid everybody eye, dey wash plate slow, dey pray make dem finish food sharp sharp.

For my aunty place, I don dey used to hunger, work tire, still no dey see enough food chop.

Sometimes, she go talk say, 'Lilian, you chop pass your age.'

One time for rainy season, after I cut grass reach night, I come back, nobody keep even soup for me. I thief half cold yam from my small brother, aunty use mouth finish me for three days.

She swear for me, call me thief. 'Aunty say even cricket for tree dey shame me—lazy, greedy, just dey make noise.'

The talk dey ring for my ear like bell. I no fit answer her back. Hunger no get friend.

I no fit answer am.

Because true-true, I want stay for Okoli family.

Inside me, I dey hope say Okoli family go accept me. Maybe one day, Yanli go see say I dey try.

Maybe, maybe I really lazy and greedy.

I dey reason am for night, dey ask myself. But stubbornness still dey inside me. I go prove myself, I talk.

Cold too much for harmattan; I dey find hot akara chop.

Na so harmattan dey slap my leg, I dey waka with cracked heel. Sometimes, I dey beg Chijioke, 'Abeg, buy me small akara.'

Hot too much for dry season; I wan rest, drink cold kunu.

I dey wish for cold kunu, small breeze, small love. But na hope I dey manage.

Na so, na because I dey find better life.

I just wan belong, wan rest small. Na so life be sometimes.

In fact, ten days ago, the clay jar don full. My better days suppose start.

I dance small, happy for myself. I go show Chijioke, he nod, 'Madam, you too much.'

But thief enter my room.

That night, I dey sleep, I hear sound. Cold breeze enter room, lamp dey flicker, as if spirit dey waka. I wake, jar dey open, money dey miss. My heart cut.

I know who thief am.

Because na only the top money dem thief, the rest dem leave for me.

I count the coins, na only small top dey miss. My heart dey break.

"Why you no thief all?"

I waka go parlour, Yanli dey lie for chair, book cover him face. I ask am, voice low. He just shift, no answer.

That time, Okoli Yanli dey lie for rattan chair for yard, book cover him face, dey pretend sleep, no fit look my red eye:

He dey pretend, but I see as him eye dey peep from under book. He see say my face swell with cry.

"That thief shallow like you, no be enough?"

He yarn am, voice no loud. He wan provoke me, but na pity dey inside.

He think say I don go, he peep me from under book, see me dey sit under mango tree, hug jar dey wipe my eye.

I dey wish say ground go open, swallow me. Even birds for tree dey pity me. Rain dey threaten, I still dey outside.

Guilt catch am, Okoli Yanli bring one soft puff-puff come, voice soft, dey beg me:

He waka come, hand me puff-puff, voice gentle. 'Madam, chop am, you no go pay.'

"Take, this one for you, you no go pay. Just stop to cry. That money—maybe if thief think am well, e go bring am back."

I collect puff-puff, hold am, but I no fit smile. My spirit dey low. I just stand, hold jar, waka commot.

I no answer am, I just carry my clay jar waka go.

Chijioke see me, try talk, but I just wave am. 'Leave me abeg.'

Chijioke talk this matter, hope say I go remember old feeling:

Chijioke dey try ginger me, dey remind me say Yanli get small soft heart. 'No be like say oga wicked reach so, madam.'

"At first, oga wan carry all, but he stop, return most, just carry small. I fit see am, oga don like you, but pride no gree am talk. Na why he thief your money, wan drag am, when he reason finish, he go marry you..."

Chijioke voice dey soft, he dey look my face, dey hope say I go smile.

As I no talk, Chijioke hope still dey:

He dey look me, dey pray say I go change my mind. Even his voice crack small.

"Besides, that Oko family poor, no get food, the bridal keke na join money dem take rent am."

He dey pity me, but I no wan pity myself. Life go better.

He say Oko family poor.

Everybody dey talk am, but for my eye, at least dem try. E better pass person wey get but dey wicked.

But the bridal keke for my front, the bell for four corner clean die. Cushion inside na new, the sewing rough but e tight, you go see say dem try well. Evening breeze dey blow, bell dey ring, like say dem dey beg for Oko family young master.

I enter, smell of soap and small perfume dey the seat. My mind calm small. I dey grateful.

No wahala, I sef get small money.

I touch my clay jar, talk for my mind: 'As you dey go, carry your dignity follow body.'

I hug my small, full clay jar, sit down for soft bridal keke.

As the keke start, I look back, see Chijioke still dey wave, tears for him eye. I wave back, small smile for my face. I dey ready for new life, whatever e be. As the keke move, bell dey ring for my ear, like say e dey announce my own freedom.

Chijioke wan cry:

His face squeeze, him dey bite lip, try hold tears.

"So when oga come back, how I go talk?"

I look the clay jar, look the bell wey dey ring outside, reason small, smile:

My smile get small pepper. I tap the bell, hear the ring, and talk with my full chest:

"Just tell am say Lilian na shallow person, she run go another person house because she like their fine bridal keke."

I laugh small, tears dry for my eye. My spirit dey strong. New journey just start.