Chapter 5: Locked In With the Past

But that was fine, because at lunch and after school, she’d wait for me at our secret spot.

We ate, did homework, and talked on the rooftop.

I told her about my friends, my childhood buddies.

"We’re four guys. I’m second."

She’d listen carefully, then tell me about her life.

She came from a single-parent family; her mom raised her alone.

Her mom wasn’t actually a prostitute. She just worked in a club to make more money for her daughter’s education.

She reached out as if to touch the unreachable sky: "Jake, my mom works so hard so I can study more and leave this little town."

"So I can’t give up. I won’t be defeated by rumors. I’ll take my mom and leave here, to see the world!"

When she said this, Lily seemed to glow.

I knew this small town couldn’t hold her.

Lately, I’d been smiling more. Sometimes, I’d even laugh out loud at meals, spraying soda on Parker.

Marcus couldn’t take it. He’d smack my head to snap me out of it.

"Jake! Do you have a crush?"

A crush?

I thought of Lily shining on the rooftop and couldn’t help but look down, unable to stop smiling.

My three buddies teased me: "Oh! Definitely!"

Parker plopped down beside me, arm around my shoulder: "Dude, tell us, man, what’s her name? Which class?"

I really wanted to tell them my crush was Lily, a hardworking, kind girl from the next class.

But I remembered what Lily said—she wanted to focus on the SATs, and I couldn’t distract her.

So I brushed them off with excuses.

Later, I often wondered, if I had told them about Lily, would things have been different? Would she not have died?

My secret friendship with Lily lasted a year, until a few months before the SATs.

Suddenly, Lily started avoiding me.

At lunch and after school, the rooftop door was always closed—she was nowhere to be found.

I didn’t know what was wrong, even wanted to barge into her class, but when I got to the door, she shook her head at me from the crowd, looking pained.

I knew she was begging me not to push her.

I couldn’t bear to push her.

So I gave up, wandering the campus alone.

Sometimes, on impulse, I’d look for her and see her talking on the phone, or after school, see her getting in a car going somewhere other than home.

During that time, I became depressed. Even when Marcus asked me to go out, I refused:

"Jake, we’ve found something fun lately, want to join?"

I shook my head. Nothing could cheer me up—I just wanted to ask Lily why she was avoiding me.

Finally, one day, I blocked Lily at the rooftop door.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

To my surprise, she tried to run.

But how could she outrun me at six feet tall? I easily grabbed her wrist:

"Lily! Tell me why you’re avoiding me!"

She shrank back at my shout.

I noticed she looked bad, very pale.

I loosened my grip and gently asked:

"Is someone bullying you again? Tell me and I’ll handle it!"

"No." She answered quickly, biting her lip and looking up at me, "I said no."

"Then why are you avoiding me?" I asked.

She lowered her head again, voice barely audible: "I’m... afraid others will see."

Afraid others will see?

Suddenly, I remembered her talking on the phone with someone else. I stared at her in shock—I thought I knew why she was avoiding me.

She liked someone else.

It wasn’t me.

After that, we went back to how we were before, not interacting.

But this time, I was the one who kept my distance.

Still, every time I saw her hurrying out after school, as if going to meet someone, my heart ached.

This didn’t last long, because Lily left a note in my desk:

"See you after school at the usual place."

After a month, I saw her again on the rooftop.

There, she confessed to me.

"Jake, I like you."

I thought I was dreaming and slapped myself hard.

SMACK!

It was loud and hurt.

Not a dream.

I stared at her blankly: "What did you say?"

Lily spun in the sunlight, giving me a dazzling smile: "I said I like you."

The surprise was so overwhelming I forgot the pain, wanting to lift her up, hug her, and tell the world Lily was my girlfriend!

"Lily! I’m so happy! I want to tell everyone you’re my girlfriend!"

But in the next moment, Lily’s face changed. She stared at me seriously:

"Jake, you absolutely can’t tell anyone about this!"

"You can’t tell anyone! Absolutely!"

Though puzzled, the sudden joy overwhelmed me, and I stupidly agreed.

Looking back, if only I hadn’t agreed, maybe things wouldn’t have happened.

In the end, I was just too naïve.

It was brief, but I was happy.

Lily and I still met on the rooftop at lunch and after school.

The difference was, she’d look at me tenderly, tell me stories, patiently help me with homework.

I was so happy it felt like a dream.

Until she died.

That day was the day before the SATs.

Lily had told me the day before that after school she’d go straight home.

But as soon as I left the school gate, I got a text from her:

"Come to the rooftop."

At first, I was happy, thinking she was nervous about the test and wanted to talk.

I replied "okay," and turned back to the school building.

I’ll never forget that day—dusk, the sky blood-red.

In the crimson sunset, a leaf drifted down, landing with a loud THUD! in front of me, something warm splattering my face.