Chapter 3: Hospital Drama and Kidnap Gbege

When I small, wahala full my body.

Dem no dey tire. I no dey eat, always dey sick, body frail. My mama dey complain every day. Sometimes, she go call neighbour, dey rant. "This my pikin stubborn! E no dey hear word!"

I no dey chop, I dey cry anyhow, I dey sick like say tomorrow no dey—fragile like egg.

Dem carry me go hospital tire. Even pastor pray for me, say make devil commot. My mama go dey shake head, "Abeg, make doctor try one more test."

My mama tire, she dey shout every day: “If you no wan chop, abeg starve!”

E go still cook food, leave am for table. But her mouth dey sharp. She go threaten, then still dey check if I eat. Typical Naija mother.

“Why you dey cry? Cry again, I throw you outside!”

She go open door, point outside, mouth dey twist. But e remain small, she go run come hug me again. Her wahala sweet and sour.

But she go run dey call chef after.

Even after all the shouting, she no gree let me starve. She dey call chef, dey find new recipe, dey browse online. Sometimes, she go even carry food come my bed.

“Puff-puff? Wetin be that? E dey kill pikin?”

When chef suggest puff-puff, she go act like say na poison. Her mouth dey strong, but her eye dey beg.

“Cotton candy—abeg, childish thing… but buy one for me make I try.”

She go yarn say e no make sense, but she go still taste am. Before you know, na she go finish am.

“Chocolate? Mbanu, dog no dey chop chocolate—eh? Human fit chop? Oya buy box.”

Once she try, na carton she go order. If you see chocolate for house, you go think say dem open supermarket.

My papa own pass.

His own wahala na action film. Na knife and threat, but e still dey worry pass mama own.

He no fit see me cry. If I start, he go pull knife, frown: “Cry again, I go slice you!”

But the way e talk am, you go know say na fear dey hide for inside. The knife sef, na fake drama.

But before my tear dry, fear go catch am, he go fling knife comot window.

E go rush, throw knife for bush, come carry me. I go dey wonder if na this same papa dey threaten before.

After that day, knife no dey house again, all table corner get foam pad, make I no wound.

House turn to baby crèche—no sharp thing, everywhere soft. Even glass cup dem replace with rubber. For my sake, papa go do anything.

One day, he see say if he carry me high, I go stop to cry.

That discovery save house from wahala. As I dey sob, he go just carry me shoulder, I go begin laugh. The thing surprise am.

So every night as he reach house, na wash hand, change cloth, carry me for shoulder dey run round the compound.

Neighbours go dey peep fence, dey laugh. Papa, big man, dey run with small pikin for neck, dey shout, "Giddy up! Giddy up!" The sound dey echo, security dey smile. Even gate man dey clap sometimes.

1.9m tall, CEO with cold face, carry three-year-old pikin for neck, dey shout, “Giddy up! Giddy up! Fast fast!”

His suit go scatter, tie go hang for side, but e no send. For that moment, na papa be best friend.

My mama go dey look am from sofa, eye dey roll. “See craze man.”

She go cross leg, dey sip wine, dey watch dem. Sometimes she go snap picture, dey tease papa for night. But at the end, love still dey for house.

Before you know, she join the play.

She go come join, tie wrapper, run after us, dey shout, "Na my turn!" House go scatter with laughter. For that night, wahala go rest.

When I be five, fever catch me—over 40 degrees.

That sickness shake house. Everybody dey panic. My head hot like firewood stove, my body dey sweat, I no fit talk well. Even housemaid dey cry.

I dey craze, no fit even cry, just dey curl for my mama hand, dey sob small small.

Mama dey rock me, dey whisper prayer for my ear. Her hand dey rub my back, but fear full her eye. Papa dey pace up and down, dey call doctor, dey threaten nurse.

Nurse come give injection, as he bring out needle, my mama burst: “That needle big like yam! You wan kill my pikin? If you use that yam-needle for my pikin, I go report you for NTA news!”

She no gree. Na small injection, but she go shout, make sure say everybody for hospital hear. If nurse look am, she go eye the person like witch.

“E go leave mark? My pikin go wear swimsuit o!”

She dey reason how people go see scar for beach. She no wan hear story. Doctor dey beg her make she calm down.

My papa stand, face dark like rain.

As nurse dey try give injection, papa dey look, face tight, mouth press. If you see him eye, you go think say storm wan burst for hospital.

He hold nurse collar, voice cold: “If you no fit save am, you sef no go survive.”

He point finger, "If pikin no well, papa no dey sleep."

People for waiting room just freeze. Nurse dey shake. Doctor run come, dey explain. Security dey peep.

Nurse hand dey shake, injection nearly miss.

Na God save nurse that day. If not, maybe e go resign.

That night, fever reduce small. I open eye see my papa for bed side, eye red.

As I weak, I manage open eye, see papa dey sit for bed, two hand hold my own, red eye dey look me. No sleep for him face.

He hold my small hand, talk soft: “If you die, me and your mama… we sef no wan live.”

E talk am slow, voice dey break. For the first time, I see say papa fit soft. Him hand dey cold, but him heart dey hot.

Later, I hear say he nearly scatter hospital that night.

One nurse gist me say papa break two table, shout for doctor office. Nobody fit stop am. Police sef no fit try.

My sixth birthday, dem kidnap me.

Na one Saturday morning, everywhere dey cool. Next thing, van rush enter compound, men with mask bundle me like bag of rice. The fear no be here. My birthday cake still dey table.

Kidnapper ask for ten million.

Call enter papa phone, voice dey shake, dem dey threaten say if money no drop, I no go come back. Mama dey cry, papa dey boil.

My papa listen to call, quiet, then withdraw ten million US dollars.

E no even argue. He go bank, move money. All the family dey quiet. Dem dey pray.

Kidnapper keep promise: collect money, release me.

After dem see alert, dem drop me for express, under bridge, okada dey speed pass, dust dey fly. I dey shiver, but I dey alive.

But as dem dey do handover, one man with masquerade mask slap me.

Na so slap land my cheek, hot like pepper. My head ring. For my mind, I dey curse him generation.

Left cheek dey pain, tear full my eye.

I try strong face, but tear still come out. My body dey shake, but I no fit shout.

Next thing, my papa grab kidnapper neck.

Dem no expect am. In one move, papa rush, hold guy for neck. All the kidnapper boys scatter.

“Which hand?” he ask, voice cool like nothing.

E talk am like say e wan buy akara for junction. The kidnapper dey beg, but papa no send.

Before the guy talk, my papa pull dagger, use am follow hand line, slice flesh like say na suya he dey cut.

E no show mercy. The scream wey follow, e loud reach Oshodi bridge. Even nearby dog stop bark.

My mama dey side, dey do lipstick, just look the man dey scream, frown: “Too noisy.”

She no send the wahala. She dey check her mirror, dey retouch lipstick, eye dey roll. The kidnapper dey roll for ground, mama just hiss.

She snap finger, four men in agbada waka come out.

Dem be bouncer, tall like electric pole. Dem carry kidnapper go back van. Nobody ask question.

One week later, that kidnapper, wear pink tutu, land for worst slum for India.

Na one video go viral, e dey dance ballet for junction, pink tutu dey shine for sun. People dey laugh, but dem no know say na my mama handiwork.