Chapter 4: I No Dey Beg for Love

When I enter university, I start to care about my look, my body.

I dey buy small make-up, dey try new hair, dey look mirror well. I dey feel say maybe, just maybe, e go notice me different.

Na then my relationship with Tunde Jinadu change for real.

Maybe he remember wetin I do for am. Maybe that night light just too soft.

Maybe na guilt dey drive am, but me I no sabi that time. Na only my heart dey lead me go.

He just hold my hand ask, “You still like me?”

Him voice low, eyes dey look ground. The tension dey sweet, dey pain.

I dey shy, no fit look am.

My cheeks red, I dey bite my finger nail. The silence dey stretch.

He hold my neck, bend head kiss me.

Na my first kiss be that.

He taste small mint.

The thing shock me, but sweet me too. My mind dey fly.

The day we start to date, Tunde Jinadu carry me go meet Aunty Grace.

She dey kitchen, dey fry plantain. The smell full house. As he talk, she pause, wipe her hand for apron, smile.

“We dey together now.”

Her eyes light up, she pray for us with all her strength, dey pour holy water for ground join. I dey blush, my leg dey shake.

That time, he relax pass ever, like say stone just drop from him heart.

Now, I don understand—wetin I think say na love, na just him dey pay back wetin I do.

Guilt na heavy load. Me, I dey chop the crumbs of affection, think say na whole bread.

When I reach, Tunde Jinadu dey play pool with Seyi.

The stick dey click for table, the balls dey scatter. The room cold, small generator hum dey background.

His face cold like ice, no talk.

His eyes dey shine under the dull bulb, jaw tight.

Seyi, as usual, dey add fire: “Morayo don come back. Why you no just break up with her?”

Seyi voice sharp, always dey look for wahala.

“You really no fit forget?”

“See, I still remember the first day I see her—fat everywhere, dey hold plush toy give you...”

I fit feel the insult, even though I dey door. The shame no dey old.

“You dey craze!” Tunde Jinadu slam the cue, wan talk, but the door open.

Everybody freeze.

The sound hush, as if spirit waka enter room.

Tunde Jinadu panic small, but when he see me as usual, he calm.

His eyes meet mine, he force weak smile. I act strong, but I dey shake inside.

I give am the folder. “Wetin you ask for.”

My voice low, but I try balance am, no let am crack.

“Thanks.” He pause, wan explain, then he see the diary for my hand.

His eyes big. Him hand dey shake small. He swallow spit.

“You enjoy am?”

I no fit hold my tears, my voice don crack. “You enjoy am, Tunde Jinadu?”

Tears dey flow, no shame me again. I throw the diary give am, hard.

He no move, his eyes just dey shake, like say he wan hold my shoulder.

His chest dey move fast, nostrils dey flare. He try talk, words no gree come.

Seyi rush come, push me. “You dey mad!”

His hand rough, he spit dey fly. I turn, eyes red, heart full of all the pain wey I don swallow since.

Gbosa. My palm land for him cheek, the sound echo like NEPA wire cut. Everybody shock. Seyi mouth hang open, him eye wide.

“All these years, you no let me rest—‘fat pig’, ‘ugly girl’—you no tire? Me I don tire.”

I dey shout, my chest dey rise, hand dey shake. The words just dey pour out like rain.

“Wetin, because I be weightlifter, to gain weight for my career na shame?”

“Who you be to look me finish? My papa and mama never complain about my body or my face. Who you be?”

“You just be like dogskin plaster wey no gree comot. People go think say na me you dey find, the way you dey follow me everywhere.”

Seyi open mouth, no fit talk. Shame grip am.

I vex, eyes red. Seyi just mute.

The air stiff, nobody fit breathe. I dey vibrate, like wire wey current dey pass.

Tunde Jinadu wan hold me. “Ifeoma, abeg calm down.”

His hand reach, but I dodge am. The pain for my chest don turn to fire.

“I calm pass this.” I push am, pick the diary from floor, give am.

My voice strong, tears still dey fall, but I no care who dey look.

The more I look, the more Tunde Jinadu face dey pale. He just dey mumble, “Make I explain.”

His lips dey shake, but no word dey come. He dey sweat, even as fan dey blow.

“Make we break up.” I smile, look am well. “True true... just dey think am dey make me sick.”

My smile dry, my eyes sharp. I dey free myself, no fear again.

I turn waka commot, no look back.

My shoe dey knock for tile, my shadow dey stretch for corridor. I carry my dignity like wrapper, tie am tight for waist. For the first time, I no dey beg for love. I dey free, even if na only me waka come.

Tunde Jinadu try follow me. I stop am again.

I stretch hand, signal am say make he no try. My voice no shake, my heart dey steady for first time.

“If you follow me, you really wan marry me so?”

He just stand there, no move again.

He just dey look as I waka go, step by step, until I disappear from him eyes.

As I reach junction, keke dey speed pass, pepper soup aroma dey float from Mama Nkechi’s kiosk, and the moon dey shine like torchlight for my path. I no fit look back, but I hear Mama Eboh dey shout for her window, “Ifeoma, na where you dey go this night?” I just press my lips, waka pass.