Chapter 5: Wall Between Us

After I see Ireti smile for office, I begin dey watch am more.

I dey watch am like detective wey dey follow suspect for crime movie. I dey observe the way he dey waka, the tone wey he use greet people, how he dey answer my question.

E be like say he dey always try please me. Maybe na because of my sickness.

Before, he go gist me about funny things as he dey hustle, find small joy inside wahala;

He go slack, tell me say he miss my Nescafé, and the pepper soup wey I dey cook for am;

He go dey listen as I dey talk about all the strange things for Nollywood.

He go share him joy, vex, pain, and how he dey miss me.

Sometimes, e go crack joke about how Lagos traffic dey humble even big man, and I go laugh, throw pillow for am. E go smile, carry my head for lap, dey play with my hair like say na treasure.

Now, na only gentle behaviour he get for me. As if, without knowing, I no get anything to share again, only sadness remain. Then I carry my darkness come give am.

We still dey sleep hold each other, still dey chop breakfast face to face. Everything dey look like before. But wall dey between us wey nobody fit talk.

At night, if I roll reach him side, I fit feel cold, like say invisible fence dey between us. He go touch my hand, but na empty touch. The wall don high.

Ireti smile in front of Zainab still dey my mind. He never smile like that for me again.

Sometimes, I go dey practice smile for mirror, dey wonder if I still fit light up anybody face. Tears go roll, but I go just wipe am fast, form strong woman.

Na me dey make am unhappy.

I wan change.

Our wedding anniversary dey come. Maybe if I buy flowers, cake, or do Nescafé and pepper soup wey he dey always miss, I fit use am break this wall.

I plan am well, call mama Chika for best cake, pick freshest roses for Ajah market, grind pepper soup with hand, put extra love inside.

So, for the anniversary, I call am say: "Ireti, today I buy roses, cake, cook pepper soup, and make Nescafé."

"So, you fit come house early chop dinner?"

I set table with white cloth, candle light dey burn, music dey play small for background.

Ireti no expect me to happy like this. He quiet small, then reply: "Serious matter dey, I need work overtime, but I go reach house before midnight."

"I get gift for you. Wait for me, Amaka."

He pause, voice low, like say e dey far away: "Wait for me, Amaka."

"Okay, I go wait."

I drop phone, just sit alone for candlelight. The fine roses, sweet cake, and pepper soup for table no fit make me happy. Na only darkness, as if e wan swallow me.

My phone dey play love song, but na only the tick of wall clock dey enter my ear.

Last last, I carry the pepper soup and cake, hold the roses, go out. Go meet am. Maybe, if I reach am, I fit run from this darkness, from the feeling of dying, from the suffocation.

As I drive reach Ireti office parking lot for night, I see am rush come out of elevator. Before I fit come down, he don drive commot fast.

He dey rush. He leave urgent work. Something more important dey.

The way him face dey serious, na so e dey like say if e miss that moment, e go lose am forever.

He dey go house? He dey come chop my pepper soup, eat cake, spend anniversary with me? Or...

I follow am drive. I think say if he dey go house, I no go let am wait long. But after five minutes, I know say him direction no be road to house.

I know Lagos roads pass am, the route no fit lie. E dey point another direction, far from our estate.

As night deep, my heart dey heavy. For mind, I dey suspect the truth. But inside, I still dey hope maybe I dey overthink because of my sickness.

I press my leg for pedal, dey follow am. As I dey look Ireti car for front, many crazy thoughts dey my head. Make I just jam am, make we die together. At least, all the bad things wey I dey fear no go happen again.

The madness just dey build inside me, like say my body wan scatter.

As we reach junction, yellow light dey blink. I no reduce speed. One big truck dey come from right. If I run that red light, maybe I go push Ireti die with me under the truck. Then die. No need face the wahala again.

I dey press horn, my hand dey sweat, legs dey shake. My heart dey do kpim kpim.

Until I hear big "honk—". The truck horn loud, shock me, I jam brake.

Na God hand save me that night, true true. Driver for inside truck dey rain curses: "Wetin dey worry you! If you tire for life, no use another person head!"

Other drivers dey curse outside. My head clear. My heart dey beat anyhow. Cold sweat full my body as I bend on top steering, just smile bitterly.

I really sick. Even when I dey think of dying, na wicked way I dey imagine.

Tears gather for my eye, I rub am for wrapper. I just dey grateful say at least I never drag innocent person follow my wahala.

Rain dey beat roof like drummer for party, my head dey spin.

Green light show. I calm myself, follow Ireti.

As we reach one estate, he come down from car sharp. As he pass my car, he no see me. He dey talk for phone as he run enter building: "I dey almost reach."

Na him voice crack for phone, I hear urgency. "No worry, I dey come. Just hold on for me."

I sit for car, look the building for long, then still follow am go inside.

Elevator no work. Yellow sign for entrance say "Under Maintenance". But stairway light dey on. Ireti don rush enter fire escape dey climb.

Rain dey threaten for sky, the wind dey blow, make the entrance door dey slam. I tie my scarf tight, still follow.

One step, two step...

First floor, second floor...

I dey hear as Ireti dey run for stairs, dey follow the lights wey him dey on, step by step, reach thirteenth floor.

My leg dey pain, but shame dey my body, so I no fit turn back. Na only the sound of my own slippers dey echo.

Fourteenth floor light no on. Na thirteenth floor be him destination.

I climb small, sit for landing between thirteenth and fourteenth floor. Then I hear footsteps dey come.

Ireti voice dey rush: "Hold on, I go carry you hospital now."

The tone of worry for him voice heavy, e no even sound like the Ireti wey I know before.

I slow poke head out, see Ireti carry him assistant, wey dey groan, dey rush come out stairwell, run down. E clear say worry dey finish am. All him mind dey for the pale, fragile assistant wey dey him hand.

Sweat full him face, his eyes no even notice the world. Na only Zainab matter dey him head.

So, he no see me.

The lights for stairs dey on as he pass, dey off as he go. Darkness just swallow everywhere, only the green emergency exit sign dey shine small.

I just sit there, let darkness swallow me. E be like say something don change since. For Ireti heart, something dey more important than work, more than me.

I drop the pepper soup flask for my side, na only cold dey inside me now. I hear ambulance siren for distance, like world dey rush help somebody else, no me.

My phone alarm ring. Na midnight.

I dey shake as I hear the soft ring: "Happy anniversary, Amaka."

I tell myself.

I use wrapper clean small tears, but no body to see am, so I no bother.