Chapter 1: The Spirit Delivery Wahala

I bought one fine, aloof incubus online. But the guy just dey make strange sounds, dey look me anyhow, and his body hot pass normal. Like NEPA transformer wey just blow—my mind no rest. I come dey fear say maybe him don sick, so I rush message customer care. As I explain everything, customer care just quiet.

As I dey type the message, my mind dey race. For this Naija, who wan carry wahala wey dem order online? My chest dey drum kpom-kpom, like Yoruba drummer for owambe as I dey wait reply, because I no get time for police or juju matter. For inside Lagos, everything dey possible. My neighbor Mama Blessing for compound fit even say na spiritual attack. I dey reason whether to go mountain for prayer or just dey watch the situation. Lagos wahala no dey finish, but this one pass my power.

"Madam, e be like say your incubus no dey sick o, maybe na hunger dey worry am—him just dey find kiss or wan do something naughty with you."

I almost drop my phone. Wetin my eye dey see for chat no be small. Hunger? For spirit wey fine like this? I just hold my chest—Lagos wahala no dey finish, but this one pass my power. Even spirit fit dey find romance now? Wonders no go end.

1

I spend plenty money online to buy one male incubus. For the product description, dem talk say this incubus fine die, cold, get eight-pack, flat belle. But the main thing—

I read the description over and over, my eye dey shine like torch. The way dem package the matter, e resemble those buy-one-get-one-free promo for Tejuosho, but with spirit wey get body. Even the advert get small jazz, I swear. Dem put picture wey go make you reason all your village people. My friend Ifeoma talk say na craze, but I no gree. Who no like better thing?

E get capacity. That one sweet me well. I no even think twice, just pay sharp sharp. But after I order am, na customer care first message me.

I dey reason the way my village people go react if dem see me buy spirit online. E go reach WhatsApp group, dem go type 'God forbid bad thing.' But as I see the word 'capacity', I just dey blush, my belle dey sweet me. Na investment, abeg.

"Madam, you dey online?"

"Ah, yes? Wetin happen?"

"See ehn, the incubus wey you order fine well well, but e get as e cold. And as e don mature, e get stamina… e too much small. If you no sure say you want this type, I fit help you refund am. We fit recommend one wey gentle pass."

I begin dey fear small, say maybe I overdo. But Lagos life na hustle, and I dey ready for any wahala. I even laugh for chat. Dem dey try save me, but my mind don make up. If person no try, how e go take know?

I reply:

"No need, na the cold and capable type I need now now."

I no even dey look back. My mind dey sharp like pepper. I dey ready for anything. If dem like, make dem warn me ten times, my hand no dey shake.

As customer care see my message, dem come bless me in one kind coded way:

"Okay madam, this your incubus go reach your house on time. I dey wish you and am happy life together every day~"

The way dem add 'every day~' just dey suspicious, but I no send. Na so Lagos sellers dey talk, always dey shine teeth, dey bless person anyhow. Me sef reply with 'Amen.'

Few days later, one tall, broad-shouldered, slim-waist, stone-face incubus knock for my door. As I see am, I shock small. Everybody sabi say incubi dey fine and get charm. But this one? Na another level. If you no know, you go think say na some rich, proud young oga wey craze come enter street.

My neighbor, Mama Titi, poke head come check who I dey receive. She balance for corridor, eyes sharp, dey measure Dafe from head reach toe, like say she dey price goat for market. As she see Dafe, she just hiss, "Morayo, na who be that? Your cousin?" I quick wave her off, "Aunty, abeg, na delivery." She just look Dafe from head to toe, whisper, "Na wah o!" before she waka commot.

"Madam."

The incubus greet me first, him voice cold and no send anybody. But e still soft for my ear, like say na feather dey brush me. I come dey confused, just dey wave hand.

For two seconds, na only generator hum I dey hear. Wetin I go talk now? Make I no disgrace myself. My chest dey drum kpom-kpom, like Yoruba drummer for owambe. E be like say cold breeze just pass my back, but I gats compose. I dey look am from head reach toe. Na spirit, but e fine pass some Nollywood actors.

"N-no call me madam, abeg, just call me Morayo. You get name?"

I try put small smile for face, make e no fear. I dey wonder if spirits dey get real name like us. This one just stand dey look me, as if e dey judge whether I fit manage am.

"My name na Dafe."

As e talk, Dafe just carry him tail give me. The tail get small heart shape for the tip. E fine no be small.

I never see tail for my life, talk less of tail with heart shape. I dey look am like WAEC result wey never come out, but I hold myself. Abeg, make I no go disgrace my ancestors.

"According to the rules, you suppose hold my tail so e go mean say you don collect the goods."

I just nod, dey remember wetin customer care talk. "Hold tail to confirm receipt." Na wah o. Na new style for delivery?

"Oh, oh."

I quickly hold the tail. E soft, smooth, dey sweet for hand—like toy. I no fit hold myself, come press am small.

As I press am, e be like velvet dey my hand. My body just dey tingle, I come dey reason how dem take make this kind thing. I smile small, dey look Dafe eye.

"Mmm..."

Dafe just make one low, muffled sound. I come think say maybe I press am too hard, so I quickly release and apologize.

The sound get as e be. My heart skip one beat. Wetin be this? I no wan make wahala start today.

"Sorry, I hurt you?"

Dafe look down at me, him Adam’s apple just dey move, and small strange sound dey come from him throat—like rumbling purr.

The noise be like danfo engine when conductor dey start am—rough but e get power. For my mind, I dey ask, "Hope say I never enter spiritual wahala so?" But I hold my peace.

"No, I just no expect am."

E voice still cool, but e look me like say e dey try read my mind. My hand dey shake small.

"Okay, okay."

I think say na nervousness dey worry am, so I try calm am down.

I even use my best aunty voice, "You dey safe, no fear. Nobody go do you here." I smile well, make e relax.

"No worry, no fear. You fit rest small first, later work dey plenty."

I talk am like big madam for office. Dafe just blink, e still dey look me with that fine face, but e gree.

"If you wan, we fit start now sef."

Na so e talk, voice soft, but eyes dey sharp. E dey like say e get plan wey I no understand. I come dey reason, "Which work this one dey talk so?"

"Now?"

I reason am.

My head dey calculate. I never ready for anything, but as Lagos babe, I no gree show fear.

"Mm... e dey okay."

"Alright."

The rumbling for Dafe throat come loud pass before.

The sound be like generator wey dem just start. My chest dey drum kpom-kpom, like Yoruba drummer for owambe. I gats steady myself, abeg.