Chapter 1: The Contract Weighs Heavy

I broke, so I sign myself up with this get-rich-quick system, sharp sharp. You know as Naija be—if pocket dry, wahala fit make you reason any crazy thing. Hunger dey wire me, so I no even think twice. Just join, dey hope say my own miracle go land like those WhatsApp testimonies wey dey fly every week.

The system yan say e go transfer money to me every day. But catch dey: I must spend all the money finish before day end. If one kobo remain, na so I go just kpeme for there. Omo, see jazz! That clause no funny. E get as e be. But as hunger dey hold me, who get time to reason tomorrow? For my mind, I dey already plan all the flexing and pepper dem things I go run.

As I dey ready to sign, I pause small, remember as Mama always talk, "No chop awoof, Tunde. E dey bite." But hunger no dey hear advice. I gree, bind myself to the system. Spend money? Abeg, how that one go hard?

As I just lock the contract, smile dey my face like person wey win Bet9ja jackpot. Na spend-spend matter? That one no be new thing for my hand. I dey ready.

[Ding! Mobile money alert: ₦10]

First alert land, e weak me. No be say I dey expect millions, but ten naira? Na wa o! Even agbero no go collect this one for junction. E be like say dem dey test my patience.

Wait, only ten naira? System, you dey whine me?

I even check my phone settings, dey sure say network no dey delay real money somewhere. Omo, this system sabi play. E dey do me one kind.

I buy two puff-puff. The puff-puff hot, oil still dey drip. The woman purse mouth, give me side-eye as if I dey do money ritual. I just bone—na dem go shock later.

[Ding! Mobile money alert: ₦20]

[Ding! Mobile money alert: ₦40]

[Ding! Mobile money alert: ₦80]

My people, e be like say money dey double every time. I just dey laugh inside. Shebi na so dem dey start?

Wait—this one na exponential get-rich system o. This one no be all those MMM or Ponzi—this one dey run like fire. I begin dey reason if I go fit handle the heat.

I nearly call Chuka, our UNILAG first class, make e help me run calculation. But pride no gree. Abeg, who fit help me do the maths? How many days remain before I go waka?

I dey form sharp guy, but maths dey humble person. The way e dey increase, I dey fear small. If I calculate wrongly, na village people go collect me.

1.

Omo, wahala don land. I just feel one kain cold for my body. As money dey grow, na so my sense of safety dey reduce. All my street sense come awake. Even my toe sabi this one—I don finish be that.

Even the ground wey I stand on, e be like e dey shake. I dey ask myself, Tunde, na wetin you don use your own hand sign?

I carry calculator: If the system transfer money twenty more times, each payment go pass one million. Thirty times? Na billion. Forty? Trillion. Fifty? Hundred trillion. My hand dey sweat, calculator dey slip. I wipe am for jeans, still dey tremble. My brain dey do quick mental arithmetic, I even dey reason say I fit call Chuka, that our first class guy for UNILAG, make e help me break down the maths. But pride still no gree.

Even if na Zimbabwean dollar, I still no fit finish am.

You see that kind money? Even if you dey buy gala and pure water for everybody for Onitsha main market, you still no go fit blow am finish.

After two hours of serious panic, I just gree for my fate.

I lie down, dey look ceiling fan, dey reason my life. Na so this life be?

To console myself, I drop question for Nairaland (Naija own Quora):

You know say, once wahala pass your power, na online you dey go find sympathy. I carry my matter go where people sabi talk true.

[If dem give you unlimited money but you only get one month to live, you go collect am?]

I type am with shaky hand, dey wait make correct Naija people advice me.

Before long, plenty replies land:

As replies dey pour in, my phone dey vibrate like NEPA transformer—this one na matter wey go trend. Na so my notification dey burst. You know our people no dey carry last for yarns.

Answerer A: [Omo, you sure say you dey dash money?]

Answerer B: [Sharp! Enjoy for one month or suffer for life? I go choose flex!]

Answerer C: [God forbid. Last time snail dash me billion, till now I never finish am.]

You go just dey laugh for inside, the way Naija people dey reason money. Some people still dey bring snail matter inside money gist!

Most people gree. That one ginger me small. At least, I no dey alone. If na die, we plenty. My ginger come up, I dey ready to test this system to the fullest.

I stretch body, ready to go spend anyhow.

I rub my hands together, crack neck like say I wan start marathon. Na so I set for action.

Then I freeze.

My heart beat stop small. E be like say my ancestors dey whisper, "Tunde, shine eye."

System don give me eighty naira. I must finish the whole eighty before next alert—one sixty—go land.

I look my phone screen, dey imagine how I go dey chase my own shadow as money dey pile up.

To really jollificate, I need like six or seven zeros for my account first, abi?

Na true. All these small small transfer no dey sweet for flexing. You no fit show level with eighty naira.

I just calculate: the twentieth transfer go be 524,288 naira. I even dey picture my face when alert go land for half a million plus. E go set!

If I rush spend that now, na seventeen days of my life go waka.

Na so I dey do small calculation, dey reason say every step get consequence. My brain dey turn like NEPA transformer.

Abeg, make I just finish the fourth transfer—eighty naira—before midnight.

I check time, dey count every minute. I no wan make village people use my head.

But then, wetin be the point of binding myself to this system?

I reason am. Why all this wahala just to dey spend money? Wetin I really gain?

After I reason finish, I beg the system:

I even try to sweet-talk am, dey form loyal customer.

System abeg, system baba, fit run me advance?

If to say na aboki for roadside, I for kneel down join.

System hiss: [Oga, you think say this one na credit card?]

For my mind, I dey imagine one strict customer care wey dey frown face, dey form hard guy.

Credit card… bank… loan… I don get idea!

See as inspiration just land. Na so all those Yahoo boys dey reason.

I fit borrow money now, then pay back when system credit me.

As long as I no dull, e go balance. Who no like awoof?

Of course, this stingy system no go drop one kobo. No wahala, make I find my way.

As per Naija hustle, if road block here, e go open for another side. No gree for system!

I grab my phone, enter app store.

Omo, my finger dey hot. I dey scroll like say tomorrow no dey.

Omo... QuickCash, PalmPay, MoniPlus…

You know all those loan apps wey dey advertise anyhow—dem full everywhere like pure water sellers for traffic.

All those yeye loan apps full ground. I download everything, my 512GB phone full sharp sharp.

My storage dey scream, but who send message? Na money matter!

Time to borrow!

As per sharp Lagos boy, I dey ready to press borrow button tire.

One hour later, from flat broke, I turn instant millionaire.

Money dey burst my account like fuel price during subsidy removal. I even dey reason say make I snap screenshot share for family group.

Omo, to hold cash for hand dey sweet die.

I toss some bundles, make e fall for bed. E sweet to dey see alert dey ring.

I waka out, chest up, dey move like boss. Even breeze dey blow follow me.

As I dey waka, even okada men dey hail me. I dey wave like local government chairman.

Aunty Kemi for next compound see my ginger, she shout jealous:

You know those kind aunty wey sabi poke nose. She dey look me like say I win visa lottery.

"Tunde, see as you dey waka! You dey find who go beat you abi?"

I just laugh, show her peace sign. Life don soft! Make dem dey look.