Chapter 8: Plan Wey Dey Backfire

Inside King’s Chambers.

Room cold, incense dey burn. I dey adjust my royal cap, dey wait for Bala to enter.

I dey look this middle-aged, round man wey dey kneel for front, dey rub hand like fly:

His agbada dey shine, face dey round like calabash. He dey kneel, dey press hand like say e dey beg spirit.

"My correct chief, I wan build Sky-Touching Tower."

I use my most foolish king accent. Voice loud, everybody dey hear. Bala look me, eye dey move.

Chief Bala look up, worry dey show for him face:

His eye dey waka, e dey reason say this king get wahala.

"Your Majesty, Treasury no get enough money."

Bala use coded voice. For my mind, I dey laugh. I dey expect am to suggest backdoor way to find money, but e dey form innocence.

I wave hand: "Then shift money from army and increase tax by thirty percent."

I use hand do dismissive gesture, like those governors wey dey wave away poor people. I dey look him face, dey expect make e smile.

Chief Bala eye open wide, him dey fear:

E be like say I talk blasphemy. The fear for him face dey real, but I know say na big thief dey inside body.

"Your Majesty, this thing go kill people, waste money. No good at all..."

Bala dey form adviser. He dey sweat small, but e dey try use wisdom convince me. I dey wonder whether na real concern or him just dey act.

Abeg, I dey try act foolish king here.

I dey remind myself say I no suppose dey listen to correct advice. My mind dey focus on my mission.

Who concern about good or bad?

I dey look Bala, dey reason—oga, this one na your chance to shine!

I dey give you big chance o!

If I no start big project and waste money, how you go thief?

My plan dey tight. Make you just collect, I go cover you. Everybody go chop.

This old fox, still dey pretend for my front?

I dey shake leg under table. Bala stubborn pass old tortoise. He wan use play safe.

He think say na him holy pass?

I dey side-eye am. Na so thief dey pretend for king front?

I vex, wave hand:

I use king voice scatter the table. "Bala, do wetin I talk!"

"No talk too much, just do as I talk.

If you do am well, I go promote you to Chief Treasurer."

I even wink, use my eye pass message: Oga, your chance don come!

Chief Bala eye dey waka up and down, but last last, him gree:

E shake like leaf, but him nod, voice low: "Yes, Your Majesty. I go arrange everything."

"No worry, Your Majesty, I go do my best."

Him bow well, voice dey tremble. But I fit see small smile for corner mouth.

I nod, my mind sweet me.

I cross leg, clap for myself inside. If Bala mess up, palace go shake. I ready to count days till kingdom scatter.

Finally, e be like say I dey do the right thing to scatter the kingdom.

I dey even plan the next stage—maybe start road project to nowhere, or build stadium for village wey no get footballers.

For night, as I dey sleep dey enjoy myself,

Mosquito dey sing for my ear. I dey fan myself with raffia hand fan, dey imagine how palace go scatter as money dey miss.

System ring again:

Na so the system voice scatter my sleep. My heart cut, body cold.

[System detect say Chief Bala check accounts overnight.]

I open one eye. Wetin this one mean?

[Catch thirteen officials wey thief army money.]

[Recover four million naira.]

I roll from bed. My cap fall. Which kain bad luck be this?

Me: Ahhhh!

I no fit shout for night, but my pillow nearly suffer. I dey reason whether I dey live for hidden camera show.

Next morning, Chief Bala kneel outside King’s Chambers, tears full him face:

E dey press ground, dey cry like person wey win lottery. Palace guards dey look am, dey wonder wetin happen.

"Your Majesty wise well well! You sabi say bad people dey inside army!

I go use this money rebuild northern border defenses."

E dey talk as if say na me send am mission. Palace scribes dey write everything down—dem go put my name for history book.

System ring again:

[Host unlock achievement: 'Keen Insight'.]

[Integrity +50, reputation +100.]

My reputation dey skyrocket. I dey wonder whether na witchcraft dey pursue me. Instead make kingdom spoil, e dey grow.

I nearly vomit blood — pain wan kill me.

I hold chair, dey tap leg. Palace maid dey ask if I dey sick. I no fit talk true.

Wetin dey worry you, Chief Bala?

I dey look am with side eye. I dey expect thief, but na angel I see.

I say make you build Sky-Touching Tower!

My instruction clear. Why you dey run another assignment?

Why you dey catch thief?

Instead make you chop, you dey recover money. E shock me.

And even if you catch, you no fit chop small from the money?

For this kingdom, I never see chief wey no dey chop. You dey disgrace corrupt circle.

E make sense?

I dey talk for my mind. If I try spoil kingdom one more time, dem go soon carve my statue for market square—King wey no fit fail.