Chapter 4: Halima’s Scent, Amina’s Resolve

That day, my body just dey pain me anyhow, I dey stagger as I waka. I try stand, pain catch me. I grip wall, drag leg reach bathroom. Water touch skin, e burn like fire.

But as Sulaiman get episode, he disappear. Later, everywhere quiet. Sulaiman no dey house. I begin fear, think maybe e go hurt himself.

I no get choice, I go find am. I put wrapper, no comb hair. Waka for street, ask okada man if dem see Sulaiman. Nobody answer. My leg dey tremble, but I no stop.

I no even chop, search from afternoon reach midnight. Only pure water for my belly. I check every joint, every studio, even call some friends. By 12 midnight, I almost fall for gutter. I dey shiver, mosquito dey bite me. I no give up.

Still, I no see am. Head dey hot, eye red. "God, abeg, protect am wherever e dey."

As I dey catch breath for gate around 1 a.m., na then Sulaiman show. I just sit for gutter, sweat and dust full body. I hear familiar voice. Heart cut.

One girl dey with am. The girl dey smile, dimple deep for cheek. She dey shine for moonlight, dey hold Sulaiman hand. Halima tie orange Ankara, earrings dey jangle like market bell. She greet, "Good evening ma," her voice soft like pap.

Her laugh clear, eye dey shine. I feel envy inside me, but I no talk.

The girl look am. "Na first time I dey meet person wey get the same mind as me."

She dey gist with Sulaiman, dey nod together. "To know you na the best thing wey happen for this concert."

Sulaiman dey beam, face soft. I never see am like this before.

Na that time I know say, Sulaiman go concert alone. He no tell anybody. I hear from neighbours say dem see am waka go stadium side that day.

Him phone die, he no sabi road come house; na the girl carry am come back. The girl talk say she see Sulaiman dey wander, no direction. She help am with okada, pay transport, buy gala.

Dem dey gist like say dem no get problem. I stand for gate, dey wait, heart heavy. Dem talk about music, composers I no know. I just dey lost.

Music be like medicine for Sulaiman. Even as pikin, dem say he fit play drum before e talk well. Studio na sanctuary for am.

He follow big master learn, open studio, compose plenty popular song. Even big artist use Sulaiman beat. People praise am online, but for house, he still be shadow.

Me, I just stand for gate, dey listen. Body cold, I no fit leave. Heart dey pound, hope say maybe Sulaiman go see me. Dem talk reach thirty minutes, Sulaiman no even know say I dey there.

Time dey pass, mosquito dey bite me. Still, he no look my direction.

Na steward tire, come talk. Steward carry tray come, clear throat, "Oga, abeg, time don go." Sulaiman frown small, but stand up.

"Oga, time don go, abeg go sleep."

Steward look me, pity for eye. "Madam don wait for you since." He talk soft, almost whisper, but Sulaiman ignore.

The girl look my side, pause, ask Sulaiman, "Na your wife be this?"

Halima squint, look me head to toe, then face Sulaiman, wait for answer. Awkwardness for Sulaiman face. He quiet small, then nod. Scratch neck, look down. "Na my wife."

Quick quick, "Dem force me."

"No be my choice."

"I no like her."

He talk am loud, like say he dey prove point.

"I really hate her."

The words sharp, cut my ear. I almost cry, but I hold body. That time, I just stand like log. Hand dey tremble, but I no wan let dem see weakness. I just dey stare ground, dey count stone.

Shame full my body, I no even know where to hide. I feel heat for face, legs weak. Inside me, shame dey dance.

The girl name na Halima. Halima wear Ankara top, gold earrings jingle. She dey smile, but I fit sense say she dey pity me. She tap Sulaiman hand gently, like code. "Time don go, we go see later." She wave small, perfume scent remain for air.

From that day, my relationship with Sulaiman cold reach zero. Sulaiman no dey look my face again. Even greeting, he no answer. Na only me and wall dey gist for house. For kitchen, parlour, gate—like say I dey invisible.

On his birthday, I buy new over-ear headphones. Save for months, beg friend for US to order latest model. Wrap am, write note: "Happy Birthday, Sulaiman."

Best sound for market. Sulaiman just use lighter burn am for my front. Smell of burnt plastic choke room.

"I no like you."

He hiss, voice cold like fridge. I hold tears. "Anything you give me, I no want."

He push burnt headphone near me, walk away. "Na rubbish. I no need am."

Slam door, music loud from room.

That year, he spend birthday with Halima outside. I look clock, wait. Sulaiman no show till midnight. Later see Instagram picture of him and Halima for suya joint. Heart break again.

Since then, he and Halima dey keep in touch. Halima number dey ring every day. Sometimes, I hear her laugh for phone, Sulaiman go smile. I dey wonder if love ever go favour me.

Halima do internship for him studio. Dem dey work, take pictures, post for social. People comment, "Perfect team!"

One night, Sulaiman wear silver ring. I ask who give am, he no answer. Later, I hear say na Halima buy am. Birthday gift from Halima. My own gift burn, Halima own dey shine for him hand. My spirit dey die small small.

As I look headphone pieces for ground, tiredness dey swallow me. I sweep burnt plastic, pack inside nylon. As I bend, eye red. For mind, I dey question God.

Next day, Baba Okoye call me, say make I come study room. "Amina, abeg help me bring file from study." Hand dey shake as I hear am.

He want make I help carry file give secretary. I no fit argue. But I remember, Sulaiman no dey allow me enter study at all. For mind, alarm ring. But elders talk na order.

I reason am. Stand for door, dey think whether to go. Time dey run. Baba Okoye rush me, "Amina! Quick quick, abeg!"

I think am well, go carry file. Arrange everything, make sure nothing scatter. I dey fear, just want please Baba.

Before I comot, I put everything back. Double-check chair, table, pen. Sweat dey my face.

But Sulaiman still catch me say I enter study. He check camera, see me for study. Burst into room, eye red like pepper. Phone dey connect to study camera.

Show me phone, video dey play. "Why you enter my place?" Rush come from studio, face strong like thunder. Breath heavy, people dey avoid am.

"You no fit enter. I no gree."

He shout, voice echo. Heart dey beat. Mood like rainstorm, air cold, people tiptoe. Even steward hide for backyard.

Because I enter, he clean everywhere top to bottom. Mop, sanitizer, sweep, spray air freshener. I just watch.

I look am, ask wetin dey my mind. Gather courage, voice low: "Why I no fit enter? Na file I go carry."

"Why I no fit enter?"

I try explain, but he cut me off. Anger dey voice. These days, Sulaiman dey invite Halima come house. Halima dey enter study, play music, gist. If I pass, dem no greet me. Dem go talk music for study, sometimes till night. Even food I cook for kitchen go cold, dem still dey inside.

Why Halima fit enter, but me I no fit?

I talk am, eyes red. "Why she fit enter, but me I no fit? And I no dirty. Why you dey clean study after I enter?"

I try beg, but Sulaiman face strong. No look my eye. Face cold pass before.

He cross arm, voice cold: "You no dey understand. She no be like you. She understand music. She be soulmate."

He look me like say I dey invisible. Chest dey pain.

"You no sabi. If you enter, everywhere go dirty."

He talk am slow, but e pain me deep. For mind, I dey wonder if na curse.

All these years, I don used to the way he dey talk short short, so I understand. Since marriage, I don hear worse, but this one cut me pass.

Anytime he vex, na me dey calm am. I try pet am, beg am, but e no dey work again. But this day, even as I know say he dey vex, I no fit beg am like before. I too don tire. Spirit weak.

I close my eye. "Sulaiman, the way you dey talk dey wound person." Voice crack, but I no care again.

Na that time, sugar for body drop; I stagger, waka back. Body hot, dizzy, ground dey move. Hold wall.

But na for study door I stand. Door no close, as I waka back, I enter study by mistake. Na mistake.

Sulaiman think say na wahala I dey find. Eye cold, vein for forehead dey show. Hand dey shake, he point at me, voice sharp like razor. He point, talk many strong word, end am with three lines.

He dey shout, echo bounce for wall. "Go away. Leave this place now," he shout. House help rush hide. "This na my house, no be your own. Out. No show face for my house again."

He hiss, bang door, everything quiet. For my mind, na old pain dey return.

This kind word, I don hear am before. I remember Eze house, sisters dey chase me, call me bastard. The pain resurface. When I first enter Eze, my half-sisters talk am to me. Recall first day, small pikin dem dey push. I dey cry for night.

That time, I go hide under bedsheet, cry. Shiver, bite lip, wish say I fit disappear. Pillow soak with tears.

I think say, for future, I must get my own house, where nobody fit chase me. I swear that day, say one day I go build my own house, even if na one room.

After I marry, I think say this house with Sulaiman na my home. Put hope for Okoye family, believe say marriage go save me from old pain. Even if e no fit protect me, at least na my place. I tell myself, "Here, nobody fit pursue me again."

But today, he shout say house na him name, na him family money build am, say I no get right. All the small hope scatter like beans. My heart break, tears dey fall.

He tell me make I pack go. No dignity remain. Even house help dey peep from kitchen, whisper.

Tears rush, helplessness wan swallow me. I cover face, cry inside palm. Body dey shake, heart heavy.

I lower head, dey count days. Every calendar I dey mark, I tick the days since I marry Sulaiman. Each day dey drag.

Since I meet Sulaiman at fifteen, na ten years now. "Ten years of my life na so so pain and waiting."

At fifteen, engagement give me five good years. For those five years, hope dey. I dream of love, of new beginning.

At twenty, I marry Sulaiman, take care of am for five years. I give my youth, energy, patience. My own dream pause for am.

Five years don reach, I don pay Okoye family back. I reason say all my debt don finish. I no owe anybody.

I tire for this life. I close window, lock door, sit for bed. Body empty, mind dey shout, "Enough!"

I want divorce. Na only that word dey my mind. I repeat am till my heart calm.