Chapter 1: The Surprise Plan

I hide inside my car, gripping a cold bottle of champagne, ready to surprise my babe for her birthday.

As I dey inside motor, my heart dey beat like talking drum for festival. I don set everything: flowers for boot, small cake, even ring wey I wan use propose. My hand dey sweat as I hold the bottle, but smile still dey my face—today suppose sweet. See as I dey try do surprise proposal like all those Instagram people—Naija man no dey carry last.

As she dey near, I hear two voices. Before I fit reason, I peep through tinted glass—na so dem press her body against am, both of them dey pant like say dem just finish relay race.

Na wah o! E shock me, my hand start to shake. The voices loud—one deep, one soft. The way dem dey move, e resemble Nollywood scene wey person go shout 'Hay God!' But this one real pass TV. My mind dey race; which kind wahala be this on top my own babe birthday?

I suppose hide under the car, no be inside—if to say I do am like that, I for no see the wild way dem dey do.

If na under car I hide, na only dust go stain my trouser. But as I dey inside, I see everything clear—the kain thing wey fit make man question him destiny. God, which kind bad luck be this?

But the worst part? I plan propose today. I even start livestream so everybody fit join celebrate our happiness.

As I dey reason all this, e pain me reach bone. I don tell everybody—friends, family, my babe besties, even my boss—say I wan propose. Make dem join me online, see as my babe go happy. Now, na village people arrange their own livestream for me.

As I dey here, both our parents, relatives, and friends dey watch online...

E be like say everybody for both families dey front of phone or TV, dey wait to celebrate love, dey press horn for WhatsApp. Some people don even dress up for house, dey snap selfie with cake. Now, na drama pass Big Brother Naija dem dey watch.

Me and my babe lock eye, but she no fit see me because I don put dark window film.

Her face dey shine outside, her smile wide as she dey gist with the other guy, but she no know say devil dey wait inside car for am. As our eyes jam through glass, my heart skip. Na only God know how I take hold myself from breaking that glass.

She come dey form, say make dem go car. My mind cut, because the livestream dey broadcast from one camera inside the car. If she enter, camera go show everything, na disgrace be that.

As she dey use hand gesture, dey push the guy make dem waka go the car, I just dey pray for miracle. The kain prayer wey man dey pray for NEPA to bring light during Arsenal match. My chest dey heavy, like say pepper enter my eyes.

Sharp sharp, I call her. She look her phone, see say na me, pick am quick quick, say, “I dey meeting, e no convenient to talk.”

She pick the call like person wey dey dodge wahala. Her voice soft, as if she dey inside boardroom. Even add small fake accent, 'I dey in meeting, it is not convenient.' I wan shout, but my mouth dey heavy.

Before I fit talk anything, she don cut call. I even see as she off her phone.

E shock me—how person go cut call for him own birthday, for boyfriend wey be him car owner? As she off phone, I know say my plan don scatter. My body cold. Na so person dey miss road for Lagos traffic be this.

Next thing, the car door open. The two of them rush enter, the guy press her down for seat, dem dey kiss anyhow, forget say world dey.

Na real film trick. Door never even close finish, dem don dey do wetin husband and wife dey hide do. The kain speed wey dem take rush inside, you go know say e no be today their matter start. My mind dey tell me, 'Guy, na your day to see shege.'

E don finish be that.

For my mind, na only Amen remain make I complete the prayer of heartbreak. Tears gather for my eye but man no fit cry for public. E pain me reach bone marrow.

Camera dey capture everything.

As dem dey roll, I remember say that camera wey I set, na HD. High definition disgrace. The kain clarity wey even my grandpapa for village go fit see everything for his small phone. Shame dey catch me for myself.

My car na SUV. That time, I dey lie down for boot, I no even know wetin to do.

Inside boot, everywhere dey dark, but my eye dey sharp. My body dey cramp, na so I hold champagne, dey reason my life. If mosquito bite me now, I no go even feel am. This kain emotional pain pass any physical wahala.

Today na her birthday. I plan say as she come down, I go open boot—just like those videos wey dey trend online: boot go open, everywhere full with roses and gifts, I go kneel down with ring, propose.

I even buy small generator for boot in case PHCN mess up, so that fairy light go still shine. I arrange red roses, plastic sef, because flower for Lagos market dey cost. I plan say I go kneel down, make she cry joy, camera go catch everything. My mind sweet before.

Suppose be romantic proposal, camera for capture her surprise and joy.

I dey imagine say she go scream, hug me, tears of joy go flow, she go call her mama. All those Instagram reels wey dey go viral. I go trend for good thing, for once.

All our people dey house dey wait. We agree say once proposal work, as I bring her enter house, everybody go burst confetti for us.

Even my younger sister dey wait with small speaker to play love song. Everybody dey ready, food and drinks don dey ground. My uncle wey never smile before, today na him wear new agbada for video call. Now, everything don spoil.

Now, everywhere just awkward.

If pin drop, you go hear am. For my mind, I dey pray make ground open swallow me. Even the air for the boot dey heavy, as if all the ancestors dey judge me.

Wetin the camera dey show for livestream na as the guy dey remove her cloth, one by one.

Omo! The kain thing wey dey show for screen, if my pastor see am, na deliverance he go call for me. Camera dey capture her hand as e dey push the guy jacket, the guy dey lick her neck, my head dey spin. Shame no let me breathe.

The guy come dey smile anyhow, talk say, “Why you no wan answer your boyfriend call? You dey fear say he go catch you?”

Him dey boast, face like local champion wey win lotto. He dey shine teeth, dey push my babe head back, dey look am with eyes wey dey mock. My blood dey boil but my hand dey weak.

My babe kiss am, reply with shaky voice, “I no dey fear. If you wan play phone call game, I fit call am now.”

Her voice dey tremble, but she dey try form hard babe. She dey run mouth, dey use her lips rub the guy face, like say e dey sweet her to dey rebel. Omo, e pain me well.

The guy laugh scatter, hold her for seat. “You dey mad o, you wild well well.”

Him dey squeeze her small, laugh like person wey no get home training. That kain laugh wey fit scatter respect for family meeting. My own heartbreak just dey multiply.

My babe talk, “Since na adventure we dey find, make we do am well.”

Her voice soft, she even use hand push the guy, but na for play. The two of them dey like say dem dey film skit for YouTube. Adventure ke? Na thunder go fire this adventure.

Both of them don scatter for back seat, no even know say I dey hide for boot.

Dem dey roll for back seat like say dem dey inside hotel, no care for world. The kain confidence, you go fear. If to say I shout, dem for jump break glass.

Me, I awkwardly on my phone. As I look, na dem dey seat, dey knack, and the livestream dey show everything.

I dey press my phone small small, hand dey shake. I wan off the stream but my brain no fit reason straight. For screen, na my own disgrace dey play, my own car na stage.

The stream get password, but over hundred people dey watch.

I try reason am—how password show for this kain matter, yet over hundred eyes dey see my own shame. Na who share am? Maybe all those people wey too sabi gossip for compound.

I no even get that kind friends. E clear say one relative or friend don invite others to come see drama.

If I catch the person wey leak am, I go block am for life. E sure me say one auntie or one babe friend don use password share for family WhatsApp group. Now, people wey no even like me dey see my downfall.

Over hundred people, nobody talk anything.

E be like say everybody dey mute. Even the group chat, na only silent tears. Nobody fit drop comment, dem just dey look, dey wonder how my story take reach this kind level.

I fit imagine everybody for my house, hold cake and confetti, dey look phone, dey see disgrace.

My mama fit dey kitchen, pot for hand, dey ask my papa, 'Is this not Nkem's car? Why dem dey do like this inside?' All my babe people, all of dem, dey freeze. Cake wey dem bake, nobody go chop am again.

Worst part, I see one account dey send me virtual gift anyhow.

Who dey send me gift during this kind wahala? Na so alert dey pop up, as if say dem dey reward me for heartbreak. My eye wide.

Na my babe mama—my future mother-in-law.

When I see the username, I nearly laugh cry. Na the same mama wey dey tell me, 'Take care of my daughter o.'

She dey send gift because as she send am, special effect go cover the shameful scene. Na so cartoon heart dey fly for screen, but shame still dey show for everybody eye. I understand say na attempt to save face. E touch me small—at least one person dey try.

My future mother-in-law no sabi technology; she no know say you fit clear screen with one tap, so special effect no go block anything.

The woman na local. She think say once she dey press that gift button, e go hide everything from her own eye and others. She no sabi say all na format.

But she no know, she just dey send gift, dey waste her pension money.

My heart dey bleed for her. This woman, after all her years for civil service, na to dey buy virtual roses for app wey dey disgrace her pikin remain? Life no balance at all.

I no fit off the livestream, because the software dey run for car system. I suppose use car controls off am.

My hand dey shake, I dey try remember where dem hide the menu for car dashboard. The touch screen dey far, and if I move, dem go notice. E remain make I use prayer off the system.

That time, the guy finally notice say something dey off. He say, “Wait, why car dey on?”

As the car dashboard light up, AC dey blow, the guy eye sharp. Him voice change, he dey look round like thief wey police dey pursue. Na small time remain make him suspect camera.

My babe smile, “My boyfriend car fit on AC from phone. I no wan make you sweat, so I on am before I come down.”

She dey lie with bold face. E be like say this one no dey use mouth chop groundnut. The confidence wey she get, I fear am. She just dey form tech babe, dey use lie cover her track.

The guy shock, “Na him? That your boyfriend domestic car, this your Keke SUV wey no reach ten million naira, get that kind feature? My Benz wey pass fifty million no get am.”

The guy dey mock my ride. You go think say I dey drive okada. My own Keke SUV, na Toyota Highlander wey I dey manage. As he talk, I just dey wish make thunder strike him mouth.

My babe hold his face, kiss am, “So you dey knack person babe for his cheap car of ten million.”

She dey laugh as she talk am, the kain laugh wey dey cut person soul. As she talk, the guy face dey shine, like say na trophy he win. See as dem dey use my sweat do cruise.

Na so the guy happy more. He start to remove her cloth, dey bite her ear, dey whisper, “You be real ashawo. Your boyfriend dey allow you drive him car, but you still dey enter keke every day, dey talk dirty to me.”

The guy dey boast, dey run commentary for bedroom. Him dey lick her ear, dey bite am small, dey call her all those names wey big boys dey use. The thing dey pain me, but my body dey stiff like stick.

My babe moan, “Yes, I bad. The more you talk like this, the more I dey ginger. He be my mumu, but I be your own.”

She dey confess like say dem dey church for night vigil, dey shout 'I bad!' Her mouth dey sweet, na so she dey wind am. My heart dey break, but e dey pain me like film—my chest hollow, like groundnut shell wey dem don lick finish.

Then, wahala start.

Na that moment my own spirit leave my body. I know say matter don pass my hand. Na here my own heart officially break.

The guy kiss her collarbone, then begin sing: “Na who love you dey suffer pass, but na who you love dey make you craze.”

As he dey sing, I dey wonder if na juju dey worry am. Who dey sing heartbreak lyric for another man car, on top my own babe? The voice crack, but the madness loud.

My babe laugh, dey reply his kiss, “Correct baby, just as you sing am.”

She dey giggle, dey rub his head, dey twist him ear. Dem dey use my car do karaoke, dey remix love song. I wan shout, 'End time don reach!'

I no understand. Who dey sing for middle of that kind thing?

For my mind, I dey reason, 'Abi na spiritual attack?' Even for Yoruba film, I never see this kain show. Maybe na Benz boys dey run mad love ritual, who know?

Maybe na their own madness. Or maybe na Benz guys dey sabi make girls laugh.

I just dey wonder, dey pity myself. For this Lagos, na who get Benz get mouth. My own Keke SUV, e be like plastic toy beside their own.

But e pain me, because everything dey livestream.

As my own life dey end for love, na so dem dey watch am live. If to say I dey dream, make I wake up now now.