Chapter 4: Dignity Before Shame

About wetyn the comments talk—that dem go soon chase me comot from Okafor family—

Their voice dey loud, but my pride loud pass. I decide say I no go gree shame catch me. I go waka with my head up, even if na pain dey chop my heart.

Instead make I shame, better make I leave first. After three years of marriage, I don try.

People fit talk, but dem no dey my shoe. I carry my dignity like wrapper for harmattan breeze—tight for my chest.

Now my main worry na how I go survive after divorce.

I dey reason rent, food, even transport money. For this Lagos, na who get plan dey survive. I no wan waka go back my papa house empty hand.

If my parents hear say Okafor family divorce me, dem no go send me again. So I must rely on myself.

Na so e dey for we wey dem marry out for city—if you return with empty hand, people go use your matter do story for evening gist.

As I reason am, I carry my box, look the expensive bags and jewelry wey he buy for me, I confuse small.

All those fine things na memory of the life I try build. But wetin person go do with gold if heart dey bleed?

I like all these things, but if e no fit enter my box nko?

I dey turn shoe, dey count bag, dey wonder which one get meaning. E pain me, but I know say material no be everything.

Knowing Ikenna, if I waka, he go just throw everything away.

Na him way—he no dey look back. So I know say if I no take am, na waste.

After I struggle for long, I find person overnight, sell everything, carry the money put for my account.

The woman price am down, dey talk, "Sister, this bag no be original!" I just nod—make I carry my money go.

As I dey look the extra zeros, I sleep alone for bed.

Money no fit warm bed, but e sure for mind. I hug my pillow, close eyes, dey imagine my new life for quiet flat, maybe even start small business.

Next morning, na kiss wake me.

His lips soft, as if he dey beg for something. For split second, I wan believe say everything fit turn better.

Ikenna, wey no come house all night, return for morning, sit by my bed, dey kiss me again and again.

Sun dey peek through curtain, his face get one kind tired light. He just dey look me, kiss me soft, like say e dey say sorry for something I no know.

I wonder why he gentle today. Then I remember wetyn people dey talk—after man do bad thing, he go treat wife better.

My mama used to warn me: "If man start dey gentle sudden, check wetin he hide." My body just dey cold, I dey watch am with side-eye.

As I reason am, my mind just cold. I purse my lips, turn my face from his kiss.

I no want make my heart jump go where e no suppose. I just dey quiet, dey gather my courage for wetin dey come.

Ikenna don change cloth. I sniff, try catch another scent for him body.

I shift close, hoping to catch something different—maybe sign say something change.

After long, na only small blood scent I smell.

My nose wrinkle, as if I smell kpomo wey no done. Blood? That one strange pass as e be.

My eyebrow raise. I even dey reason: shey real wife scent fit dey smell like blood?

I dey wonder if na my mind dey play me. For all my years, I never hear say person get blood scent.

...That one go too strange.

E fit mean say I dey overthink, or maybe na wahala wey I no sabi.

Ikenna kiss me near ear, frown, no happy, grip my hand, pinch my chin, wan kiss me again.

His grip gentle, but his frown deep. The man dey restless, like goat wey dey rain.

Before he fit, he pause, his big hand rub my finger gently.

I feel his thumb dey circle my knuckle, his eyes dey search my face like person dey find lost thing for market.

He suddenly ask, "Where the ring?"

My heart jump. Wahala—last night as I dey sell things, I forget say I sell the ring join.

My chest seize, as if small demon sit for my throat. I dey try form calm, but my mind dey shout.

But since Ikenna don get new lover, I no need the ring again.

For my mind, I don resign. Na only paper remain make everything end.

I answer, "Maybe I leave am for bathroom."

I dey lie, but my voice dey shake small. I just dey pray make he no push the matter.

As I talk, I kiss am quick, try shift his mind.

I even try act playful, but my heart dey pound. I dey hope say na old trick go work.

But this time, Ikenna take am serious. He turn, voice tight: "Bathroom? I go check."

His tone sharp, no smile for face. I dey see the stubborn side of am wey no dey gree leave matter.

I try stop am, but he don reach bathroom.

I dey stand for door, dey bite my lip, dey pray make he forget the wahala.

Small time, he come back, face cold. "E no dey there."

His eye dey hard, like man wey dey judge person for court. I shift leg, dey avoid his gaze.

Of course, I don sell am.

No use pretending. But still, I gree keep my secret till end.

But I never finish the divorce agreement, so I try play calm, give another excuse:

I dey rack my brain, dey find another lie wey fit hold water.

"Maybe e dey somewhere else for house. I go find am later."

I wave hand, act as if na small matter. But sweat dey my palm.

But he stubborn. "Find am now."

His voice no get space for argument. He dey look me straight, no blink.

Me: "..."

I swallow spit, try smile, but e no reach my eyes.

No choice, I get up, pretend search.

I pack my wrapper, small cooler, and the plastic bag wey I dey use buy bread from the junction. I dey open drawers, dey shift chair, even dey check kitchen. I even check under the foam, where cockroach dey hide, just to make the search look real. But na only me sabi say na waste of time.

Next thing, Ikenna carry me with one hand. "No dey waka barefoot. Wear your shoe."

He bend down, slip slipper for my leg, as if na pikin he dey dress. I no argue, just do as he talk.

After I wear am, he drop me, point with chin. "Oya, go find am."

He dey watch me, hands for waist, no even blink. Pressure dey my back like police dey check me.

I search the house, but as I expect, I no see ring.

I dey act busy, but my mind dey elsewhere. The house girl dey look us, but na her business she dey face.

Ikenna stand for back, hand cross, voice flat: "Nkechi, where the ring?"

When I hear my full name, I know say level don change. For this house, na only trouble dey follow full name.

After three years, I sabi am well. If he call my full name, wahala dey.

I dey remember the first time he call me like that, na when I burn jollof rice. Since then, I dey fear the tone.

But I no fit talk say I sell the ring. I scratch my head, guilty:

My hand dey rub scalp, voice small. I dey try dodge his eye.

"Uh, maybe I lose am outside..."

My excuse weak, but na the only thing wey come my mind.

He still dey wear him own plain silver ring. My finger bare.

That ring, though plain, get meaning. Now my finger empty, cold air dey touch my skin.

Ikenna just look me, quiet.

The silence loud. I fit hear clock for parlour dey tick. My heart dey race.

I wait small, then move near, hold his sleeve:

I gree humble myself, try appeal to him soft side. "Ikenna, no vex..."

He just stand, look me.

His eye dey search me, but he no talk. The tension dey heavy.

I no sabi how to pet am or wetyn to talk. As he dey ignore me, I try hold his finger.

His skin warm, but his heart dey far. I dey try bridge the gap wey don grow between us.

He still quiet.

No single word, no smile, no nod. I dey beg make small sign show say e go forgive me.

No choice, I shake his finger small.

I dey act like pikin wey dey beg for sweet, hoping say e go soften.

His face soften. He sigh, pull me for hug: "The mark don fade again. Make I do am again."

I feel his chest for my cheek, his sigh dey heavy. I gree, stretch my neck, accept wetin be my lot.

As he drop the matter, I just stretch my neck, let am bite.

For that bite, I close my eye, swallow my pain. My mind dey far, dey count the days till freedom.

Ikenna stay house till noon, then rush out, say na meeting.

He grab briefcase, plant small kiss for my forehead, then waka fast. I watch him shadow fade for corridor, my heart blank.

That afternoon, Ikenna mama send me photo.

Her message short: "Check this." I know say trouble dey when mother-in-law dey involve.

Na scent compatibility report.

My hand dey shake as I open the image. My heart dey jump like frog.

I open am, see Ikenna name and one omega name.

The other omega name strange, but my spirit already sabi wetin e mean.

Compatibility reach 99%—almost perfect.

I dey read the number again and again. My own number dey play for my mind—just 9%.

Number wey I no fit ever reach.

I gree, no matter how I try, e no go ever be my portion. My fate clear.

Comments just dey rush:

[Wow, Ikenna mama don enter the matter. Correct move!]

[Good, supporting wife go soon waka, make real wife enter!]

Dem dey jubilate, as if na goal dem score. But me, I don tire to fight shadow.

I no send the comments, just call lawyer, ask if divorce paper ready.

My voice sharp, no room for begging. I dey move like person wey dey run from burning house.

Because I pay extra for urgent, and I no ask for plenty, lawyer fast well.

She even send me small "Sorry o" text, but na business matter I face.

By evening, after we confirm everything, she send me the final paper.

Printer dey whine, the paper thin, but e heavy for my hand. My chest dey pound.

I print am, stare at the thin paper, wait for Ikenna to come back.

Time dey crawl, clock slow. I sit for parlour, paper for hand, dey rehearse my lines.

By seven, he reach house.

His footstep heavy for corridor. I sit up, heart dey knock my chest. The moment don reach.