Chapter 1: The Divorce Wahala

I’ve been in a contract marriage—just for eye service—married to Olumide, the succubus CEO, for three whole years.

On the day I asked for a divorce—

He just answered like nothing dey happen, but suddenly, messages begin flash for on top him head—na only me dey see am, like spiritual WhatsApp:

[No wahala, this gist choke! This one na real mad yandere! Those iron chains and small toys for the basement, all of them na custom-made for the female supporting character—why you dey form gentleman again?]

[Girl, as soon as you sign, next time you open eye, na chain dem go use hold you, face-to-face with this crazy second male lead. I swear, if dem lock this babe, e go trend for Twitter!]

[Yes o! The captivity arc don finally reach! All this hate—e dey sweet me. The succubus true form even get barbs. This female supporting character don do plenty wicked things—see as her eye dey dull, na wetin she deserve...]

[Female supporting character, you dey confuse? If you just show second male lead small kindness these past years, this your love-craze man for don kneel down, dey lick your foot. E no go turn to this kind wicked hatred!]

My hand begin shake as I dey sign, and I peep the man wey no dey show face for any emotion.

As I dey hold that pen, my heart dey jump like agbalumo for market tray. My mind dey flash back—Mama face dey lonely after Papa almost waka comot that year, the way she dey sit for parlour dey stare TV, her eyes always far. I dey fear that kain emptiness pass anything. My body cold, but Olumide face still blank, like conductor wey dey count change for traffic. Na only those yeye messages dey flash like generator noise for background.

“Erm, make we no divorce again abeg.”

1

"What?" Olumide just raise him eyelid small, voice flat like say e no concern am.

Even the way him talk, e resemble person wey dey handle business meeting for boardroom, not person wey marriage dey break. Na so calm e be, I almost begin suspect if na jazz I dey under. For my mind, I dey ask: this guy no even get small wahala for chest?

He look so unbothered, I even dey wonder if na my mind dey play trick on me with all those messages.

All those spirits for my head dey do meeting, dey gist anyhow, but Olumide just dey on his own level. Na so some people sabi hide feeling for this Lagos—one minute you think dem dey your side, next thing na wall you dey talk to.

I take deep breath, drop the pen half-way for my signature, rush begin explain:

My hand dey sweat, pen dey slip, I just talk as my chest dey tight—'I just suddenly no want divorce again.' I mean, after three years together, dem say one day as husband and wife na hundred days of favour, abi? I don dey used to you. Honestly, I no sure say I fit live without you...'

As I dey yarn, I dey hear my own voice shake, like generator wey no wan start. The proverb sef, na from my mama side, just waka comot my mouth. Three years, na so so up and down, but wetin remain for me? As I talk finish, my mouth dry, chest dey drum.

The more I talk, the more him face dey twist, confusion just dey show. My confidence begin fade, my voice die for my mouth.

For that moment, I see say even Olumide fit confuse. E never see me talk like this before. Na so e dey look me as if he wan decode whether na play I dey play or na real.

My marriage with Olumide na pure accident.

If I go talk true, e fit be say na destiny even arrange am. For my people, dem dey always talk say when your time reach, water go find im level. But this our own, na wahala just land from nowhere like harmattan dust.

Five years ago, after one broke intern called Halima enter the company, my life wey dey smooth just scatter anyhow.

Halima just resemble those village girls wey dey carry grace for head, gele always neat, even her Hausa accent dey make people smile. As she enter, everybody just dey do like say na gold she be. My shine begin dull, office people wey dey hail me before, start dey whisper. Na so my whole body begin itch.

My childhood friend wey promise to dey for me forever, fall for another babe, break our engagement for public, disgrace me finish.

The day Seyi break my heart, na inside Mr Biggs, front of all our old classmates. E pain me reach bone. Even my favourite meatpie lose taste for my mouth. I push am aside, Fanta no even sweet again. That kain shame, you go just wish make ground open.

Even my parents wey dey pamper me, for the first time, carry Halima matter for head.

I shock. Mama start dey call Halima "our daughter". Papa dey smile anytime Halima dey greet am. Me? Dem just dey act like say I turn ghost. My own don spoil, I swear.

Jealousy wan finish me, I just dey find how to prove say I no be person wey nobody want, so I marry out of spite—the popular, dark, and ruthless succubus CEO, Olumide, wey everybody dey run from.

Na so I take do fast move, marry Olumide sharp sharp. Dem talk say e get as e be—me I just dey reason say make I show all of una. No be only you sabi catch big fish. But the guy sef na different case, all that him aura fit make persin shiver.

For three years after, na me and Halima dey always clash, but I dey always lose.

Halima always dey waka like say she no sabi anything, but na she dey win every time. If na TV, I go say she dey do jazz. Anything I plan go backfire—na so so wahala.

Anytime, either Olumide go sharp, block me quick, or I go use my own hand spoil my plan.

Me sef dey wonder. Sometimes I go arrange something, na Olumide go just waka show, spoil everything, carry Halima go safety. Other times, na me go fall my own hand—talk too much, act too fast, everywhere burst.

Recently, my wahala to set Halima up cast. My own don spoil finish, even friends begin cut me off by themselves.

Na that time I know say matter don pass be careful. Even those wey dey toast me before, begin avoid me like police checkpoint. I go send message—two blue tick, but nobody dey answer.

I know say Olumide dey vex for my wickedness and always dey take Halima side. Instead make I wait make he use leg match me when I don fall, I gree to leave first make I still get small dignity.

No be say I get strength to fight. For my mind, if I waka comot myself, at least I fit hold small pride. If I wait, maybe Olumide go just disgrace me well for front of everybody. Abeg, I no wan hear story.

When I send the divorce request, Olumide dey inside serious meeting. But he call back almost immediately.

"Reason." His voice just cold, no emotion.

That time, if you hear am, e be like say Naija NEPA voice—no light, no heat, just darkness. I remember say I almost laugh. Wetin I go talk? I no even know wetin to answer.

I laugh small: "That day you no close bathroom door, I mistakenly see your tail. The thing just dey wet, dey slippery, I no fit cope."

I yarn am as joke, but deep down I dey test if e go show any feeling. Na that kind dry joke wey person go crack for burial, nobody go laugh. Olumide just dey mute.

So now, as I dey talk all this 'can’t live without you'—forget Olumide, even me no believe myself...

As I dey talk am, my mind dey cut. Na so person go dey lie for pastor. But if I no try, wetin remain? I just dey hope say luck go shine for my side small.

"You sure say you no want divorce?" Instead of that cold laugh I dey expect, him low voice just bring me back.

Him tone this time, e get small shakara. Like say he wan confirm if I dey talk true. E dey remind me of those days for university, when lecturer go ask, "You sure say you submit your assignment?" You go just dey reason your life.

"I no want. For now."

I talk am as e dey my chest. I no fit swear, but at least I sabi say I no ready make this man waka.

I watch Olumide face, but happiness no even show at all.

Guy dey do like say na bank account e dey balance. No joy, no smile, just face like Monday morning for Lagos.

"As you like." After small silence, he carry the half-signed divorce paper, put am inside shredder.

As he press that button, the noise loud for my ear. I dey watch those papers disappear, na so I dey wonder whether na my life dey scatter like suya for roadside.

New message pop up:

[Wetin dey worry this wicked female supporting character—she don finally get sense?]

[Ada don wise up, wan dey follow second male lead? But e late small o, the guy hatred don dey spread.]

[Who talk say e late? This time sweet die! You no see as second male lip dey shake with joy as he shred divorce paper? Even that shredder—e weak me! This guy fear say the babe go change her mind next minute.]

[Female supporting character, no stop! Push am more! The second male na yandere succubus, no get conscience, you be villainess—una fit die. Just hold am well, you no go ever fear Halima the heroine again!]