Chapter 1: Mumu System No Be Juju

After I got tied to the Mumu System, I dedicated myself to Amaka for ten whole years, from secondary school till I enter my thirties.

People dey talk say craze dey worry me, but truth be say, na only person wey never jam real wahala go fit judge. From that very first day, as the Mumu System enter my body, my heart just begin do follow-follow like say dem use magnet drag am go Amaka side. If you see the way I dey reason her matter, you go think say na juju dey hold me. But make I clear am—no be juju, no be village people. Na proper system, like say person sign contract with wahala. Sometimes, e be like say my head dey inside bottle wey she cover. Like say na ogogoro bottle, she cork am, throw key. For her matter, my mumu no get rival for this Lagos.

For secondary school, dem expel me because I fight for her matter. When I start to work, I max out all my salary and borrow from every corner just for her sake. But still, the men wey dey her side dey come and go, and me, I never reach that level.

See ehn, for that school, my parents almost use cane break my back the day dem hear say na because of girl dem send me go house. My mama shout, "God forbid bad thing! Na woman go finish your destiny?" But wetin I go do? My mumu na higher grade. Na first class mumu, if dem dey share degree. When I begin work, na so dem dey see alert, but before the end of month, everywhere dry, just because Amaka talk say she wan do birthday or say her phone spoil. My guy, I even borrow from Mama Nkechi joint—her face squeeze like kpomo, she warn me say if I no pay, she go collect my shoe—and na so debt dey follow me like my shadow. Yet, dem guys wey dey do shakara for her no even last. Me, I just dey there dey watch.

For her eyes, I just be one mumu wey dey follow her up and down.

As I dey waka for her back, e be like say I carry invisible leash. Anything wey she talk, na yes ma. If you see the way her eyes dey shine when another guy hold her, my own just be to dey pick the pieces. Dem talk say man dey mumu for love, but my own don pass love reach another level. I dey sure say if dem dey share award for who dey loyal pass, na my name go first enter list.

Anytime she dey kiss another man, na me go dey wonder which lipstick I buy for her she dey use.

Sometimes, e go pain me for chest, but as I see the gloss for her mouth, I go dey calculate—"No be that one wey I buy for Yaba market?" My mind go dey heavy, but my mouth no fit talk. If you see as I dey clean tears for inside, e go make you reason say love na real wahala. Even my own shadow go dey shame for me that time.

Anytime she slap me, na me go dey ask whether her hand dey pain her.

If she vex, raise hand wipe me, I go dey beg her, "No vex o, hope say your hand no pain you." As her hand land my face, I see small star for eye, but I still dey smile like mumu. Even if my cheek dey hot like pepper, I go still dey smile. For my area, boys dey use my gist do cruise for beer parlour—dem go yarn, "No let woman use you do Ikenna, e get as e be."

Everybody dey pity me, but dem no sabi say na Mumu System tie me. As long as I continue to dey mumu for Amaka for ten years, one billion go land for my hand.

Nobody know say na system dey run me. Dem think say na my village people dey press remote, but I dey count my days, dey wait for my own pay day. For that ten years, my life just dey like person wey dey do national service. One billion dey reason me for corner, and I dey calculate every second, dey wait make my mumu complete.

When the ten years finally end, I turn billionaire and waka leave her. Na that time she begin regret.

As I see alert for my phone, I just take one deep breath, smile reach my ear. I carry my small Ghana-Must-Go, pack my things, and as I waka commot for her life, na so she begin call, beg, kneel down. Even her mama send me message. People wey dey look down on me before begin greet me for road. Suddenly, my mumu get value.

"Ikenna, abeg, love me one more time. I fit even give you my life."

She kneel down for my door, tears dey pour like say tap open. Her voice crack, She grip my leg, her tears wet my trouser, but my mind don already waka. "Ikenna, na only you sabi love me true. If you come back, I go do anything. Take my life sef."

"Your life no get better value—why you wan dash me something wey no good?" I pause, shake head, then add with dry smile, "If na car, at least e go move."

I just stand dey look her. I shake head, pity dey my eye but my chest don harden. "No vex o, Amaka. Na this your life sef dey spoil person. Dash me better thing make I reason am. Abeg, shift." My guys for street later hail me, say na only me fit collect billion for this Lagos wey mumu dey pay.