Chapter 3: Lobby Gbege and Kitchen Roasts

That night, as usual, Halima invite me to five-stack for canyon.

You know say, for Naija, no matter how we vex, we still go jam for game. Halima na ginger queen, e no dey hard am to reset. She call me, "Babe, come let’s flex muscle small."

As I enter, both our CPs dey there.

I dey try avoid drama, but you know as e dey—wahala dey always find way. Both Seyi and Tunde already join, dey greet everybody.

I nudge her. "How far? No be you talk say you wan break up?"

I just use elbow touch her, dey try remind am say na she first raise the matter.

She just raise shoulder, "Desensitization play—last round."

Halima with her mouth—e get as she dey talk am. "Abeg, last round. I nor dey feel anything again, na just practice." I just dey look her, dey laugh.

I nod. Na my bestie be this: "Just one more, e no cost, chop, you no go fat, e go soon finish, na last one"—na her regular lie be that.

She fit say "last round" ten times before game finish. Na so she dey roll.

But tonight, wahala dey ground.

That night, I for know say spirit of confusion dey for server. My chest just dey tight, like say something wan burst.

Because her national server Musa just yarn, "Wait, make I call person."

Halima look me, eye big. Tunde just type: "One sec, I go add pesin."

Next thing, one babe with pink avatar and ID 'Bai Tao Nai Fu' enter.

The babe enter lobby, her avatar bright like Instagram slay queen. All of us just dey eye her.

First thing she talk, dey giggle:

"I don come o, all because of Seyi. Call me come play for nothing, waste my time."

Her voice sweet like Agege bread, but her wahala na premium package. Halima just squeeze face.

Halima nearly roll her eye reach back of head.

You know Naija girls ehn—Halima go fit roll eye reach village. If not because phone small, she for roll reach ground.

She mute and whisper for me, "If e dey waste her time, why she still dey here?"

She low-key dey vex, her side talk no pass me.

Me, loyal hype woman: "Na so, na so, you dey talk true."

I dey help am boost confidence. If dem wan do us anyhow, we go reply two times.

Inside game, national server Musa introduce her as their neighbor and childhood friend—Aisha Bello.

The way Tunde take introduce her, you go think say dem be twins. "Na our neighbor, we dey play since childhood," he yarn.

Halima and I just dey confuse: "Wait, una know una self for real life?"

We dey type for chat, dey check who be who.

Both of them reply sharp sharp: "Yes na, we be real-life bros."

Dem no even pause. Me and Halima just dey look like confused sheep.

E shock us o. Sometimes, world just small like that.

This Lagos, e dey like village sometimes. Everybody just dey jam everywhere.

Bros for real life, teammates for game.

Na real family house dem run for that lobby. Seyi be big bro, Tunde be small bro. Na so them dey share everything—even support!

Yemi player na the elder brother, Seyi.

Musa player na the younger brother, Tunde.

Na that time Halima whisper for me, "If you no get brother for Lagos, you never start life."

As we dey try sort all the relationship, dey ignore Aisha Bello, she come dey para, wan cause gbege:

"Abeg, make una no complicate am, just call us childhood sweethearts, e go dey easier."

Aisha Bello dey do oversabi. She dey act like say the world revolve around her. Me, I dey look her side eye.

"Ah ah, Tunde, this your third pick na your babe abi? Sister, no think am too much, me and am just normal friends."

She dey play both sides—front Tunde, dey shade Halima. If not for game, I for drag her small.

"After all, if we suppose dey together, we for don dey since."

She dey laugh, dey talk as if she no send anybody. Na that kind laugh dey pain pass.

She even laugh join.

You see am? Na so e dey start. Me and Halima just dey look each other, dey communicate with eye.

My green tea detector just dey shout.

If to say I dey hold bell, I for ring am. See as Aisha dey carry herself, dey spray green tea everywhere. Wahala dey!

Sister, abeg reduce am small.

If na my side, e for no pass like that.

You dey leak green tea everywhere for chat.

Halima just dey tap phone, dey shake head. "This one no get shame o!" she whisper.

That time, I still dey guard Halima, dey fear say the babe dey eye Tunde.

I dey reason say if fight start, I fit back my bestie, even if na inside game.

But before I know, she switch target.

Sharp babe, she just change lane, dey follow my own CP. I surprise!

Game start, she lock support.

Me and Halima dey pray say make she no carry wahala reach our lane. But the babe pick Yemi, dey ready for Seyi.

"I no too sabi, make I play Yemi, follow Seyi. Who be marksman? Seyi babe?"

She dey act innocent, but she dey set trap for us.

"Her rank high, her skill suppose dey okay, she fit survive without my protection."

She dey downplay my skill. My chest dey rise, but I hold myself.

So na so dem push me go play marksman, bottom lane straight.

Halima dey chat me, "Abeg, just endure. I go support you from afar." I dey ready for anything.

Within five minutes, dem gank me three times—screen just dark anyhow, I just dey sigh.

Na that kind frustration dey make person uninstall game. If you see my face, you go pity me. I dey type, dey shake.

Now Halima no fit hold am.

She burst mic, voice loud like generator.

She on mic, talk, "You suppose follow marksman, she don chop gank too much."

Halima dey talk for my sake. If no be bestie, who go defend you like that?

Aisha Bello hiss, "She dey chop gank because she no sabi. Even if I protect her, e no go help."

The babe dey drag my gameplay. I for vex, but I still dey reason say make fight no start.

"Better make I follow Seyi, dey gank people—at least I fit help tempo."

She dey code am, but we sabi the scope.

Which kind family be this?

Na so we dey reason—na family or na set up? E be like reality show.

I dey fear. If she insult Halima direct, e for pain less, but to dey run me down for my bestie front?

If na drag, drag all of us together. To shade my own bestie for my face—na war.

No surprise, Halima no gree.

She pause game, on public mic, begin roast:

Halima no dey take rubbish. She drop controller, use real Lagos agbero voice. Everybody for lobby quiet.

"This na King’s Canyon, no be your king-size bed."

Na metaphor wey fit break internet. E choke!

"Fifteen minutes, you still be support, no big item—just red gem, blue gem, green gem. You be Thanos? Snap finger with your Infinity Gauntlet make enemy disappear, abi?"

I nearly spit my Fanta. Halima dey roast like MC for Owambe.

"You don try bot match before?"

That one pain pass. Everybody for chat dey type LMAO.

Even one area boy for voice chat shout, "Halima, abeg carry us go comedy show!"

Aisha Bello wan reply, but my bestie cut her off.

Halima just dey shut her down. If you try talk, she dey double your words.

"Go Pin DD, find mama before you talk to me."

The way Halima take run her down, you go know say she dey vex for real.

"I dey play chess with your papa—your papa na elephant, me I be advisor."

As Halima drop that last one, even Seyi for other side dey laugh. All the enemies for chat dey type clown emoji.

Me and even the five enemies all just freeze.

For like five seconds, nobody fit type. We just dey shock.

After she finish roast, na our turn next?

I dey pray make she no drag me join.

No time, next second, Halima hit surrender on enemy side.

Halima dey fearless—she just hit surrender, dey dare enemies make dem surrender join. E be like say na she dey control all remote.

"Opposite team, abeg click surrender, I don tire."

Me sef dey tired, but I just dey laugh. Na so we dey run things for Naija game night.

After all the wahala, she just japa from game.

Sharp sharp, Halima don log out. No time for long talk.

Me sef, I follow run—no delay.

I nor even wait make server load finish. I just log out, on data, off data—everything.