Chapter 4: Unbinding, Blocklists, and Dreamland Wahala

Tunde rush message her for WhatsApp, dey vex.

Tunde type paragraph—he dey defend Aisha, dey drag Halima say she too harsh. E pain Halima, she show me phone, dey curse under breath.

[Fu Fu just no sabi play, why you go roast her like that?]

He dey call Aisha Fu Fu—me I dey laugh, but Halima dey boil.

Halima hiss, call am dog, show me the chat.

She dey show me, dey expect me to join her drag. Na so we dey bond.

I gassed up—my time don reach!

I hit chest, "Babe, e be like say we go block dem all today."

I knock table, "Break up! If we no break up, we no be Nigerians!"

We dey always find reason to drag man. E sweet us as we dey plan.

We swap phone, go online, unbind CP status.

Like ritual, we dey swap phone, dey click unbind together. Na small ceremony, but e sweet die.

Then delete dem from friends list, high five, cut off the yeye men.

After delete, we high five. Halima dey do dance. I dey roll for bed. Freedom dey sweet!

I even use her account roast Tunde for like ten minutes.

I type insult, dey pepper Tunde. "See as your game dey flop, abeg!" Na so I dey run mouth for Halima account. E sweet me for body.

But just five minutes after deleting, Halima start dey feel somehow.

Na so she dey sigh, dey check her phone like person wey miss am. I dey watch her, dey laugh.

"Even though Tunde dey ignore me, e dey play well sha."

She dey act like say e no pain am, but e dey show for face.

I pour cold water: "E dey leave you for fight, dey follow another babe against you."

I just dey remind her—make she nor fall for Tunde trick.

Halima: "But e be national server Musa, e dey sweet to show off."

Halima dey form hard, but that badge dey sweet am. I dey see am.

She quiet. E don touch her.

She vex, cut me off.

Halima just shout: "If you talk am again, I go block you join!"

"Abeg abeg, I no dey go back to am! No dey talk am again!"

She don reach breaking point. I kukuma rest.

Wey I dey fear say she go dey miss am, go sneak message Tunde, I just carry myself go sleep for her place, make I monitor am.

Me, I dey sharp. I no trust this kind heartbreak. I carry my wrapper, go sleep for Halima bed. Make I dey monitor my babe, so she no go backslide.

But my own phone come dey vibrate.

As I try close eye, my phone dey ring like NEPA just bring light. Notification full everywhere.

Message dey drop—na all friend requests from Seyi.

Seyi dey disturb. E be like say he never hear word.

[Wetin happen?]

[Why you delete me?]

[Why break up? You dey vex? Na because of Aisha?]

[No be small, you break up with me because of my brother childhood friend?]

[I fit explain.]

[Yemi Yemi, abeg talk to me.]

I bone, no answer am.

Me I dey play hard girl. If you break up, you go break up with full chest.

Sorry, ex-husband.

Even though your voice dey sweet, your gameplay dey tight, you fit even fine, and you dey very generous—

E pain me small, but na so e suppose be. Seyi try sha.

Less than half month as CP, you don send me tens of thousands just for skins...

I dey count am. Na so I just dey dey calculate—how much Seyi don spend on me for this game? If na real life, I for don open POS shop.

Wait, na that one make me sit up, google:

My eye open. I begin dey reason, if police go arrest me because of all the awoof Seyi don send me. I carry my phone dey Google like say exam dey next day.

[If person send you money, dem fit arrest you?]

[How many years jail for collecting money?]

[...]

[How to contact ex secretly make bestie no catch you?]

I dey scroll all forum, dey look for answer. No solution. My wahala don double.

I no see better answer. I just sigh, drop back for bed.

I just hiss, throw phone under pillow. If wahala wan come, make e come. Sleep dey hungry me.

Halima grumble, "If you no sleep, I go pursue you."

She dey act like madam. Me, I just adjust, behave.

I just wrap myself for blanket, dey reason my life.

I dey look ceiling, dey calculate if e go bad to block Seyi for life. Na heartbreak dey sweet and dey pain.

Sorry, ex-husband. From now, na only for dream we go meet.

Na so I promise myself. No more Seyi, no more wahala.

Maybe na true say wetin you think for day, you go dream for night.

Omo, e sure die. I close eye, na Seyi dey everywhere for my dream.

I really dream of Seyi—him face fine, me dey show myself.

Dream Seyi wear white shirt, I dey blush anyhow. E just dey fresh, me I dey shine teeth.

Him shirt half open, I dey try touch him abs—

As I wan run hand, my mind dey shout, "Ah, see fine boy!"

Suddenly, Halima wake me.

As if e dey planned. Halima just kick me for leg, dey struggle for bed.

Her eye never even open finish, she dey mumble, "Ugh, nightmare."

She dey talk as if spirit dey chase her.

"I dream say Tunde find me, tie me for dark room, dey do all those forced romance plot."

Me I dey laugh, but I dey form serious. I dey jealous say her own dream reach that level.

I wake up, pretend jealous.

"You sef, see as you lucky pass me."

I dey form like say I dey vex, but deep down, I dey laugh.

I no even touch Seyi abs for dream.

See my own bad luck. All na so.

With all this drama, I forget Seyi last message—

After that dream, I nor even remember say Seyi send me last chat. I just dey pray make wahala no catch up with me for real life.

[Wait, I go give you big present face to face.]

I never still process the meaning, na later e go hook me.