Chapter 1: Family Wahala Don Start

Sun dey bake everybody for compound, sweat dey shine for forehead, but na my cousin wahala dey hot pass. Just because me and my babe dey plan do destination wedding, my cousin point finger for my face, voice loud, begin curse:

"I no gree!"

As he talk am, spit just fly from corner him mouth, land for sand. As he spit land ground, one goat wey dey waka just sidestep am sharp sharp. The whole compound quiet small. People dey look am with corner eye, some dey whisper. Na so family matter dey always scatter for our side—once person start dey para, e go drag everybody join.

He shake head, clap hand, voice rise: "Una dey make big money every year, but all una sabi na to use am travel for una own enjoyment. You no even wan do wedding party for us, your family people!"

Person go think say na him money I dey spend. Even small pikin for backyard stop play, dey peep the drama. Some aunties already dey form support group for am, just dey nod head like lizard.

"Make I tell you, you must host us well, provide correct Hennessy and St. Moritz cigarette. I no send any other thing."

He even carry him phone show picture of Hennessy bottle, as if I never sabi wetin be big man drink. For him mind, if dem no see all those things, wedding no complete. Family people sha!

My mouth wan talk back, but I just swallow spit, dey find words. I just hold myself, swallow my vex, try explain say after the destination wedding, we still go do thank-you party for house—just no do the traditional ceremony. But I no expect say the thing go vex am pass. He just knock table:

I breathe in, try smile like say everything soft, but my hand dey shake. For my mind, I dey calculate how many times this guy go carry my matter reach family table.

"No ceremony? So una no go do bride-fetching? Your babe own bridesmaids no go come too?"

He turn face my side, eye red. Person fit think say na him daughter I wan marry. He dey talk like say if dem no do bride-fetching, village go collapse. I just dey wonder if all these things really dey enter his body or na show he dey do.

"How about my own guys nko?"

He slap table again, this time the spoon for table jump, land for floor. Even small children wey dey chop begin look up. My uncle just shake head, hiss softly.

"I dey tell you, as far as I dey here, forget that your travel wedding!"

He make am sound like say na court he dey, say if he no sign, nobody fit marry for this family. For my mind, I dey shout, abeg who appoint this guy as wedding president?

All those play-play challenges sef, na just excuse to collect more money from groom side. (Bride-fetching na Igbo tradition wey the groom and him guys go the bride house, the bridesmaids go dey block them with different play-play challenges before dem carry the bride come house.)

Some people for the room dey nod, some dey pretend say dem no hear. Person fit see say e get as the thing dey pain them, but na family, everybody dey respect face.

I just shock, my head blank. Wetin concern am if I do bride-fetching or not? And how e take concern am if my babe bring her bridesmaids?

My chest just tight, like say my belle dey turn. This na me and my babe happiness, but na my cousin dey do as if na him life dem dey play for.

I remember that time he use sand pour my garri just because I no give am chewing gum. Old wounds dey scratch me for body as I remember how he dey always collect my meat pie that year, dey use seniority press me. This one na new level.

Na so family wahala dey—today, everybody go show true color.