Chapter 6: E Dey Happen Again

After I make Temi sleep, I just collapse for sofa, dey look ceiling till morning.

I no fit sleep. My mind dey run, dey count clock tick. Sofa cold, body dey pain me.

As cock first crow, I sit down for front of mirror, dey look myself.

Mirror show me tired face, eyes puffy. I dey ask myself, 'Na so I wan old?'

Woman wey her hair rough, face full of tears.

My hair scatter, no oil, even scarf slip for ground. Na real stress dey show.

I touch my face. I see say small wrinkles don dey for eye corner.

I rub small shea butter, try patch the line. I sigh, whisper, 'E never too late, Morayo.'

I tidy up, try cover the pale for my face, then open door.

Wrap my wrapper well, spray powder. Even if heart dey pain, no let housepeople see finish.

I wake late today. House don already dey busy, everybody dey do their work.

Kitchen full, noise dey everywhere. Small children dey run, maid dey mop, mama dey chop kolanut for parlour.

Because I no help prepare his agbada, Ifedike late today too, look small rush.

He dey struggle with wristwatch, socks one side. I wan help am, but pride no let me. Na so we dey live—everybody dey manage own.

His clothes get fold, he just sit for table, dey look food, no touch am.

Steam dey rise, but he just dey use spoon press the yam. Eyes dey dull, spirit low.

Ifedike no dey too like food. Normally, I dey wake early cook yam porridge for am.

Mama Ifedike dey remind me say, 'First son suppose chop full belly before work.' But today, na another story.

But yesterday I too tired, I forget.

Na so e be. Sometimes, body go fail person. I dey pray make e no use am against me.

As I notice his eye dey on me, I just talk calm,

I swallow spit, voice low, try act normal. 'E no good make house cold in the morning.'

"You go fit reach work? Make I go now."

I dey find excuse to waka comot, no wan make the awkward silence continue.

He just hiss, drop spoon, waka out.

He no talk anything, just hiss like snake. Even Mama Ifedike frown, but she no talk.

"No worry Madam."

He talk am for corridor, voice sharp. I just dey swallow the insult.

Temi and Mama Ifedike dey look me. I sigh, carry some steamed moin-moin, rush go meet am.

I package the moin-moin inside nylon, jog small, call am for gate. My heart dey beg say make e collect am without wahala.

"Oga, abeg take these chop for road."

My hand dey shake, but I force smile. 'No let quarrel spoil this morning.'

Ifedike stop, no look me, collect am, waka go.

He grab the moin-moin, no say thank you, just dey waka. I dey watch am go, my heart dey heavy.

As I dey watch him go, I come back sit, dey drink porridge, my mind dey wander, spoon dey knock bowl.

Spoon dey hit bowl like drum, porridge dey cool. I dey think, 'How we go continue like this?'

Mama Ifedike sigh, dey play with Temi.

She dey use spoon feed Temi, dey blow small air for mouth. Old women sabi care for pikin, even when wahala dey ground.

She just ask like play.

Her voice dey soft, like person wey dey play ludo. 'Make I try lighten Morayo mind.'

"Temi, who you like pass, papa or mama?"

She dey expect Temi to laugh, to break tension.

I shock, hear Temi answer loud,

Temi voice loud, clear, no fear. My own chest warm small. Na pikin dey always talk truth.

"I like both! I no fit do without anyone."

She swing head, smile show teeth. Mama Ifedike nod, my eye catch her own small tears.

Mama Ifedike smile, look me with meaning.

Her smile na code. She dey talk, 'No let pikin suffer.' I nod back small.

"Na true. Temi talk am well. Family must dey together."

She dey remind me.

Her eyes dey sharp, warning me, 'No let quarrel scatter house.'

I close eyes, then smile. "Mama, abeg help carry Temi go academy today."

My voice low, but I dey beg make e help me. I need air, need to think.

"I get appointment with Madam Zainab for Peaceful Hands Centre, wan check embroidery."

I dey lie small, but I need to waka. Peaceful Hands na only place I fit rest head.

Mama Ifedike gentle. "You dey house too much, go out small. No forget to come back quick, else Temi go cry."

Her tone soft, but na advice dey inside. 'Woman no suppose bury herself for sorrow.'

I nod.

I tie scarf, carry bag. Even though my heart still dey heavy, I force myself waka outside.

As I turn left for gate enter Palm Grove Avenue, I see that old small shop.

Sun dey rise, breeze dey cool. I see that shop signboard, the one with faded paint. My leg stop, memory just rush me.

Na simple handwriting and calligraphy shop, that small shop where dem dey teach handwriting and drawing for children after school.

Window dey open, brush dey soak for cup. Na place wey time dey slow, wahala dey stay outside.

I just stand, dey remember. After all these years, e still dey.

Even the chair I dey sit years ago still dey, the scratch for side still remain. I breathe in, the air smell like ink and old paper.

Shopkeeper young, see me, surprise. "Aunty, you never come since."

He run come open door, smile wide. 'Long time, aunty!'

I hold my wrapper, small shy.

My finger dey twist the edge, I no wan show say I dey nervous. E hard to return to old joy when heart dey heavy.

"I fit still..."

My voice low. I dey beg make e allow me practise for inside.

He smile, lead me go small table.

He use rag wipe chair, pull out stool, arrange book. 'Aunty, na your place be this.'

"Aunty handwriting and painting dey top. I dey respect you. You fit come anytime."

He dey try lift my spirit. The way he dey talk am, I feel small joy inside.

Nothing change.

The walls still get the old poster, 'Be kind to yourself.' Table still dey, light dey shine soft for top.

For front, that beautiful southern river, white birds dey fly pass. Na May for Ibadan.

You go see breeze dey blow leaf, water dey flow, even if sun dey burn for town. The beauty dey heal person mind.

Tea smell dey everywhere. I just bury myself dey copy book, when tired, I draw those white birds.

Na so my hand dey steady, my mind dey cool. As I dey draw, all the wahala dey fade small small.

Nobody disturb me. My mind just dey settle small small.

For this room, na only the sound of brush dey. I dey breathe easy, my chest dey calm.

Na my small secret since I small. Anytime wahala catch me, I dey come rest here.

No friend know. Na here I dey pour my heart into ink. The shopkeeper sabi say once I sit, nobody fit drag me out quick.

I like handwriting and painting, but Ifedike no like am. He talk say I dey boring, dey sit one place too much.

He dey tease me sometimes, say, 'Na so you go dey do drawing till old age?' My own happiness dey my pen, but he no dey see am.

Mama Ifedike don tell me before say he like archery and horse riding, make I try please am.

She mean well, but she no know say na other reason dey Ifedike mind. I try, but body no gree.

So, after small think, she help me burn all my handwriting and painting for room.

She talk say, 'Make new things enter, old one go.' My own heart dey bleed, but I gree to please family.

But e no work. My hand get callus from practice, but Ifedike still dey cold, dey far from me.

I wound my hand, get blister, but all na waste. Love no dey come by force.

"Na copycat dey copy original."

Na so I hear am, na so I understand. You fit learn skill, but you no fit borrow love.

That time I understand—wetyn he like no be archery and horse riding, but the girl wey dey do am.

I see am clear. My own shine no fit match another person own for Ifedike eye. I just dey manage.

Ink dey spread for paper, I notice my hand dey shake, brush no dey stable.

Tears dey threaten to drop, but I hold myself. My heart dey bleed, but I no let shopkeeper see.

For outside, fireworks burst, silver light full window.

Na public holiday, I hear children dey shout for street. The flash dey enter, my memory dey return to reality.

I come back to myself. Night don reach. I remember Temi, I pack my things.

I check watch, time don go. I dey fear make Temi no cry for me.

Shopkeeper as usual, wan give me bag of change.

He dey count money, wan show respect. I dey wave hand, no want collect.

I rush decline, smile with pain. "My painting no sweet again. How I go collect money?"

I talk am low, but e get meaning. My spirit no dey this work again.

He insist, "Na my oga talk am. Abeg collect."

He drop bag for my hand. I just nod, no wan argue pass.

I pause, ask after long,

My heart dey beat, voice dey shake. 'You sure say oga still dey come here?'

"He come today?"

I dey hope say maybe I go see old face, but the answer dey cold.

"No, oga never come for long."

He shake head, face ground. My hope just die small.

I drop my eyes, waka go, just dey waka for street, na so I see Ifedike for official cloth.

The way he dey stand, I know say e dey think deep. My heart skip. Wetin go happen now?

Him friends dey hold am, dey laugh, "Oga na wife dey control am? Even to go drink, e dey fear."

Dem dey hail am, push am small. Ifedike just dey use eye look ground.

He no talk, just look up, see me, shock small.

Our eye jam, both of us freeze. Na quick understanding pass between us.

One person shout, "See am! Madam Ifedike don come carry am."

Dem dey laugh, but na respect dey hide for their voice.

I open mouth, wan explain.

I dey stammer, but words no come out. I just dey smile, dey hope say nobody go make gist.

Ifedike dust his cloth, small smile for mouth, waka come meet me.

He adjust tie, pull him wrist, walk come my side. My heart dey beat fast.

"Make we dey go."

Voice soft, like person wey dey beg for peace. He hand touch my back small.

Him friends just shake head, "No choice, oga na correct man, love wife pass. No be like us."

Dem dey hail am, but e just wave hand, no talk back. E dey form gentle.

One get mind, "Next time carry madam come drink now."

Dem laugh, one slap table. Ifedike shake head, hiss, but e smile small.

He just hiss, raise leg, kick the person small.

Small play, not real anger. Na way men dey show say friendship still dey.

"No dey talk nonsense."

He voice low, but all of dem laugh again. Market dey full, people dey pass.

Night market for Makurdi dey busy, crowd full everywhere.

Hawkers dey shout price, generator dey hum, agbalumo and suya sellers dey arrange tray. Na real Nigerian market evening.

Ifedike frown small, hold my hand tighter without knowing.

The grip dey tight. My hand dey sweat, but e no wan let go. My chest dey confuse, but small joy dey inside.

The heat from his hand dey make me feel somehow. I wan pull my hand, but he hold am strong.

I dey shy, dey look ground, but people dey notice us, dey smile. I feel like small girl again.

He talk softer. "No need come carry me again. I go come house when I finish."

His voice low, but e sweet my ear. I nod, but I no talk.

"I no..."

I wan protest, say na just by chance I waka pass. But he hush me with eye.

"Oga, buy bitterleaf for madam. Weather dey hot."

One seller, Mama Chinyere, quick bring basket. She sabi our family well.

One seller see our fine cloth, rush come, cut my talk.

She dey push us, say, 'Fine couple, take the freshest leaf.'

Ifedike look me, pick some.

He pick the greenest, ask if I like am. I nod. Na small moment, but e mean plenty to me.

"These ones dey okay. No need change."

He talk am like king. Sellers dey hail am, dey bless our union.

"Thank you, oga. May your house get peace and many children."

She sprinkle water for ground, old way of blessing for market. Dem believe say water for ground na sign of peace and plenty. I nod, say 'Amin.'

Tonight, his eye soft small, he ask me with better mood,

He voice warm. I see small hope. Maybe peace go last tonight.

"Anything you wan chop? We fit go house later today."

He dey offer, like person wey wan repair old wound. I smile, but na bitter sweet.

I look am, I know say na his way to say sorry.

He no dey too talk, but small gesture dey mean plenty for Ifedike. I dey see am, but my spirit still dey wound.

Sadness just rise for my chest.

I dey remember all the small fights, the peace wey dey run from us. Na real wahala dey inside my mind.

I remember Mama Ifedike, Temi, even Ifedike himself.

For this family, everybody dey try patch roof. Rain dey leak, but nobody wan talk am loud.

All of us just dey try hold this peace for surface.

Like say we dey float for river, dey balance, dey pretend say current no dey strong.

If wahala burst, the boat go capsize.

I dey fear, dey pray make thunder no strike. My heart dey beat, but I dey smile.

I force gentle smile. "I never visit my mama house since."

My voice dey low, but I dey beg make e give me chance to breathe.

"Today don late. Tomorrow, fit carry Temi follow me go?"

I dey ask, but na hope I dey carry. Maybe if I see my mama, my chest go settle.

Ifedike face show relief, he agree quick quick.

He nod fast, say, 'No wahala.' I see small light for him eye.

He happy say I give am chance to settle, make peace still dey.

Na like say he dey thank me, even though e pride no go let am say am.

We just act like say everything don settle, hold hand reach house. Mama Ifedike dey carry Temi, family look peaceful.

Neighbours dey greet us, dey say, 'God bless this home.' For that moment, I believe say e go better.

After goodnight, I enter my room.

My back dey pain, my leg dey weak. I lie down, try count my blessing, but sleep no gree come.

Inside cover, tears just dey flow, no wan stop.

I dey hold pillow, mouth cover, cry soft. E no good make pikin hear.

Believe am one more time, endure one more time, act like nothing ever happen again...

My mantra for night—just endure. Maybe tomorrow, e go better.

Continue to pretend, dey share bed but dey dream different dream—e dey make me wan shout.

I dey ask God, 'Na so e go be forever?' My heart dey heavy, voice no dey come out.

I cover my ear, cry from my chest.

Noise no dey help. Only my cry dey echo for room. I dey pray, 'Make this pain finish.'

I tell myself: e go better, e go better, na last one be this.

I promise myself say next time I no go swallow pain. But every time, I dey return, dey forgive.

No go get next time, na so I talk sleep enter.

Sleep drag me, but my mind no rest. I dey dream, dey turn for bed.

But life no dey ever go as you plan am.

E dey always bring new wahala when you think peace don enter.

The 'next time' come quick.

Trouble no dey give notice. Na so e land like thunder for dry season.

As we stand for my papa house, my old papa and mama smile greet us. Ifedike hold my hand for one, Temi for the other.

Everybody dey smile, dey sing. My papa wear agbada, mama tie best gele. Temi dey dance, Ifedike dey nod.

Plenty gift keke dey; he give me full respect.

Sister bring yam, brother bring goat. People dey hail, dey pour powder for head. My heart dey sweet small.

Na then, from far, one girl wey dust full body, wear red, shout,

Her voice pierce the air. My ear prick, I know the sound.

"Ngozi!"

Everybody turn. Even Temi stop dance. My chest freeze. I dey pray say make e no be who I dey fear.

The calm for Ifedike face just freeze, the hand wey dey hold me begin shake.

E grip my hand, then release. Sweat dey his forehead, face pale. My heart dey beat drum.

For this world, na only one person dey call am that name.

That name dey special, the way e call am, like old tori.

My heart cold. With all the people for gate, e be like that painful wedding six years ago.

My eye dey blur, my hand dey tremble. I dey beg God, 'Make e no be my own again.'

E dey happen again, e dey happen again.

Na real fear. My mind dey flash back. My body cold. All the old wound dey open.

"Abeg, no..."

I wan beg, but words no come out. Tears dey gather.

Before I fit finish, Ifedike just free my hand run go meet that girl.

He no look back. Crowd dey shout. My own heart break again. E dey happen, Morayo. E dey happen.

I close my eyes, heart dey pound—wetin go happen next?