Chapter 3: Shame and Confession

Reason?

The typing start again, but this time e dey impatient.

The way her finger dey hit keyboard, e dey make kpom-kpom like rain for zinc. She no dey smile. Na so Morayo dey when she vex—face straight, hand dey move anyhow.

She look me one kind, ask, "Reason?"

Her eye narrow, voice sharp like new blade. As if she dey warn me make I no talk wetin go make her vex pass.

Too plenty. E don reach where I no even fit count again.

I fit mention say I tire for her wahala, or say my heart no dey house again. But words dey choke me. My mouth dey dry.

I don taya.

As I talk am, my shoulder drop, my body weak. All the fight for inside me just disappear, like breeze wey blow candle out.

So I just pick any excuse wey enter my mouth.

I talk say e get as things be, but e no reach the true pain wey I dey feel. For my mind, na only excuse fit save me from shame.

Morayo don already lose patience.

She close her laptop, finally gree look me for face.

She close am with heavy hand, laptop clap together. Her eye meet my own, steady. Na this time I know say fight don start.

"Which kind game you dey play now?"

Her tone dey cut throat. Na so she dey talk when she wan make person feel small. For my mind, I dey prepare for insult.

"I get plenty work. Abeg, stop to dey disturb me up and down. You no dey tire? This thing dey vex person, you know."

Her eye sharp, like say she dey see through my mind. She talk am like person wey dey warn madman for bus stop.

She don talk this kind thing to me plenty times.

Anytime I hear am, e dey pain me for chest, but today, I just dey calm.

I smile tell her, "Since e dey vex you, abeg, make we just divorce."

I try smile, but my lips no gree move. Na so I talk am—simple, like person dey order eba for buka.

"Me sef don tire. I no want dey beg you or dey chase you up and down again."

My voice low, no energy. I dey talk my own, she dey talk her own.

Morayo shock, her face change small.

She blink, open mouth, like say she no believe wetin she just hear. Na small time she gather herself, look away.

"I no really mean say you dey vex me just now. I just… Forget am, I go watch my mouth next time."

She try soften her voice, but e still dey shake. Her hand dey fidget for the table. I see small vein for her neck.

[Chai, this babe get good mind. After all the emotional wahala this supporting guy dey give her, she still dey try calm am.]

[Supporting guy na real wahala—dey form victim on top all the advantage wey e don take.]

[That time, the main guy and babe like each other, but her papa spoil everything, so she gats swallow her pride go live for supporting guy house. Main guy come jealous, begin date another person, wahala just dey pile up. Before you know, supporting guy follow her change school. After dem separate her from main guy, she no get choice than to dey with supporting guy. Who know say this one sef no get sense—after e play with her finish, e wan dump her. Rubbish.]

I be rubbish.

The word heavy for my head. I feel like person wey chop shame, still dey lick plate. Na so some people for life go see you, judge you from far.

Heh, see the kind heavy cross wey I dey carry…

E reach say I go run go church, make pastor pray for me. But my pride no gree.

For our wedding night, she no gree make we do. I just agree, no talk anything.

I remember the way she just turn face, say she dey tired, her body no dey for am. I respect her, no force. I sleep, but heart dey pain me small. I tell myself say maybe na stress.

For our anniversary, she say emergency dey, stand me up, but I see her for Shoprite dey buy men's shirts. I no even get gift—just think say she forget.

I waka near her, she dodge me, say she dey rush. I see the shirt, but I just pretend say I no see. Na so I dey deceive myself.

Even for her birthday, person send her flowers with card wey write [To our undying love]. She talk say na friend dey play, I just believe.

The card sweet well, smell like foreign perfume. I wan ask questions, but I close mouth. E better make I no know.

I really wan know—how I go do before people for outside go stop to see me as rubbish?

I dey pray, I dey try, but e be like say my own never do reach. People for street go look you, shake head. Dem no go know the wahala inside house.