Chapter 5: Under Blanket, Under Pressure
I roll for bed, open app, search how to do abortion, book appointment for near hospital.
Mind dey scatter, hand dey shake. For this Lagos, if you no arrange yourself, people go arrange you. I dey browse hospital, dey check review, dey fear make gist no leak.
Just as I finish, Tobi finish baff.
E come out, fresh, towel for neck. I sharply close app, form like say I dey play game.
I close app, open my game, wan look am but fear catch me.
E sharp, fit notice small thing. I dey try bone face.
My mind just dey scatter.
Thoughts full my head. My chest dey heavy, I dey count ceiling.
As my game character die again, Tobi hug me from back.
E like this style. From back, e go wrap hand, hold me. Sometimes, e dey tickle me small.
He kiss my neck, my body just dey shake.
E dey try distract me. The thing sweet, but my mind no dey. I just dey manage.
"Baby, you don look me twelve times now."
I shock. I no know say I dey stare am like that. Fear dey make person act somehow.
Na true?
If na joke, e dey sweet. But this one, na real. My eye dey follow am up and down.
I wrap hand for him neck. "I just dey look. No be only look, I wan kiss you too."
I wan use kiss cover my wahala. For Naija, sometimes, if problem big, na love you go use hold body.
I kiss am.
Na so our kiss start. Small, small, e begin hot. E like when I start. But e dey always want control.
Tobi sweet for kiss.
If dem dey share award, e go collect best kisser for Surulere.
Him lips soft, small cold.
For harmattan, e dey extra soft. My body dey melt.
The more we kiss, the hotter e dey.
Na so e dey be. The more, the more. My mind wan rest, but my body dey fly.
He like when I start, then e go take over.
Na so e be. I go lead, e go finish. Our style dey different.
He dey kiss like say e wan swallow me.
I dey laugh for mind. E be like say na food I be.
I look am, dey touch him eyebrow, him eye.
I dey study face. Fine boy, no pimples. Sometimes, I dey jealous.
Hmm, this guy fine no be here. Body set.
Muscle dey, chest dey, e no too fat, no too thin. Na correct package.
If two of us born pikin, the pikin go too fine.
I dey imagine. E go get my smile, him height. People go dey ask, "Na which clinic una go?"
I lean for him chest, dey breathe hard. "How you see children wey dem born for outside?"
I dey try code my question. E dey look me, face change.
He frown, face squeeze. "I no like am at all."
E sharp. E no like anything wey go shake him family tree.
Omo.
I swallow spit. My mind dey do calculation. How I go take survive this matter?
Better make I no reason this belle matter.
As e be, e mean say I go run this show solo. E no fit understand.
I sef na pikin wey dem born for outside.
Story get as e be. Mama born me, papa no marry am. I sabi the struggle.
My own pikin go be pikin of pikin wey dem born for outside.
Wetin I wan talk? E go be double wahala. Society go talk, people go point finger.
E go hate am die.
E no dey hide mouth. E talk am straight.
I ask, "If you get pikin for outside nko?"
I try push am, see if e go reason my side.
He talk, "E no fit happen."
E dey always sure. For him mind, mistake no fit touch am.
I push, "But if e happen nko?"
I dey try see if him heart soft reach. No way.
He grab my hand, pin am for bed.
E dey act film. Hold my hand, pin am, eye dey red.
"Abeg, make you run am sharp sharp."
E say am like order. No time for debate.
I ask, "How you go take clear am?"
I dey wait for story.
"Make mama and pikin vanish together."
E cold. The way e talk am, no be joke.
Before I fit reason, he tear my pyjamas. I try hold am small, but e strong pass me.
I shock. E be like film. I dey try reason wetin dey happen.
Voice deep: "Baby, I no like all these your 'if' talk."
Tobi no like story. For him, life na straight road.
Tobi pinch my chin, kiss me, bite my lips, my head dey turn.
My mind dey fly. E dey do me like say I dey float.
"If you no stop all these your stories, I go finish you."
I dey laugh small. Na him way of playing, but today e dey scare me.
Me:
This guy dey craze? Always dey talk say he go finish me.
Sometimes e dey sound like joke, but today, I dey wonder if na true.
My brain blank. Something no clear.
I just dey look, dey think. My mind dey race.
"Wait, wait..."
I try pause am. Something dey bite me for mind.
Where him hand dey go so...
E dey go wrong place. I dey try form strong, but my head dey hot.
I remember—person wey carry belle no suppose dey do this thing.
My mama don talk am before—if you get belle, you go rest body. No story.
I look am, beg: "I no too dey okay today. Make we try another thing."
I dey beg. My eye dey red. I no fit shout.
The carpet for bedroom soft well.
At least, for all the wahala, carpet dey help body. I dey kneel, dey pray make Tobi understand.
I waka commot bed, kneel for ground, look up.
I dey use eye talk—make e reason me small.
But Tobi carry me up, frown, touch my forehead. "Where e dey pain you?"
E dey care, even if e dey vex. E touch my head, dey check temperature.
He check date, pull me for chest.
E dey count date for mind. "No be say your period suppose land today?"
"Your period never show this month. Your belle dey pain you?" He wrap me for blanket. "Make I bring medicine."
I stop am.
"No, no, no be pain."
E look me, face soft. E dey wait for explanation, but I no fit talk.
He look me long, see say I no dey suffer, then drop the medicine matter.
For Tobi, if you no dey bleed, e no go stress you. E go just dey observe.
Him hand warm, dey rub my belle.
E dey try make me relax. Even though wahala dey my mind, the touch dey help small.
Even though I no get pain, e sweet me.
Na so life be. Sometimes, small touch dey do pass medicine.
Sleep dey catch me. I ask, "You no want make I help you?"
Even for wahala, I dey still reason am. I no like make e vex.
He bite my ear, small hard.
Na him small play. "Go sleep. If you no dey okay, just rest."
"If you no dey okay, just sleep. No dey do pass yourself."
For Tobi, health dey important. Na the only time e dey soft.
Me: ...
In my mind, I dey talk. I no dey do pass myself o. Make e know say I get limit. Life no hard reach like that.
I no dey do pass myself o.
Na true, abeg. No talk nonsense.
No talk nonsense.