Chapter 3: Broken Spirit

Tunde words, each one, dey cut me like slow knife. Every sentence wey Tunde talk dey enter my chest, dey scatter my spirit. Na slow death, the pain no quick go. I dey remember each word, e dey ring for my ear.

He scatter my pride finish. All the respect, all the good name I get—e just tear am anyhow. I no fit even look my own reflection for mirror.

I look ceiling, mind dey wander—if no be God, I for don lose myself finish. For one mad moment, I look up, dey imagine say I fit just tie scarf for neck, make all the wahala finish. But the fear of God and the thought of my Mama for afterlife no gree me.

But I no get mind to face my mama for afterlife. If I reach Mama for heaven with this kind shame, she no go forgive me. My spirit weak, so I just dey alive, dey soak the pain.

I curl up inside wardrobe, cry tire. I carry myself enter wardrobe, lock the door. Darkness surround me, only my sobs dey echo. My tears soak cloth, but I no fit stop.

I no understand. Why Tunde go do me like this? We two start from small, run around compound, share food, laugh under mango tree. How e take reach like this?

Me and Tunde na childhood friends. We don know ourselves since small. From when we dey run naked as pikin, we dey play suwe and ten-ten. Everybody for street know say Amarachi and Tunde na one.

When dem arrange our engagement, he dey there, he no talk no. Na elders call both families, set date. Tunde wear white lace, dey smile. He no object, no even frown face. If e no want, why e no talk then?

He even tell me, "Amara, finally, I fit marry you." I remember am clearly. That evening, breeze dey blow, moon bright. He look me for eye, say, "Amara, this na God’s will. I go always stand by you."

How he go dey plan to push me inside wahala, still dey act gentle? E get as e be. Na person wey get heart fit dey do this kind thing. He dey plan, dey pretend love, but for back, na my downfall e dey chase.

He talk say he love me, but every time na another plan. For Tunde mouth, na love. But for action, na something else. Na so I dey catch myself dey believe empty promise. Each time, e dey plan another thing.

I cry till my tears finish, nothing remain. No more water for my eyes. E dry like harmattan leaf. Head dey pain me, spirit weak.

Papa come once. I hear him knock, but I no answer. He stand for door, talk low. "Amarachi, come out."

He make me kneel as punishment. No question, no shout. Papa just order, "Kneel for altar, beg Mama." Na the way dem take raise us. Shame dey my bone.

I no ask question, I just kneel down before Mama's picture at the family altar. I kneel, head bowed, eyes closed. The altar small, but na there my spirit dey rest. I dey pray make Mama forgive me, make God heal my wound. Mama, biko, chebe’m. (Please, protect me.)

As I wan faint from kneeling, I hear some kind sound outside. Leg dey pain me, body dey weak. Then, I hear voice for veranda. I peep small, see two shadow for moonlight.

Woman voice, soft-soft. Chiamaka dey whisper, her voice low, like breeze dey blow.

Man voice, dey find love. Na Tunde voice. Him dey talk as if he dey sing for her ear. My heart dey break again.

The voice pain me well, I know am. I no need look face, I sabi my own sister and the man I love. The pain dey sharp, like needle.

The compound quiet—good for secret meeting. Palm oil lamp dey flicker for corridor, crickets dey shout, but my own heart quiet. Nobody dey, even dogs don sleep. Night breeze dey blow. Na perfect time for lovers to hide.

I see Tunde hold Chiamaka for hand, like say he wan join body with her. Dem two stand for corner, hands locked, body close. Tunde dey smile, Chiamaka dey blush. If you see them, you go think say na movie.

He kiss her deep, no wan stop. The kiss long, body dey touch body. Tunde hand dey her waist. Chiamaka just dey giggle like pikin wey dem give sweet.

Chiamaka dey breathe soft, wan untie his belt, but he stop her. She dey bold, fingers dey his waist. But Tunde hold her hand, shake head. "No rush," he whisper.

"Chiamaka, I no fit touch you anyhow. Make we wait till our wedding night." His voice gentle, almost holy. As if he dey protect her for real. Na so my own no get value reach.

I just dey look. My eye wide, but body no fit move. E dey pain me pass slap. The person wey I give my all dey cherish another woman for same house.

So, he fit gentle for the one he love. E get strength to control himself for Chiamaka, but for me, na rush. My mind dey tumble.

He dey fear make her name no spoil. He dey do all to protect her pride. My own, he scatter for street. E dey clear who he respect.

I think say my tears don finish, but as I dey look, water still dey drop from my eye. Tears start again, silent, warm. My chest dey ache, but I no fit stop. I bite my finger make I no shout.

I close my eyes, look Mama's picture. I look altar, beg Mama make she help me. If to say she dey alive, she for fight for me.

"Mama, your pikin too mumu, I don disgrace you." I whisper for inside heart, "Mama, na me fail you. I no wise, I no strong."

"I no go love Tunde again, never." I wipe tears, swear for myself. "From today, Tunde no get space for my heart again. I go close door."