Chapter 1: Groundnut Wahala for First Class

You remember when that senator’s daughter block road because of small thing? E shock you? Wait till you hear this Korea gist.

All these big-big people for Korea, pride dey worry dem like say na their birthright. Wahala dey follow dem like shadow.

For this life, sometimes na only God fit separate money from pride. When you see how some people dey behave because dem papa get name, you go just tire. For Naija, we dey see politicians’ children do anyhow, but South Korea sef get their own version. All these oyinbo wey think say dem dey above law—wahala dey wait dem for corner.

Na just one small bag of groundnut cause all the gbege. Because of am, she force plane turn back, make chief flight attendant kneel down, and scatter everywhere for the whole country. That small bag of groundnut na im scatter one whole rich family, the wahala loud reach every corner for Korea.

If dem tell you say na groundnut go bring big family down, you go think say na play. Our own groundnut sellers for Mile 12 go just laugh. But for Korea, e turn to national news! Even for news stand for Ojuelegba, people dey talk the matter as if na person steal governor’s goat.

December 5, 2014. For first-class cabin inside Korean Air flight, person just craze. Cold winter dey outside, but inside plane, wahala dey boil.

E shock me when I hear say na for first class all this drama happen. You go think say first class na where people dey gentle, dey mind demself. But na lie o! Sometimes, na there real wahala dey start, because money and pride dey flow like ogogoro for village festival.

One madam wey dress fine suddenly vex scatter.

This woman no be small person at all—her lace gown fine like Aso Ebi for December wedding, gold gele tight for head. Even her perfume dey announce her presence before she even talk—the perfume choke everywhere, like when aunty spray too much at Sunday service. But pride and anger no dey respect fine cloth; when e enter body, everywhere go scatter.

She jump from her seat, use finger poke the air hostess for forehead many times, dey shout:

You suppose see as she stand up, wig nearly fall commot. The woman dey point finger like say na trial for village square. Passengers begin dey whisper, dey use eye follow her every move.

One man for corner whisper, "Abeg, who she be? Na she dey run this airline?"

"How you dey do your work?"

"You no sabi who I be?"

"You think say I no fit make you vanish from this job sharp sharp?"

Her voice loud reach back of plane, and the way she dey carry shoulder, you go think say na governor's wife. Everybody just freeze. For Naija, na this type dem go call 'madam at the top'.

The air hostess fear so tey her leg dey shake like new corper wey soldiers dey shout for parade ground.

You know that kind fear wey dey catch new corper for NYSC camp when area boys dey threaten to collect allowance? Na so the poor air hostess just dey tremble like yam for hot oil. Her hand dey shake, her voice almost vanish. Na real wahala.

She dey beg, dey kneel small, bend so tey her forehead nearly touch her toes—humility wey pass level.

The poor girl bend so tey e remain small make she use forehead touch ground. If to say na home, people go don dey shout 'pele' for am. Humility wey pass wetin mama go teach pikin for Sunday school.

But the woman no gree. She begin slap the air hostess left and right, slap dey fly like say na Mama Ifeoma from those Nollywood films dey do demo, even General Musa sef for surrender.

The slaps loud like thunder, gbosa gbosa! If na Nollywood, dem for add sound effect. The air hostess eye don dey red, her cheek swell small. Passengers dey look, but nobody fit talk—na so rich people dey use power.

As if e no do, she carry water cup, throw am straight for the air hostess fine face.

Water splash everywhere. The air hostess blink, almost cry, but she still stand gidigba. Some passengers don already dey record with phone under seat—everybody dey try hide phone, like say dem dey film police checkpoint wahala. Nobody wan miss this kind drama.

Na so we hear "gbam!", the air hostess shout, "Ah!"

Her voice shake, na real pain catch her. People wey hear am for back fit think say na electric shock.

Still, the woman never tire.

The woman face don change, like say she dey possessed. Her mouth dey twist, eyes dey red. Na real stubbornness dey there—nobody fit tell her say enough.

So what next? Make we forget am?

No be so e dey happen for this world. When person vex reach this level, only God fit separate both. Everybody dey look like say na Nollywood live, but na real life drama.

Lie lie. Her body language talk am well: this matter no go end today.

You know that kind body wey dey shake, hands dey fly for air, leg dey stamp ground like say she dey dance bata? Na so her body dey tell everybody: 'una never see anything.'

To cool her temper, she come demand something wey no make sense: the chief flight attendant must kneel down and beg her for front of everybody.

Who go believe say person fit get mind order another adult to kneel for public like child wey break mama's pot? For Nigeria, dem go call am 'see finish'—when respect don finish for ground.

The commotion shock everybody—people nearly break back from turning to look.

Some passengers even forget their drinks for hand, everybody dey twist neck like Agama lizard. Some dey whisper, 'who be this woman? Na she get airline?' Tension full everywhere.

Who this woman sef? She dey vex like person wey chop pepper without water. Wetin make her mouth big like that?

Abeg, you no go blame person wey ask. The way she dey command, na only big politician pikin or person wey chop government contract fit behave so. For Nigeria, we for don say 'She dey craze o!'

But the real wahala never even start. She still order make pilot turn the plane back to gate immediately.

Na that time everywhere scatter. People begin dey stand up, dey argue, some dey shake head like say na winch dey the plane. Pilot sef dey confused, cabin crew dey run up and down.

One woman for back shout, "Na only for Nigeria I dey see this kain drama before!"

At this point, my mouth open wide, I no fit close am.

Person like me go just dey open mouth like fish. Even the rich men for first class don dey look their ticket twice. You fit hear 'Jesu!' from back seat. E shock everybody.

Because this no be private jet o. Na normal passenger plane, already dey move, with over 350 people inside.

In Nigeria, if you try this kind thing for our local flights, dem go use you do example for news. But for this Korea, na different level—one person fit turn whole plane back like say na keke napep.

And the surprising thing? Dem really do wetin she talk.

Na so pilot just turn plane like keke wey conductor forget change. Even me, I dey wonder if na jazz the woman use. Power too much.

Chief flight attendant kneel down for her front, the plane wey dey move for runway stop, turn back go gate.

You fit imagine the shame? Adult man, in full uniform, kneel down before whole plane because madam vex. E fit pain reach bone. Some people dey curse under breath, others dey record. Na so phone camera dey fly up and down. If na Naija, dem for say "see as dem dey disgrace man for front of everybody."

By now, you fit dey ask:

For where, my brother? Even conductor for Ojota go ask the same question. Who dey give this woman this kain order?

Who this woman be? How she take get this kind power?

Some people don dey google her face, others dey guess. But for Korea, her family name loud for Korea like Dangote for Naija.

E be like say her family na the owner of Korean Air?

Omo, you talk am.

You sharp! If to say na Nollywood, dem for give her slap back, but for this one, money dey talk.

You correct.

True true, na her papa company.

Korean Air na her family get am.

No wonder she get mouth. Na so e dey be—when your papa get company, you fit carry shoulder like peacock.

And the reason why she cause all this wahala? E go shock you.

If dem tell you say na groundnut, you go argue. But for this life, small thing dey bring big wahala. Na so story dey start.

Make we rewind small.

Abeg, make we press brake, go back small. The real gist dey behind the slaps and shouting.

That time, Korean Air flight KE086 just dey start to move.

Engines dey hum, passengers don relax, some dey read, others dey snap picture. Air hostesses dey waka sharp sharp, dem uniform neat wella.

Air hostesses dey waka for aisle, dey share pre-packed groundnut and water for passengers according to seat number.

You know how e dey be—just like our Arik Air, dem dey share gala and water. For Korea, na groundnut dem dey use welcome you for first class. Dem dey follow protocol, na every passenger get e own.

Normal normal work—until one bag of groundnut land for front of passenger Chidinma Hyun-ah (for Nigeria, dem fit call am Chidinma Ifeoma).

As the air hostess drop the groundnut, Chidinma just eye am. You go know say wahala don dey cook. Her face shift, mouth twist, eyebrows gather.

Chidinma look the groundnut, her face change instantly.

Her face change, like person wey see pepper for market but no get money to buy.

From smile to frown, sharp sharp. You know that look mama dey give pikin when e break remote? Na so e be. Even people wey dey beside her notice am.

She begin shout:

Noise burst for first class, na so silence scatter. Her voice loud, carry authority, and no single atom of patience inside.

"Why you no serve my groundnut for plate?"

"Na me go open bag by myself?"

"How you dey do your work?"

You go think say dem insult her mama for market. Some people even dey pity the air hostess already. Chidinma's tone dey cut like sharp blade.

Plenty questions confuse the air hostess.

The air hostess just dey stand, mouth open like fish wey forget how to swim. She no sabi where wahala start, she just dey blink.

Luckily, Korean Air dey train their staff for this kind wahala, so the air hostess quick compose herself.

E no easy to stand for that kind pressure. But as staff, dem don see all kinds of passengers. The babe reset her mind, arrange face, and try answer with respect.

She answer with respect:

Her voice soft, no shakings. Na only God fit give person that kind patience. Even elders for village for clap for her.

"E no too hygienic to open the groundnut and serve by hand. Our manual talk say make we give am sealed. But if you want, I fit help you open and serve you."

She talk am like person wey dey try calm mad dog. No pride, no stress, just dey do her work as dem train her.

Na correct answer be that, abi?

If na Naija, people for don hail her for maturity. She no drag, she no shout, she just dey humble.

If na another person, no matter how e pain am, e for don calm down.

Even stubborn people sometimes dey respect this kind humility. But Chidinma, her own get K-leg.

But Chidinma Hyun-ah no be like other people.

Her wahala different, na real ajebo problem. For her, anything wey no reach perfect na insult.

Her vex just dey increase.

You know when person dey boil like egusi soup for fire? Na so her blood dey hot. She dey shake, dey squeeze hand, mouth dey move like person wey dey talk for dream.

Since she small, na so dem dey peel her groundnut, arrange am for plate, then serve am with style.

She dey remember the way her mama go call chef, arrange tray, put serviette, garnish plate. Even for birthday, na this same treatment she dey get. Now, she dey see sealed nylon bag? Abomination!

Now, ordinary air hostess dey give her sealed bag of groundnut? For her mind, na big insult be that.

If na Lagos, person fit shout, 'Oga, you no see say I dey first class?' For Chidinma, this na next level disrespect.

As our people dey talk, "If elder fit endure, junior no go gree!" (Meaning: if one person fit tolerate, another person no fit bear am.)

Old proverb no dey fail—if person wey suppose get sense fit calm down, you go surprise say small pikin go carry wahala for head.

Inside serious anger, Chidinma begin dey hit the air hostess, dey shout: "How you go dare..."

She no just shout—her hand dey fly. Some dey look, others dey fear. If to say na Nigeria, police for don land airport. Na so small thing turn national gbege.

But this na just the beginning—who go fit stop Chidinma before she scatter everywhere finish?