Chapter 2: Wahala Family, Wahala Blood

My own grandmother be champion for wahala, my mama na real iron lady. Those two, fight na their hobby—anytime dem jam, na quarrel go start.

Na so I grow dey use ear hear insult, dey use eye see slap. Neighbours go gather for fence, dey wait for the next gist from our compound. If dem get fight Olympics, my family for don collect gold.

With that kind training, I sabi all the tricks for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law fight since I small.

Sometimes na me be referee, na me dey fetch water when voice don high. For Naija, woman wey wan survive must sabi hide face, dey talk with sense, keep sharp mouth for pocket till e needed.

People dey fear me, even dogs dey run when dem see me.

I remember one time, street boys try do anyhow for market. I just give them my grandma side-eye—dem melt. Even small dogs for street dey shift, as if dem know say my blood dey hot.

But unfortunately, I marry enter family wey get pure heart—no wahala, no drama. All my street sense just dey waste.

Sometimes e dey pain me, like say all my childhood lesson just dey gather dust. Tunde family na proper Ajebo, dem dey do love and light, no shout, no fight. Me wey get sharp tongue, na so I dey swallow my words like hot amala.

Life soft, I come add six kg join body.

Food too dey. My mother-in-law dey cook soup like river. Every evening, na Tunde go bring me fruit for bed. "Wife, make you chop small, e good for baby." Na so flesh just dey increase.

One day I waka go chemist for Makurdi, ask how to reduce weight. Dem check my pulse, talk say I don get belle.

The nurse laugh small, say, "Madam, you dey try fight food, but na pikin dey win for your belle!"

Nurse warn me say the first three months of pregnancy dey very important.

She look me with serious eye, lower voice, "My sister, abeg, rest well. No carry heavy load. No near wahala. First three months dey fragile o!"

My in-laws begin treat me like glass—dem no wan make I hit anything or get wahala.

If I cough, na panic. If I try climb chair reach something, my mother-in-law go shout, "Morayo, abeg! Leave am for me." Even water to drink, dem dey bring come room. Sometimes I dey miss my old tough life.

When I reach three months, one old woman land for our house inside Palm Grove Estate.

The air change. Even the compound dogs no bark. My husband just dey look window as if him dey wait rapture.

Once our eyes jam, I know say this one na my type.

She enter with one kind old wrapper, face full of lines like river Benue, eyes sharp. I see am, I know—if my grandma meet this one, na World War go start.

The famous bringer of trouble don show.

My heart even do one kind—e be like competition go start for this house.

Her eye dey shine just like my grandma own when she dey look my mama—like say she dey find fight.

No be small matter. Her look fit cut garri. I respect myself, greet her with small smile, but I no gree shift.

My mother-in-law, Aunty Grace, wey dey always happy, just look pale, kneeling for ground, dey use tissue clean everywhere small small.

Aunty Grace even forget to wear her usual big earrings. She just dey kneel, dey rub floor as if na palace we dey.

My father-in-law, Mr. Auwalu, wey dey reasonable, dey shake like quail, no even fit breathe loud, just dey serve tea and water for her.

Oga Auwalu, wey sabi run meeting for church, now dey behave like JSS boy wey fail maths. Hand dey shake, tea dey almost pour.

My husband just call out, confused:

"Grandma..."

His voice shake small, e never call am like that before. The whole house dey cold.

Then he drag me enter our room.

"Wife, abeg pack your load, make we go stay somewhere for few days. You get belle, you no suppose dey vex."

Him voice dey low, but e dey beg me like say I be governor.

My phone buzz—my in-laws don send me two hundred thousand naira.

The message clear: abeg, go stay somewhere for now. When grandma go back village, you fit return.

Message come with prayer emoji, as if say money na spiritual protection.

"She dey fear like that?"

I never see grown men fear woman like this before. Even my own mama no get that kind power.

"No be just fear. That woman na nightmare."

His voice drop, he rub face like person wey just see masquerade for night.

My husband sharply remember the woman wahala.

His voice drop, like say memory dey bite am for chest.

When he be six years, she kill the rabbit wey he raise for two years, cook am, use trick make am chop the meat. As he finish, she drag am go see the bloody rabbit skin.

He still describe the scene—rabbit blood for nylon, small hand dey tremble, innocence wey just vanish that day.

He cry scatter, the woman just dey crack groundnut, dey spit shell for his face:

"Na animal. E die, e die. Wetin you dey cry for like say na person?"

Her voice carry echo, as if she dey talk from top of mountain. Groundnut shell dey fly everywhere.

"You no even get small man power. Abeg, no let people know say you be my grandson, Fatima pikin."

Her insult get levels. To say you no reach standard, she go remind you of your weak side.

"Hear me well, you this pikin: animal na animal. Whether you raise am for two years or twenty, animal no fit pass your own family."

I feel for my husband that day. For this Naija, if you too soft, dem go use you cook soup. Grandma sabi that one.

His mama try comfort am, the old woman just kick her aside.

That day, Aunty Grace try wrap him with cloth, old woman just land one leg for her side. My husband say everywhere shock—like generator wey spark.

"You this woman wey dey carry bad luck! Always dey put nonsense for my pikin head with your yeye face. Na just rabbit die—abi you wan make I, the old woman, die join?"

The whole family freeze. My husband say, "That day, na the day innocence die."

That kick make my mother-in-law lose her pregnancy.

She fall, roll for floor. Na the silent type of pain. Nobody fit talk.

Na three months girl pikin she lose. My mother-in-law cry for hospital, tears no gree stop.

For hospital ward, Aunty Grace dey hug pillow, voice don crack. Nurses dey whisper for corridor—"See as madam dey cry, God abeg o."

The old woman just siddon for house dey smoke pipe, dey talk with boldness:

She no send anybody. Even neighbours dey fear go her side. Smoke from her pipe na sign say wahala dey brew.

"Na just money-wasting pikin. E go, e go. Wetin dey pain you for?"

The heartlessness even pass cold harmattan.

Father-in-law no fit take am again, try reason with her:

He try beg her, say, "Mama, you no try." But her ear na stone.

"But na your granddaughter o!"

His voice crack, true pain inside.

She just twist mouth:

Old woman twist face, eyes hard. As if say life no mean anything.

"Which granddaughter? E never even grow, never even born, you dey call am my granddaughter?"

Her words dey bite like mosquito. For her mind, only born pikin count.

"Wetin dey special for granddaughter? Na just money-waster. That one kick wey I give, how much I help you save? Instead make you thank me, you dey find my trouble. You no get shame—you marry wife, forget your mama."

All this na to make man feel small. Like say for Nigeria, to marry na sin.

Father-in-law vex, talk say he go carry wife and pikin waka comot, no go stay with the woman again.

He say, "Enough! Make we leave this house." But his voice still dey shake.

Dem carry the matter go meet village head.

Village head na old man, dem pour palm wine for calabash, elders dey sip slow, eye dey shine for gist. Everybody wear face like say dem dey bury goat.

For old people side, na to respect elders be everything.

Dem even tell my in-law, "No talk too much. Old woman no dey wrong for eye of tradition."

Father-in-law no sabi talk well.

My papa-in-law try, but words dey fail am. Village meeting dey long, sun dey hot, wahala no dey end.

The woman get sharp mouth, twist story anyhow. At the end, na father-in-law family come be the bad people for village.

She talk so well, even elders dey nod. By the time she finish, na dem dey beg her instead. This one na proper Naija drama.

She favour her senior brother, carry father-in-law salary give am, sponsor am go school, buy house for city.

Senior brother na golden child. Everything go him way. My own father-in-law na just spare part for family.

Later, the senior brother marry him boss daughter, the woman go enjoy with them. Na that time she free father-in-law family.

She use better wrapper, go city. Enjoy with new daughter-in-law, dey show for pictures. Our own side, na just struggle and prayer.

Now, as she stand for door, she dey shout for father-in-law:

Her voice wake the compound dogs. Even neighbours dey peep fence.

"Useless pikin! Now you don make am, dey live for big house, dey drive big car, you just dey watch your elder brother family dey chop garri. You dey feel important now, abi? You dey proud?"

Na so she dey call person success insult.

"Mama, we no—"

Papa-in-law voice dey weak, but old woman no gree listen.

"Shut up, you witch! If no be you dey push am, my pikin for no forget him mama!"

She no even look Aunty Grace eye. Just dey pour fire.

"No think say because you run go city, I no go find you. I dey tell you, you fit run but you no fit hide. All these years, the money wey you owe your elder brother—I dey keep record!"

She carry one old ledger, brown with dust. Everybody just dey look.

She throw one old brown notebook.

Na the kind notebook wey dem use for primary school. As she throw am, e land for papa-in-law shoe.

Father-in-law pick am, check am:

He open page, see figures full everywhere. Even my own mathematics teacher for Makurdi for fear this woman.

"Mama, how our debt to elder brother take reach over four hundred thousand?"

He dey count line by line, still no understand.

"Which over four hundred thousand? Na four hundred seventy-eight thousand six hundred fifty-one naira, thirty-seven kobo! If your elder brother no fall sick after saving you for river, army for don pick am as officer. I even dash you discount, because you be my pikin, him real brother."

She dey shout, spit dey fly. For her, every kobo get receipt.

"Useless pikin! Instead make you pay back your brother, you dey hide with this bad luck woman!"

She turn her back, hiss loud.

"No call me mama. I no get this kain shameless pikin."

The insult plenty, like market woman for Owerri roundabout.

"No be elder brother save Jianmin, na Jianmin save elder brother!"

Father-in-law try talk, but her mouth sharp like razor. She twist the story.

Mother-in-law no fit hold am, try defend husband, but the woman just slap am loud.

That slap echo. Even Chuchu bark from cage. My heart do gbim.

"You bad luck woman! I dey talk to my pikin—who give you mouth? I talk say na elder brother save am, na so e be!"

No room for debate. Everybody just freeze, dey look ground.

"Enough. I come for serious matter. My first grandson wan marry soon. Arrange this house, give am as wedding gift."

She talk am like say na biscuit. House wey my in-laws suffer build, she wan just dash am.

"No way! This house na for Morayo and Tunde."

Papa-in-law voice finally strong. First time I hear am talk like that.

Mother-in-law hold her cheek, refuse.

Aunty Grace no gree. Even as tears dey her eye, she stand.

"You this stubborn woman! Who give you right to talk?"

The old woman spit, use finger point her face. My body dey hot.

As dem dey argue, I waka go dog cage, release Chuchu.

I just quietly waka go backyard. Chuchu dey jump, tail dey wag. I unlock cage, whisper, "Oya, show yourself."

Chuchu na Malinois—very sharp, anywhere you point, na there e go. E too get energy, always dey disturb me.

Sharp like army dog. Na only me fit hold am.

Since I get belle, my in-laws dey lock am for cage, fear say e fit knock me by mistake.

Dem dey protect me. But today, Chuchu need show why e get name.

"Chuchu, go!"

I no shout. Just wave hand. Chuchu know say action time reach.

As I talk, Chuchu rush go meet my in-laws like thunder.

E dash out, paws dey hit tile like hailstone. Everybody shock.

See Malinois, the old woman jump climb sofa, her thin leg dey shake.

Her wrapper shift, leg dey show. She dey grab chair, dey shake like leaf for rainy season.

"You... you no near me! I no dey fear you!"

"No—no bite me!"

"Una dey mad? Make una stop am!"

"Help... help!"

Her voice dey rise, but nobody fit help her. All man dey look.

My in-laws freeze.

Dem just stand like stone, eyes wide.

I gently help my mother-in-law stand:

I hold her shoulder, whisper, "Mama, e go dey alright."

"Mama, your face don swell. Tunde, abeg go chemist buy medicine for Mama."

Tunde don dey reach door before I finish. Him dey shake.

Once Chuchu hear my voice, e come back, dey rub body for me.

Like pikin, e dey wag tail, dey look my face for praise.

"Good dog."

I rub Chuchu head as reward.

I even whisper, "Omo nla, you too get sense."

The old woman recover, point my nose, dey curse:

She hiss loud, "You this small witch!" Her finger dey tremble, but her voice loud.

"You this small witch, dey use wolf-dog bully old person, abi? Kill this dog for me! Kneel down beg, or I go make my grandson divorce you! Make we see wetin this second-hand woman fit do!"

Her words sting, but I no gree show am say e pain me.

"Mama, Morayo and Tunde love dey strong. Dem no go divorce."

Aunty Grace voice soft, but e get small fear inside. She look me, I wink give am.

Mother-in-law try defend me, the woman just shoot her eye.

Her eye sharp, like say she go slap again.

I tap Chuchu for back.

"Awoo awoo awoo!"

Chuchu bark, sound loud, make spoon for table shake.

This time, Chuchu no just bark, e rush the woman.

Chuchu dey do like bodyguard. She jump again, this time land for rug. Her wrapper scatter. Na real drama.

I no even stop am.

My face hard, I cross hand, dey watch. Sometimes to get peace, you go gree for war.

The woman roll her eyes, faint.

Her faint na real movie. She just fall, eyes roll. My in-laws panic.

My mother-in-law dey fan her with wrapper, papa-in-law dey sprinkle water—everybody dey run helter-skelter.

After she faint, my mother-in-law send me tens of thousands more naira.

Aunty Grace sneak come my room, drop envelope. "Morayo, abeg, ejo, just manage. You be star for this family."

"Morayo, abeg hide with Tunde. You help us with Chuchu—we no go forget this thing. But the old woman no dey easy. When she wake, who know wetin she go do next."

She hold my hand tight, tears for her eye. "You get heart. God go bless you."

"True talk, Morayo, you get belle. Nurse say make you no dey vex. If sky wan fall, your papa and mama go hold am. Just take this one as honeymoon with Tunde."

Papa-in-law join, voice low. "You be our daughter now. No let anybody break you."

"Mama, Papa, abeg. The old woman get wahala, but me sef no dey carry last. As for the pikin, no fear. If e no fit handle small storm, e no deserve to be my pikin."

I laugh, rub belle. "Na true warrior dey come."

That night after chop, the woman wake up.

She just open eye, sit up as if nothing happen. No be small drama.

For dining table, she dey find fault for everything.

She dey pick food, dey complain. Even cutlery no escape insult.

"This meat strong like stone—una wan break my teeth?"

"You know say I no dey chop seafood, still cook smoked fish."

"Now wey life better, una wan dey waste food? Four people, eight dishes."

Her complaints dey run like generator wey no wan stop. Spoon dey knock plate.

She try carry the beef and smoked fish wey dey my front go fridge.

She no even ask, just dey shift my food.

"Drop am."

"I say drop am—no dey hear word?"

"You no dey hear soft talk, abi? Chuchu, go!"

I raise hand, Chuchu stand. Her hand stop mid-air. Everybody freeze.

As Chuchu bark, the woman drop her spoon, vex.

Her face swell, mouth twist. She hiss, "Madness!"

I look her:

My eye steady, no blink.

"If you say meat strong, drink pap. You know why elders dey live long?"

My husband just add:

Him dey try help, but e dey hide smile.

"Because dem like millet pap. Millet pap dey good for body."

Na him own way to run from fight.

"No be so. Na because dem wise—dem sabi who no to mess with."

I face the woman:

"Grandma, you be wise person, abi?"

She just glare me, no talk.

"Chuchu~"

I call Chuchu like pikin. The dog dey wag tail, dey wait order.

"Okay, okay, okay."

She raise hand, surrender.

"Awoo awoo awoo!"

Chuchu bark again, old woman grip chair.

"You dey craze? I don gree, you still wan use dog bite me!"

She dey sweat, even though fan dey full blast.

"Shift leg—na Chuchu toy you dey match."

She jump, see small rubber bone for floor. Her face twist. I just dey laugh for mind.

With Chuchu around, the woman no fit try anything for night.

Everybody sleep well. Old woman just dey turn for mattress, dey whisper incantation. Chuchu dey outside her door like area boy.

That night, as we dey bed, my husband hug my waist, tears soak my shoulder like small pikin:

He hold me tight, voice dey tremble. "Wife, na you be my hero." I rub him back, him body dey shake.

"Morayo, why you no come since?"

"Wuwuwu, if to say I meet you early."

"Yingyingying, wife, I love you."

Him dey sniff like baby. I pat his head, whisper, "Na God bring me come. Sleep, my king."

That night, we sleep well.

For the first time in days, I no dream wahala. Only peace.