Chapter 2: Hostel Banter and Small Enjoyment

Ever since I left for university, Grandma became addicted to Facebook and WhatsApp.

She dey do like all those Gen Z for group chat, dey send memes, dey reply status sharp sharp. Sometimes, she go even quote Bible join am, dey pray for me make village people no see my back. My cousins dey always talk say I spoil her with too much ginger, but na lie. Grandma dey like pepper soup, she no dey run from wahala!

To keep her at ease at home, I usually share my daily life with her online.

I dey send her my food, my shoes, even my course handouts. If I dey vex, na she dey first hear am. Sometimes, I go send her my timetable, and she go dey remind me when exam dey near. Her own na to dey remind me make I no go carry last.

Today, I ate one mad delicious meat pie and sent Grandma a photo.

"This meat pie too dey smell nice!"

I snap am with correct angle, make the oil for the wrapper dey show. I go even add small filter so the thing go look like Jollof Rice for Instagram. I send the picture quick, dey expect Grandma to yarn one of her funny lines.

She replied almost immediately: "Ifedike."

I didn’t waste time, I teased her: "Just two days I no message you, you don dey form for me, dey call me full name."

The way she call my name dey always make me laugh. If she call my full name, just know say matter dey ground. I no gree, so I throw back my own ginger.

"Call me good child."

I no gree for her. She go say good child, but I want make she add that ‘pikin’ wey dey sweet my belle. Make e be like when I still dey run for her backyard naked dey play.

"No o, call me good pikin."

She went silent for three minutes. "You sure you want this?"

"With the way we be, you still dey ask?"

I dey smile as I dey type am, because I sabi say na her style be that—she go first do as if she no go gree, then last last she go give in.

Another three minutes pass. "Okay... my good pikin..."

I replied with that puppy sticker—same one Grandma always sends, because she say e resemble me.

She always says it’s cute.

I even remember the first time she send am—she talk say the way my eyes dey when I dey beg her for meat for stew, na the same way that puppy dey look. Since then, na the sticker be our code.

"Na so e suppose be."

My roommate shouted from under my bunk, "Ifedike, abeg come down make you see my new sweatshirt!"

The way he shout my name, na so I know say wahala dey. This hostel wahala no dey ever finish.

I lifted my bed curtain and saw my roommate, Auwalu, posing in front of the mirror, wearing a black lettered sweatshirt.

Auwalu dey always get new drip. He be Kano boy, sharp mouth, dey always package. The sweatshirt be like say he wan go club.

"Na this cafeteria food cause am—the food too sweet. This cloth na L before, now e tight."

I burst laugh. True talk, the way our cafeteria dey feed person, you go chop forget your name. Even my neck dey grow small small.

"Ifedike, try am na. If e fit you, I no go return am."

I jumped down from the bed. "I dey come, Auwalu."

"If e fit me, you go give me?"

Auwalu eyed me. "You dey dream, abeg. You go pay."

I wore the sweatshirt. E fit me well well.

As I wear am, e be like say I turn influencer. My body con fine pass as e be before.

The colour, the size—like say dem sew am for me.

I raised eyebrow for Auwalu.

He just raise two fingers. "Ten thousand naira."

Omo, my guy sharp! Na business man. He no wan lose.

I check my WhatsApp balance—still get forty thousand, but month never finish.

As I dey calculate for head, I dey remember say last time wey I borrow money from Grandma, she talk say make I no dey do like Lagos boys wey dey chop loan money.

So, I snap mirror selfie with the sweatshirt and shorts and send am to Grandma.

I pose well, twist leg small like all those Abuja big boys. Make she see say her pikin dey enjoy life.

After all, Grandma dey collect pension every month, over five hundred thousand, and she no dey finish am. I dey help her reduce the load small small.

I even dey reason say if no be me, her bank go dey tire to dey call her for dormant account.

I sent Grandma voice note: "How you see my new sweatshirt? E fine?"

I do the voice note with small baby voice—make she pity me join.

Grandma reply sharp sharp: "E fine, e fit you well."

I send another voice note, dey form pity: "But this month, my pocket money no reach o... You fit run me 10k first?"

I add small sniffle inside the voice, like say I dey cry. My eyes sef dey shine, hope dey my heart say she go answer.