Chapter 1: Confessions and Cruelty

During the days when I secretly liked the school heartthrob, Jason Miller, I desperately tried to lose weight.

Back then, every hallway mirror felt like an accusation. The smell of lemon-scented floor wax and cafeteria tater tots hung in the air, and every lunch period was a silent battle in my head. I’d sneak glances at Jason during math class, my heart racing whenever he so much as glanced my way. The cafeteria pizza never tasted as good as the possibility that he might notice me.

That day in gym class, I nearly fainted from hunger.

The world started spinning when I tried to run the mile. My stomach growled louder than my footsteps, and by the time I made it to the bleachers, black dots crowded my vision. For a second, I thought I’d pass out in front of everyone, and the panic nearly did me in.

Jason grabbed my hand, refusing to let go, and led me to the cafeteria.

His grip was tight, fingers digging in like he was mad at the world—or maybe just scared for me. He walked fast, practically dragging me past a group of cheerleaders who stared. The cool air from the cafeteria’s AC hit my sweaty face, and I tried to pretend I belonged there.

Trying to keep his anger in check, he said, "Can you stop with these damn diets? From now on, if anyone dares to mock your body, I'll handle them myself, okay?"

His voice was low, careful, but there was an edge that made me swallow hard. I was so embarrassed, but part of me—some tiny, desperate part—felt a flicker of hope.

But that same day, I confessed my feelings to Jason.

The words tumbled out, clumsy and hot. The cafeteria’s clatter faded; I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. The world shrank to just the two of us and the space between my trembling hands.

He looked me up and down for a long moment, a half-smile on his lips, then asked, "Hey, chubby, don't you think you're gross?"

My throat closed up. I couldn’t tell if I was about to cry or throw up. I wanted to vanish. His smile was sharp—almost cruel. I tried to hold his gaze, but my face burned, and the cafeteria lights suddenly felt much too bright.