Chapter 4: Kitchen Bed and Lagos Survival

"That room na the main one, one young lady dey there—she good people."

I nod.

My neck don dey tire, but I still dey try remember who dey where. My mind dey record everything like CCTV.

"Next na second room. Two girls dey there, na besties."

I nod.

I dey imagine the type: maybe Igbo and Hausa, maybe Yoruba and Edo, but na only bestie matter I dey hear.

"Opposite the second room get another room, one babe just finish school like you dey there."

I nod.

So I get hope say maybe I fit relate to person wey dey same level with me, but my mind still dey road.

"The parlour, landlord don divide am into three. The one wey near door, one aunty dey there—she dey busy for work."

I nod.

As e dey talk, my leg dey pain me. My eyes dey red, but I still dey try dey smile.

"The middle one, na another aunty, she nice."

I nod.

I dey pray say make dem all dey nice, make person no come be witch for house.

"The last one inside, na the girl wey just open door, Temi. She dey shy, no too dey talk."

My neck don tire from nodding.

I dey wonder if my head go fall from my neck. All these nodding, na who send me?

"Guy, I no come here come find wife. Just show me my room."

"That one."

I look where he point, frown.

My eyebrow go up, like say he dey joke. For my mind, I dey say, "Oga, abeg!"

"No be bathroom be that?"

"Yes."

"You wan make I sleep for bathroom?"

"No na, I dey just show you how the house be."

My patience dey thin, but I just dey look am. E be like say he dey use me play.

"Guy, I fit see am myself. Just tell me my room."

He no answer. Instead, he bend come near me, mouth red from chewing kolanut.

For Naija, if man dey chew kolanut, e mean say story go long. I dey brace myself for tory.

"Guy, you see am?"

"See wetin? I see 8x scope or I get level 3 bag?"

My mind dey yarn, this one get sense of humor. But me I just dey eye am.

"All your housemates na babes—and all of them fine."

"And so?"

"Na big advantage be that!"

At first, I no understand why he dey talk like that—until I see my bed. Then I know why e dey talk plenty.

I dey suspect say e get wahala for this house, but as I see my sleeping space, I nearly drop my bag run.

"So na here I go dey sleep?"

My space na about 1.5 meters wide, 1.8 meters long. Just rectangle.

Na real pigeon hole. If I stretch leg pass, na kitchen cabinet go block am. Mosquito fit organize family meeting for that small space. Heat from cooker dey roast my back, and smell of last night’s egusi still dey hang for air.

If I really sleep here, anytime I open eye, na the cooker hood go dey smile me, with oil dey drop. Pots and pans go dey waka about, and sometimes bowl fit jump fall break instead of stay whole.

Sometimes, rat go dey parade for night, as if na their own. The kitchen small but e get big wahala. E be like say I go dey dream of egusi soup wey I no go fit chop.

"No be kitchen be this?"

"Eh, na kitchen, but dem no too dey cook. So e no go bad to live here."

The man dey yarn me like say na normal thing. I dey look am with side eye. For my mind, I dey reason: if dem no cook, na magic dem dey chop?

"This bed—no be just wood wey dem put on top beer crate?"

"No, na blocks."

I bend down check, na true. Block and plank. Old mattress wey don see life. E be like say if I sleep here, I go dream better dream.

"Abeg, I no fit."

I turn dey go, but agent block me quick.

He just spread hand like police for checkpoint. "O boy, calm down, hear me small!"

"Guy, reason am—house full of fine babes!"

For Naija, person fit use woman package persuade you for anything. Me I just dey vex.

"Abeg, shift."

"I go remove 3,000 for the rent."

I no go lie, my body move small.

Na so my sense come back. When I hear cheap rent, my pride begin reduce.

"9,000 every month? Still no sweet me."

"Then 9,500."

"Oga, carry your wahala go."

The man just dey add, dey subtract. E be like say he dey price pepper for market.

"Guy, guy, 8,500, e don do? Ask around, where you go see house for 8,500 per month, water, light, bathroom join? You no go see am."

As he talk this last one, my mind dey do calculation. I just carry my bag enter the small space, bring out bedsheet, shake am, cover the glass door.

I resign. For Lagos, sometimes na to bear am. At least, I get roof.

My mind just dey somehow—no fit talk am.

E be like say I dey dream. I just dey look around, dey imagine wetin my mates go talk if dem see me. But man must survive.

I bring out cigarette, light am. Watch as the smoke climb ceiling disappear, homesickness just catch me.

As the smoke dey go, I dey remember village, where night breeze dey blow, no generator noise. Here, na only me and the cooker dey form company.

Knock knock—person dey tap glass.

I open curtain. Na Temi. Our eye jam, she blush quick. "Erm... you dey smoke..."

Her voice soft, but e get that small fear, like say she never see person smoke for kitchen before. I just reason say make I no cause wahala.

"Oh, I no fit smoke here? Sorry, no vex."

I wan off am, but she stop me, point cooker hood.

I gree sharp sharp, on the hood. The smoke just waka enter vent, the noise loud like old man dey cough.

E shock me how the thing loud, but Temi just manage smile small, like say she dey pity me.

When I finish, I clean up, check parlour and bathroom—everywhere neat.

All the girls sabi maintain place. Even kitchen no too dirty—just small oil here and there. My mind rest small.

"Erm... next time... on fan if you wan smoke. I dey allergic to smoke..."

I nod, dey try reason how I go dey smoke with all these wahala. Temi dey gentle, e show for her face.

"Okay, I go try no smoke for room."

"No wahala. Most people here dey smoke—na only me and one other girl no dey smoke."

She talk am like say na shame to no dey smoke. I just nod, dey wonder which kind house be this.

"Eh, okay." At least I get people to smoke with.

I dey reason say for Lagos, anything dey possible. House wey almost everybody dey smoke—na wa.

Wait. Six people dey smoke? I dey sure say I no miscalculate? Maybe my room no be kitchen, na smoking zone.

My mind dey play, dey imagine if landlord sabi. But for this Lagos, na anything go.