Chapter 1: Back From the Edge—Again

I’ve been secretly in love with my childhood friend, Mason Carter, for a decade now.

Every little detail of those years is etched in my memory, tucked away like old photos wedged in a yearbook—his crooked grin, the way he’d yell my name from across the street, the feeling of being known so well, it almost hurt. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else will ever know me like that. Still, even up to the moment I died, I was just the girl next door—never his girlfriend.

Sometimes, when I let myself drift back, I can almost feel that last moment: the hospital’s icy air, the steady hum of machines, and Mason’s hand wrapped tight around mine. I was fading, but he was still there—steady, loyal, but never mine. God, that hurt more than anything. *Why couldn’t it have been different?*

So when I woke up and found myself back in high school, I decided to just be friends with Mason and see what else was out there. Maybe it was time to move on, right?

Yeah, easier said than done. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? I wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. Not this time. This time, I was determined to rewrite my own story, even if it meant letting go of the one person I’d always wanted.

But Mason started acting all possessive: “You want a boyfriend? Who could treat you better than I do?”

The way he said it—like it was the most obvious thing in the world—made my heart skip a beat. *If only he knew...* I just rolled my eyes, trying to play it cool, but at night I’d lie awake replaying every dumb thing we’d ever said to each other, searching for some hidden meaning.

“Wow, Mason comes running to bring you water and an umbrella the second class is over. He’s really got your back!” After gym, Kayla and I were heading back when we spotted Mason jogging over, sweaty and grinning.

Typical Kayla. She nudged me with her elbow, a teasing grin lighting up her face. “If he did that for me, I’d probably faint on the spot.”

He waved a pink-and-white umbrella in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.

The sight of him—tall, athletic, a streak of sweat down his temple—made my heart flutter, even though I tried to ignore it. Great. Here we go again. In the sunlight, his six-foot frame holding that umbrella looked kind of ridiculous, but in the best way.

Kayla stifled a laugh. “That’s commitment. Only Mason Carter would risk looking like a dork just to keep you out of the sun.”

But Mason never cared what anyone thought. When he reached me, he handed me the water. “Drink up.”

His tone was gentle. Still, there was a hint of command—like he’d been doing this forever. The sun overhead vanished as he naturally fell into step beside me. “It’s way too hot today. You’re not in the best health—you should’ve asked for a pass.”

Kayla grinned beside me, all smug, like a proud aunt.

She elbowed me again, mouthing, "You lucky duck," before she fell back a few steps, giving us some space.

But I couldn’t bring myself to smile. Not this time.

There was a heaviness in my chest, like something good I could never really have. Why did it always feel like this? Like something just out of reach. Mason and I had grown up together in Silver Hollow. My mom had a difficult labor, so I was always sickly—catching colds, fevers, and in the summer, heatstroke hit me hard.

I remembered missing school dances and sleepovers because I was stuck in bed, and Mason always found a way to sneak me notes or drop off my homework with a joke attached. Mason was always there—my own personal knight, even when I didn’t want one.

If someone picked on me, he’d stand up for me. If someone mocked me, he’d snap back so hard they’d regret it. No one messed with me—not when Mason was around.

He once got detention for calling out a bully in third grade. When my mom scolded him, he just shrugged and said, “Somebody’s gotta do it.”

He treated me so, so well... How could I not fall for him?

I kept my crush under wraps, afraid to ruin what we had. But that secret, hopeless crush lasted ten years, right up until the car accident when I was twenty-six. Even as I was dying, he stayed by my bedside every day, taking care of me. Everyone said he’d done so much for me.

But only I knew he’d told people more than once that he saw me just like a real sister.

To have the person you love treat you like a sister—there’s nothing more heartbreaking. Seriously. Nothing.

There were nights I’d stare at the ceiling, wondering: What would it take for him to see me differently? Turns out, it wasn’t meant to be.

I never expected that, at the moment my life ended, when I blinked my eyes, I’d find myself back in high school.

The scent of old textbooks, the squeak of sneakers in the hallway, the buzz of locker doors—it was all so familiar, like stepping into a memory I hadn’t realized I missed. God, I missed this.

“What’s wrong? Feeling a little heatstroke?” His worried voice snapped me out of my thoughts. *Classic Mason.*

I took the umbrella from him, trying to act unfazed. “I’m fine. You guys don’t have gym this period, so you don’t need to come all the way over just to bring me stuff.”

He looked at me like I’d just spoken in another language. Classic Mason. I could feel Kayla’s eyes on us, curious and a little concerned. With that, I sped up, pulling along a confused Kayla. “Let’s go, time to eat.”

I left Mason standing there, looking lost. And I hated myself for it.

He looked like a wet puppy, and for a second, I almost turned back. But I kept walking. This crush was always doomed from the start. Pulling our relationship back to just friends was better for both of us.

He caught up, grabbed my wrist. “Lila, we always eat together...” His voice was urgent, and I could feel the panic rising off him. “Why are you acting like this all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong, or do you not like the umbrella?”

His grip was warm but gentle. He was always like this—never rough. I could feel his confusion radiating off him. He blocked my way, his brown hair messy and damp with sweat, but he didn’t look awkward at all—if anything, he looked alive and youthful.

There was a wildness in his eyes, like he couldn’t figure out why everything had changed. His dark eyes stared straight at me, full of confusion, and he even started to doubt himself.

Seeing this, Kayla slipped away with an awkward smile. “You two talk, I’m heading to the cafeteria!”

She shot me a look that said, "Good luck," and dashed off, leaving me and Mason under the oak trees.

The leaves rustled overhead, dappling the ground with sunlight. We’d stood here a thousand times before. I looked up at him. It’s true—I’d never really refused him before, always depending on him completely.

It hit me then how much I’d relied on his kindness.

I looked down and said, as evenly as I could, “Don’t get me wrong. I just mean, we’re a guy and a girl. If you keep doing this, people will get the wrong idea. The SATs are coming up soon. I can handle these things myself, you don’t need to go out of your way.” *Do I sound cold? Maybe. But I had to.*

Those words were harsh. But they were true. *No use sugarcoating it.*

I could see the sting in his eyes. Still, I didn’t back down. Everyone around us just assumed we were together. Only I knew, clear as day, that he saw me as a sister. But because I craved his special attention, I ignored the rumors—maybe even hoped they’d reach his ears.

He went quiet, which was rare for him.

Just when I thought he’d finally understood, he took the umbrella from my hand again, shrugged it off, and said, “Let people think what they want. We’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You’re my little sister—what’s wrong with a big brother taking care of his sister?” I had nothing to say to that.

I felt my heart sink. That meal tasted like cardboard. I just kept quiet.

He handed me the umbrella and smiled. He always said it so casually. But there was a hint of hope in his eyes. Mason was an athlete, always busy with team practice. After practice, he could go out to eat, and he’d usually bring me Starbucks or a cupcake or something.

It was our little ritual, and I’d always looked forward to it. But now, I forced myself to break the habit. “No need, I’ll eat with my classmates.” I declined politely. Before, I’d wait to eat until he brought me food, even if that meant going hungry until homework time started.

Now, I wanted to get my life back on track. That meant breaking this habit.

“Alright.” After being turned down twice in one day, he looked a little bummed, but just nodded. “I’ll get going then?”

His voice was soft, almost uncertain. Why did this feel so awful? I nodded and turned to leave.

I could tell he was uncomfortable, and honestly, so was I. I felt ridiculous.

I kept my face neutral, but inside, I was a mess. Loving him was just too exhausting. I didn’t want to do it anymore. If we stayed close, I’d lose control again.

So I had to keep my distance. *No matter how much it hurt.*

After lunch, the halls buzzed with students heading to class.

The hallways buzzed with students, the air thick with end-of-summer heat. When the sun set and I left the classroom, the next class over was already empty. Mason should still be at practice.

“Did you have a fight with Mason?” Kayla stood next to me, following my gaze toward his classroom. She tried to joke, “He treats you so well. If I had a boyfriend like that, I’d slap myself if we fought.”

I stiffened. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s just the kid from next door, looking out for me.”

Uh-oh. As soon as I said it, footsteps behind me stopped.

I turned around.

A group of guys came up the stairs, with Mason in the lead, looking distracted. He looked like he hadn’t slept.

He looked like he was lost in thought, but when he heard my words, his face fell.

One of the boys spotted me. “Mason said he was worried, so he bought you some food on his way back.”

That’s when I noticed Mason was holding my favorite chicken fried rice and a taro boba, and even a fresh fruit cup. He even got my order exactly right.

“Thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say, so I just blurted it out. Lame.

But I felt a pang of sadness.

Who wants to be a little sister? Who wants to be just his sister? *God, why does this sting so much?*

I forced a smile, but it didn’t reach my eyes. *Fake it till you make it, right?*

“Don’t thank me. Why are you being so formal? It’s hot outside—eat in the classroom.” Mason sounded as casual as ever.

Kayla shot me a confused look.

She took the boba, a little stunned, then glanced at me. Guess she wasn’t expecting that.

Why would she go to the cafeteria if I already had dinner?

I nodded. After Kayla left, I glanced at Mason and turned to go into the classroom.

I thought he’d go off to practice with the guys, but instead, he followed me in and plopped down in the seat across from me. Seriously?

I shot him a look.

Looking back, I saw the boys had already left. Great. Alone again.

I’d tried so hard to avoid being alone with him, but the more I tried, the less it worked. Figures.

He seemed oblivious. “I’ll watch you eat. When I’m at practice, I never know if you’re eating properly.”

“Mason, I’m not a kid anymore.” His tone was so gentle, like he was coaxing a little kid. It made me pause as I opened the takeout box.

Maybe my tone was a little harsh, because he froze, a flustered look on his tanned, handsome face as he stabbed the straw into my boba. *He always looked so lost when I got like this.*

“Are you in a bad mood today? Have some boba. You can take it out on me, but don’t keep it bottled up.” He always knew when something was off.

I felt choked up, stuck between a laugh and a sigh. He was impossible.

He was a few months older than me, good-looking, and had plenty of girls openly or secretly crushing on him at school. Not that he ever noticed.

I didn’t believe for a second he couldn’t tell how I felt about him. Could he really be that clueless?

“Why would I take it out on you? You’re not my boyfriend.” I put the boba aside, staring straight at his shocked face, and for once, I felt a little thrill. About time.

Yeah. Maybe it was time to look at other guys.

I was pretty, smart, and now would be a good time to start dating, maybe even bring someone to college. Easier said than done.

But as soon as I thought that, he suddenly shot to his feet, making the chair screech. His dark eyes widened. “You’re about to take the SAT! Don’t think about stuff like that. There aren’t any good guys at our school. I know all the guys on the sports team—they might look okay, but they’re all players. Not suitable for you!” Wow. Jealous much?

I just stared at him.

What kind of friend throws his own teammates under the bus?

Let him stew. Seeing I wouldn’t budge, I just kept eating in silence.

He sat back down. The classroom was quiet.

After a while, a warm hand reached over and wiped a grain of rice from the corner of my mouth. I looked up in surprise and saw his smile. He was still the same old Mason.

“Look at you, all grown up and still getting food on your face. Not mad anymore, right? Let’s make up.”

The evening sun slanted through the window, slicing the light into golden patches that fell across his handsome face.

He was bright and bold, but his eyes were always gentle. It was almost too much.

My heart skipped a beat, and I quickly lowered my head.

If this kept up, I was afraid I’d fall for him all over again. Like I ever stopped.