Chapter 3: Dreams, Distance, and Do-Overs

Getting another shot at life, I wasn’t going to revolve around him again. I had other dreams to chase. I was determined.

I had a good memory and chose liberal arts, so most subjects were memorization. After reviewing, I quickly got the hang of things. Not bad for a second chance.

“Lila, you don’t look so good. Don’t push yourself too hard.” During evening study, Kayla handed me a bottle of milk, looking worried.

My face? I’d just finished an English test, put down my pen, and rubbed my throbbing forehead. My head was pounding. *Figures I’d get sick now.*

Sure enough, the sudden temperature drop after the rain had given me a cold. Just my luck.

Even my voice was a bit nasal. “I’m fine.”

There was less than a month until the SAT. In my last life, Mason took such good care of me that I never got sick at this time. Now, I was on my own.

Evening study ended at 9:50, but I still had a math test to finish. By the time I left, it was already 10:30. I was exhausted.

As soon as I stepped out of the classroom, the whole building went dark. *Great.*

*The lights were out!*

The sudden darkness made my heart race. I fumbled in my bag for my phone, but couldn’t find it. Then I remembered—I’d left it in my desk. Of course.

I wanted to go back, but the pitch-black classroom was even scarier than the hallway. No way was I going back in there.

Just as I was about to feel my way to the stairs, I bumped into someone and screamed! My heart nearly exploded.

“Don’t shout, it’s me.” A familiar voice made my heart settle. I instinctively grabbed Mason’s shirt as he turned on his phone flashlight, lighting up a small area. Relief flooded me.

In the dim light, I saw his expression was cold. He licked his lips, looking even more dazed than I felt, but managed to ask, “Why are you still here?”

I didn’t look at him. “Doing practice problems.”

“Oh.”

Neither of us said anything else. The silence was thick.

The awkward silence grew. I wanted to say something, but the words wouldn’t come.

I snuck a glance at him. He stared straight ahead, his jawline sharp. I missed him so much it hurt.

We walked in silence until we reached the corner. Suddenly, he stopped, and so did I. “What—” My heart skipped.

Before I could finish, he grabbed my shoulders and pressed me against the wall. His handsome face loomed close, his breath warm, his voice tense with emotion. “You’ve been acting weird since that gym class. We were fine before—why are you suddenly so distant? Hanging out with other guys? I have an umbrella too!”

“Why date anyone else? Who could treat you better than me? Don’t worry about what people say!”

I went from shocked to calm. It all made sense now.

So this was what he’d been upset about. He was jealous. *Finally.*

I looked at him quietly, remembering what Tyler said. Maybe he really didn’t get it.

Darkness always breeds thoughts you shouldn’t have. I could feel my heart racing.

My heart pounded so hard it felt like it would burst from my chest.

In the darkness, I heard my own voice: “I care.”

He froze. “Why?”

I looked straight into his eyes and said, as seriously as I could, “Because I like you—like that. Like a girlfriend likes her boyfriend!”

The moment I said it, the silence was deafening. I could barely breathe.

I almost held my breath. I was terrified.

What would he think? Would he find my feelings disgusting? Would this ruin everything?

“Lila, maybe you’re confusing dependence with love—” He stared at me for a long time, then finally spoke, trying to explain.

*Of course. Same as always.*

“Enough.” I cut him off, took a deep breath, and said, “I’m not joking. If you can’t accept it, let’s just be regular friends and keep some distance.”

That last line left Mason frozen in place. He looked devastated.

He didn’t say another word as he walked me back to the dorm. The silence between us felt heavier than ever.

I didn’t want to hurt him, but loving someone who doesn’t love you back is too painful. I didn’t want to fall in again. Not this time.

“By the way, what college are you planning to go to?” As I was about to leave, Mason suddenly asked, as if nothing had happened.

I was dizzy and waved him off. “I haven’t decided. We’ll see.”

*….*

“You okay? Are you feeling sick?” He immediately noticed something was off. I paused and replied flatly, “I’m fine.”

Then I walked into the dorm without looking back. I didn’t let myself hesitate.

Sure enough, the next day I came down with a high fever. I asked Kayla to call in sick for me, then called my parents. I felt awful, inside and out.

By the time they came to pick me up, I was already half-asleep. Everything felt hazy.

Half-awake, I remembered bits and pieces from the past. So many times, I’d gotten sick, and Mason was always there.

Back then, when I got sick, it would last at least two weeks. Mason would skip everything except class, even quit playing games, and spent every day Googling foods that might help me recover faster. He tried so hard.

My mom would tease him, “Mason, you’re so good to Lila. Why don’t you just marry her?”

He’d always answer without thinking, “No need for that. Lila is my little sister. I’ll take care of her for life.”

That one word—sister—closed every door. It still stung.

“Lila, wake up!” My mom’s voice pulled me back. I was barely conscious, floating in and out.

I remembered being helped up, then carried on someone’s back. I felt weightless.

It was a broad, sweaty back, like someone had run to get me. I knew it was him.

I opened my eyes groggily and saw the back of a boy’s head. Mason.

I hooked my arms around his neck, pressed my face to his neck, and accidentally brushed my lips against his cheek. My heart fluttered, even in that state.

He stiffened, then said, “Quit messing around. You didn’t even tell me you were sick. I’ll deal with you when you’re better.”

*Deal with me? Hah, I wish.*

I was taken to the hospital, got an IV, and some fever meds. When I came to, my mom was scolding me. “You’re at the same school and didn’t ask Mason for help? Why call us from across town when he’s right there?”

Mason stood by, giving me the same reproachful look. I couldn’t meet his eyes.

I closed my eyes, pretending not to see.

“Honestly, this child…” My mom gave up and turned to chat with Mason. “By the way, I heard you did great on your athletic exam. What college do you want to go to?”

“What school does Lila want to go to?” Mason replied.

“She—”

Before my mom could answer, I shot up and cut in, “I haven’t decided yet!”

Now my mom was surprised. “Didn’t you say before…”

I ignored Mason’s burning gaze and lied without blinking. “That was before. Things are different now. I want to think it over.”

*….*

I could feel Mason’s mood darken the moment I said it. It hurt, but I kept my face blank.

I lowered my eyes, digging my nails into my palm. *Stay strong, Lila.*

*Don’t get soft.*

I spent the next couple weeks at home recovering, but didn’t fall behind on my studies. I kept busy, so I wouldn’t think about him.

Soon, it was time for the SAT. My nerves were on edge.

Sitting in the exam room, facing the half-familiar, half-strange test papers, I pushed aside all distractions and focused. This was my shot.

After the last test, as I left the building, I let out a breath. I’d forgotten most of the test questions from my last life, but after all my hard work, I felt like I’d done even better this time. I hoped so, anyway.

I had a real shot at Columbia.

That’s right—in my last life, my scores and application fell just short and I had to settle for another college. This time, I should make it. I wanted it so badly.

My exam room was on the second floor. As I came out, I saw Mason standing below in the sunlight, practically glowing. My heart clenched.

He looked up and caught my eye, and for a moment, everything else faded. I let myself linger on him for a moment before forcing myself to look away. It hurt, but I had to.

This time, we were really going our separate ways. For real.

When decisions came out, I got into Columbia, just as I’d hoped. My mom said Mason got into Northwestern—the school he’d always wanted. I was happy for him, but it felt bittersweet.

This time, he didn’t change his plans for me. I guess that’s how it should be.

All summer, except for the celebration dinner, I didn’t see Mason again. I missed him, even if I pretended not to.