Chapter 4: Choosing My Own Exit

I got up. Shut the bedroom door. After a long while, I texted my buddy in Seattle.

I stared at the phone for a long time before typing out the message. My hands shook, but I hit send anyway. It felt like the first real decision I’d made in months. Maybe the first one that was actually for me.

"I’ll come see you in three days. I’ll join as a technical partner."

"Yes, I’m sure."

After I set the phone down, I curled up in bed, my head pounding like it was about to explode.

Every heartbeat thudded in my ears. I pulled the covers over my head. Wishing I could disappear. My body ached, my chest tight with a grief I couldn’t name.

Savannah, if only all I wanted from you was sex.

But I was too greedy. I wanted both your body and your heart.

If I can’t have both, I’d rather lose everything. Simple as that.

The words repeated in my mind, over and over, until they were the only thing I could hear.

When Savannah came in, I pretended to be asleep. She slipped into bed quietly, curling up carefully in my arms.

Her body was warm, her breath soft against my neck. She fit herself into the curve of my body like she belonged there. But it felt wrong now—forced, artificial. I wondered if she could feel the distance, too.

At last, almost reverently, she kissed me goodnight between my eyebrows and fell into a deep, contented sleep.

I remembered when that gesture used to make me feel cherished, special. Now, I just felt numb.

But I couldn’t sleep at all.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling, listening to her breathing slow and deepen. My mind raced with memories and regrets. I felt like I was dissolving.