I Woke Up a Raccoon—Now It’s Payback / Chapter 1: Claws, Crackers, and Cheaters
I Woke Up a Raccoon—Now It’s Payback

I Woke Up a Raccoon—Now It’s Payback

Author: Ethan Ward

Chapter 1: Claws, Crackers, and Cheaters

Next →

After my cheating, lowlife husband left me in a coma, I woke up as a wild raccoon in the Appalachians. Honestly, can you believe it? One minute I'm out cold, the next I'm stuck with fur, claws, and a tail, and my first thought is: Seriously? This is my afterlife? Figures.

Let me tell you, nothing—and I mean nothing—can prepare you for the shock of waking up with a tail and claws, smack in the middle of a place that smells like moss, rain, and old leaves. I shrieked. I twisted. I prowled those forested hills like I owned the joint—wild and absolutely free. The wind tasted like mountain laurel and river mud. I howled and hissed at every tourist who dared come through without offering me a peanut butter cracker—no exceptions. If you came hiking with a snack, you’d better share. Or you’d find yourself on the wrong end of my raccoon temper. Folks learned fast: Pine Ridge’s raccoons don’t mess around.

Until—

That scumbag showed up, strolling down the trail, arm-in-arm with his new girlfriend. Of course. Just my luck.

---

Everyone knows a female raccoon is, well, a lady. And so am I. So, on day two of my coma, I swapped souls with a raccoon—fate’s idea of a joke.

I remember that moment like a fever dream. When I opened my eyes again, I was a rambunctious raccoon on Pine Ridge. The world was sharper, louder, bigger, and so much stranger. Every sound felt like it was meant just for me. Wild, right?

I touched my furry paws and caught my beady-eyed, pointy-snouted reflection in the creek. Honestly, I was just relieved to be alive and moving. Thank goodness. The water rippled with my shock, but I was grateful for motion, for breath—even if it came out as a chitter. What a way to start over.

But—

"Hey, you in the black windbreaker! Can you stop blocking me?"

"I need to get down the mountain, go home, and take down that couple who stole my house!"

"I want to steal my own body, run off into the world, and live a wild, loving, inseparable life—just one woman and one raccoon, forever."

"Let me go! Let me go!"

But the park ranger wouldn’t let me out of his sight.

Every time I tried to slip past, he’d scoop me up like I was a stray kitten, his hands surprisingly gentle but annoyingly firm. By the 250th time he tossed me back into the woods, I caught him grinning and chatting with some tourists. I swear, this guy thought he was hilarious.

"Ranger, this raccoon keeps chattering. What’s it saying?"

"Oh, she’s just being a raccoon. Gets real excited when she sees pretty ladies, keeps saying how beautiful you are."

The two tourists blushed. "Really?"

"Would I lie to you?"

Me:

"???"

"Hey! Girls! He’s lying to you! Men’s words are nothing but lies! Yeah, you’re pretty, but I’m cursing him out! Cursing! Him! Out!"

Tourists, confused: "Why is it chittering even louder now?"

The ranger, totally unfazed: "Just happy from all the compliments."

"..."

I let my raccoon face fall, not wanting to say another word. My tail drooped, and I gave him my best raccoon stink-eye, but he just winked and went back to his ranger routine. Some days, you just can’t win.

---

Next →

You may also like

Buddy's Grin
Buddy's Grin
4.9
Haunted by tragedy, Eli’s rural childhood unravels into a chilling blend of memory and nightmare after his beloved raccoon, Buddy, mimics a deadly act. As suspicion, loss, and guilt fracture his family, Eli’s grip on reality blurs—forcing him to confront the horrifying possibility that his memories may be hiding something even darker. With every revelation, the line between innocence and monstrosity grows perilously thin.
Buried Upside Down: My Family’s Curse
Buried Upside Down: My Family’s Curse
4.8
A wild raccoon and a black snake crash dinner, and by morning, Great-Uncle Ray is dead—buried headfirst in a pit he dug himself. As the family reels from shock, old superstitions surface: omens, curses, and warnings that this death is only the beginning. When a mysterious expert arrives, secrets unravel—rituals are performed, hair is cut, and Mason finds himself caught between folklore and fear. But when he's sent on a simple errand, the world turns strange: time freezes, fog swallows the roads, and the village seems abandoned. Is something hunting the family, or is Mason already lost to the curse? What debt is the snake here to collect—and can anyone escape before the darkness claims another life?
War Next Door: The Quackening
War Next Door: The Quackening
4.6
All I wanted was sleep, but my new neighbors turned every night into a duck-cackling, wall-shaking nightmare. When polite complaints failed, I unleashed chaos—and soon, our feud went nuclear, dragging the whole building into a battle of trash, police, and primal revenge. In this war, only the most shameless will survive—and I’m not backing down.
My Cat Is Plotting My Death
My Cat Is Plotting My Death
4.6
After catching her cat planting a thumbtack under her pillow on home security footage, a lonely office worker realizes her cuddly companion might be a criminal mastermind. As paranoia spirals, every innocent purr and midnight cuddle starts to feel like a threat—and even her friends warn her that cats are never truly tamed. But when her cat fakes an injury to stay, the chilling truth emerges: this isn’t just a pet, it’s a predator with unfinished business.
My Ex Is a Peacock, My Boyfriend’s a Snake
My Ex Is a Peacock, My Boyfriend’s a Snake
4.9
Jealous birds, talking snakes, and a reality show gone wild—my life was weird enough before a viral peacock turned me into America’s favorite underdog. When my animal co-stars start acting suspiciously human, I realize I’m caught between a shape-shifting junior who loves me, a rival with secrets, and a dangerous backstage betrayal that could end it all. Fame, friendship, and forbidden romance collide as I race to save my animals—and my own heart. But when the cameras stop rolling, who can I really trust: the snake at my side, or the peacock I never truly left behind? Will my wildest love story survive the spotlight—or will it unravel in the shadows?
My Grandma’s Cat Is Internet Famous
My Grandma’s Cat Is Internet Famous
4.6
Abandoned by the city, I became Grandma’s reluctant sidekick—until a viral talent show turned me into the internet’s favorite ‘Boss Cat.’ But even as #WhiskersTheBoss trends worldwide, my biggest battles are at home: a stubborn old lady, a heartbroken grandson, and a country full of chickens who want revenge. When the boy suddenly hears me talk, everything changes—because in this family, even the cat has secrets.
I Died a Monster, Woke Up Again
I Died a Monster, Woke Up Again
4.8
In Montana’s wild country, Dr. Nathaniel Reeves answered the call to heal—but the world turned on him, branding him a monster for a crime he didn’t commit. Betrayed by the girl he once saved, hounded by her family and a bloodthirsty internet mob, Reeves lost everything: his career, his family, even his will to live. Driven past the brink, he streamed a brutal act of revenge—only to awaken, alive, on the very night the nightmare began. Trapped in a looping hell, forced to relive every accusation, every loss, every violent choice, Reeves faces a single, impossible question: Is this his punishment, or his chance at redemption? When justice is devoured by lies, how do you escape a fate you never deserved?
She Used My Address—Now I’m Hunted
She Used My Address—Now I’m Hunted
4.9
Every night, my new apartment turns into a nightmare—because my drop-dead gorgeous neighbor keeps using my address for her endless parade of late-night takeout. At first, it’s just lost sleep and fury. Then the cryptic marks appear, and I realize I’m not just a pawn in her influencer drama—I’m the bullseye. As creepy deliveries, bribes, and threats pile up, paranoia takes root, and every shadow hides a pair of watching eyes. But when a faceless stalker invades my home—leaving blood, fear, and a whisper through the door—I’m forced to wonder: is my neighbor the victim, the villain, or bait for something far worse? How do you fight back when the whole world seems to be watching, and you’re the only one awake?
I Bankrupted My Boss for Revenge
I Bankrupted My Boss for Revenge
4.7
After years of unpaid overtime and brutal humiliation, I finally snapped when my greedy boss stole a dead worker’s insurance payout. So I wired every cent the company had—over $2 million—to a scammer, knowing it would ruin him and his spoiled family. Now, bleeding on the conference room floor, I wonder if justice will finally take my side, or if I’ll be destroyed along with them.
She Hates My Fur, Cassie Wants My Bite
She Hates My Fur, Cassie Wants My Bite
4.9
Being a werewolf should make love wild—so why does my girlfriend recoil from my fur, demand I hide my fangs, and force me to beg for scraps of affection? Humiliated, starved for touch, and haunted by a barrage of taunting messages only I can see, I’m driven to the edge—until Cassie Lane, my girlfriend’s sly roommate, offers a taste of the comfort I crave. But Cassie’s warmth is laced with secrets and dangerous hunger, and every stolen moment draws me deeper into her tangled web. When betrayal, obsession, and supernatural cravings collide in the darkness, will I finally break free—or lose myself to a love that’s anything but human? Who’s really the predator, and who’s the prey?
He Stole My Life—Now I’m Taking It Back
He Stole My Life—Now I’m Taking It Back
4.9
He stole my name, my future, and my soul—so why did I wake up back in his shadow, with the pain of a lifetime burning in my chest? After forty-eight years of being Julian’s perfect stand-in—used, erased, and finally discarded—Jamie Blackwell gets the impossible: a second shot at life in the same cruel house. This time, he remembers every betrayal, every stolen dream, and every time he was called a dog instead of a son. With nothing left to lose and a single burning hope, Jamie plots to reclaim his stolen identity and shatter the twisted game his family plays. But in a house built on secrets, every move could mean disaster—and the brother who ruined his life is always one step ahead. Can Jamie break free from his chains, or will his second chance end before it begins?
Benny Said Jump—And I Watched
Benny Said Jump—And I Watched
4.9
A child’s cartoon obsession turns into a waking nightmare when a father catches his son nearly leaping from an upstairs window—claiming a talking bear is calling him to a honey waterfall. As other neighborhood kids begin showing mysterious wounds and sharing the same impossible story, the line between hallucination and haunting blurs. No adult can see the grinning bear with a chainsaw, yet the evidence keeps piling up: cryptic codes, secret scars, and a circle of children bound by a game with deadly rules. Can a parent uncover the truth behind Benny the Bear before another child vanishes—or will the forest cabin claim them all? What really happens when only the chosen can see what's coming?