Chapter 3: The Hero Raccoon Strikes Back

After the tourists left, the ranger caught me again. He gave me a lecture: if I tried to escape again, he’d lock me in a dark shed and make me watch other raccoons eat Little Debbie snack cakes while I gnawed on stale crackers. Yeah, right. As if.

I rolled my eyes and got a flick on the head for it.

"You’re pretty good at mimicking people, raccoon."

Ouch. I rubbed my head. Poor raccoon me—I really am a person! If only he knew the truth, maybe he’d cut me some slack. But to him, I was just another troublemaker with a bandit mask. Figures.

I was about to argue with the ranger when I suddenly heard a painfully familiar voice from the hillside. Sounded like Travis Sutter!

The ranger was still rambling. I used his shoulder like a diving board and leapt, shrieking and twisting, up to the branch above the voice. Heart pounding, paws shaking.

Sure enough, it was that bastard Travis Sutter! And he’d brought the pretty girl!

Ahhh, I’m going to tear them apart! No one can stop me! Not today!

I snarled. Ferocious. Screaming. All teeth and claws.

My claws dug into the bark, tail bristling with anticipation. I could feel my heart thumping in my tiny chest. Revenge was so close I could taste it. So close I could practically smell victory.

---

The pretty girl patted Travis, looked up at me, and said, "There’s a raccoon above us."

Then she covered her mouth and giggled, "That snarling face looks just like your wife who’s in a coma!"

Travis frowned at me. "Don’t mention her. She’s bad luck."

Me: "..."

I had to laugh. Meeting you two is my bad luck. Even as a raccoon, I have to hear you trash-talking me? Seriously? Did I really deserve this? Ugh.

I narrowed my eyes, aiming to leap down on them, rip out their hair, and leave them bald!

Then the pretty girl spoke again:

"Why does it look constipated? Is it about to… you know? I heard some raccoons like to throw stuff at people."

"That’s so gross. Let’s get out of here."

Me: "???"

Some people just see everything as gross. Even if I’m a raccoon now, I’m still a lady raccoon! I would never throw poop at someone! Where’s your sense of decency? Where’s the poop, anyway? Seriously, universe?

Damn! Why can’t I go right now?

It’s like the pretty girl read my mind—she dragged Travis several steps away. I gave up on that dumb idea and focused on my original plan: making them bald. Deep breath. Focus.

The next second, a raccoon screech echoed from afar. I turned to look—just in time to see two blobs of something land squarely on their heads.

"..."

"Aaaah, what the hell—"

The pretty girl’s scream echoed across Pine Ridge.

After a stunned moment, I threw my head back and howled with laughter. Whoever that was, they're my hero. My absolute hero.

I looked all around, but the heroic raccoon was nowhere to be seen. It vanished right after the hit. Like a little masked avenger.

Doing a good deed and not sticking around for credit. That’s my kind of hero raccoon!

I made a mental note: if I ever find this mystery raccoon, I owe them a snack cake or two. Maybe three. Hey, I pay my debts.

---

Under the tree, Travis’s face was as dark as a thundercloud. The pretty girl sobbed as she frantically wiped her hair with napkins and bottled water.

Ugh, it stinks. So gross.

She stomped her foot in frustration, then tossed the dirty napkin to the ground.

"Just my luck!"

But as soon as she finished, a gust of wind swept the napkin up and smacked it right onto Travis’s mouth, covering half his face.

For a few seconds, the air froze.

Then Travis’s voice boomed across Pine Ridge.

"Maddie, can you just chill for once?"

Maddie shut up, hanging her head and trying not to laugh.

Hahaha! I couldn’t hold it in. I laughed so hard I nearly drooled. My little raccoon shoulders shook, and I almost fell out of the tree. It was the best slapstick I’d seen in ages.

Sensing I was mocking them, Travis, furious, hurled his water bottle at me.

"Missed me! Too slow! Better luck next time!"

The bottle tumbled off the ridge behind me.

I danced and made faces at them.

"Ha! You’re a joke! Even the hero raccoon’s aim is better than yours. You’re not even as good as a raccoon. All you do is embarrass yourself. I swear, you’re devolving—super devolving!"

Look at that face—so bitter you could curdle milk. Nowhere to vent your anger, huh? Hahaha, I’m dying over here.

I stuck out my tongue and wiggled my ears for good measure. If only I could’ve filmed the whole thing for my old Instagram. Instant viral.

---

"You again, raccoon! What trouble are you causing this time?"

He bellowed. Before I could react, a giant net dropped over my head.

Me: "???"

What the hell?

I started to struggle, but before I knew it, I was scooped up in the net by my nemesis, the ranger.

Nearby, Maddie complained to the ranger, saying I threw stuff on her and Travis and then mocked them.

Me: "???"

"Maddie, what are you talking about? That was the hero raccoon, not me!"

And then—another flick on the head.

Bragging about your bad deeds? What happened to your raccoon morals?

Me: "..."

So wronged… I took the fall for the hero raccoon and couldn’t even explain myself. Figures. Just my luck.

I gave my best pitiful raccoon eyes, but the ranger just shook his head and muttered something about "drama queen critters."

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