I Woke Up a Raccoon—Now It’s Payback / Chapter 4: Jailhouse Snacks and New Allies
I Woke Up a Raccoon—Now It’s Payback

I Woke Up a Raccoon—Now It’s Payback

Author: Ethan Ward

Chapter 4: Jailhouse Snacks and New Allies

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The ranger dragged me over and apologized profusely to Travis and Maddie, saying it was the park’s fault and he’d set me straight.

Ugh, so annoying. Can’t I set Travis and Maddie straight before you set me straight? Otherwise, I’m going to explode from holding in all this anger.

I quietly tried to sneak up behind the ranger, planning to give those two hypocrites a good whack.

Just then, another raccoon cry sounded. That voice—

It was the hero raccoon!

So now it’s four of us—well, technically, one person, two scumbags, and a raccoon. What a circus.

The hero raccoon came barreling over from the distance, looking like it meant business. To me, it looked like Rocky right then. That had to be my savior!

While we all gawked, the hero raccoon leapt to the branch I’d just been on, then onto Maddie’s shoulder—and slapped her twice. The crisp slaps and bright red marks left me stunned. That’s what I call justice.

The ranger was frozen. Maddie screamed, clutching her face. Not to be outdone, I broke free from the ranger, jumped onto Travis, yanked his hair, kicked his face, and beat the crap out of him! Sweet, sweet payback.

The ranger was so shocked it took him a while to call over some other rangers to pull us apart. Travis ended up with a black eye and a swollen face, Maddie’s hair was yanked into a mess by the hero raccoon.

The hero raccoon and I were dragged off to stand in the corner, but I felt so much better. Nothing relieves anger like a good beatdown. Should’ve hit them even harder. Maybe knock them both into comas so they can keep my poor body company in the hospital.

We exchanged victorious glances, two raccoons with nothing left to lose. I couldn’t help but let out a little laugh. What a pair we made.

---

In the end, the park staff came out to sort out damages with Travis and Maddie. As soon as money was mentioned, they shut up and immediately made wild demands. Since it was the hero raccoon and me who started the fight, the staff had no choice but to agree. Travis and Maddie grinned from ear to ear. Ugh, their greedy faces made me want to puke.

But seeing Travis’s greedy face suddenly disgusted me. When did he become so obsessed with money? How did I never notice before? Did he change, or was he always like this, just hiding it well? Maybe I was just blind.

I scratched my head in frustration. The hero raccoon, locked up with me, copied me and scratched its head too. The silly look made me laugh. Then it started imitating me, laughing as well. Like we were in some weird animal sitcom.

Imitating me?

I started jumping and twisting around all wild and crazy. It copied me. I howled, it howled; I screamed, it screamed; I wriggled, it wriggled; I convulsed, it convulsed; I pounded my chest like a little bear, it did the same; I howled like a dog, it howled too; I got flicked by my nemesis ranger, it got flicked by another ranger. Classic.

So, the two of us raccoons covered our heads and exchanged pitiful looks. The two rangers were thoroughly unimpressed:

"I’ve heard of rabies, but never crazy raccoon disease. Is it contagious? What are you two howling about, wriggling around like weirdos? So ugly."

"Looks like we’ll have to lock you up in the shed to calm down."

"..."

After beating up the scumbags for the greater good, now we’re getting locked up? Poor me. What a day.

I sighed, but deep down, I felt like I’d found a friend. Or at least a partner in crime. Not bad for a day’s work.

---

So the hero raccoon and I got locked in the dark shed, paying a small price for our moment of wildness. While the other raccoons outside ate Little Debbie snack cakes, we gnawed on stale crackers in the dark. No appetite—might as well starve.

I tossed my cracker to the hero raccoon in disgust, then glared up at my nemesis ranger watching us through the window. Hmph! I’ve got dignity. Unless you give me two snack cakes, I’ll starve myself!

"Here, two cakes for you."

The ranger tossed a couple of snack cakes into the room, looking annoyed. I immediately grinned from ear to ear.

"Thank you, ranger!"

He waved me off, even more annoyed.

"Enough, enough, quit the raccoon chatter."

Hey, I was being polite! I’m a well-mannered raccoon, thank you very much.

I broke one cake in half and shared it with my cellmate. Solidarity, you know?

---

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