Chapter 3: Tears and Pills

Tears of heartbreak and shame just start to pour.

Tears no dey gree stop, my eyes red like say I chop pepper. I dey try bite lip, hold cry, but e just dey flow. For that moment, I no even care if anybody go knock door.

Segun words dey echo for my head, dey scatter the small self-esteem wey remain for me.

All the sweet things wey e tell me last night don turn to dust. I dey hear him voice, but na like stranger dey talk. My own na to dey count tiles, dey wipe face with my scarf, hope say the pain go go.

If no be say I hear am with my ear, I no go ever believe say the person wey hold me like treasure last night fit dey so wicked today.

I remember how e dey touch my hair, call me 'my person,' but na today I know say words and actions fit get two different papa.

So, na so e easy to do that kind thing even if love no dey.

For Naija, people dey use body anyhow, but for me, I believe say love dey. Today, na that belief scatter.

Even if person dey carried away, e still fit lie.

I dey reason say, na all those old Nollywood film wey girls dey cry after heartbreak dey real o. This one pass movie.

The happy ending wey I dey dream since na just cruise for dem.

As I dey sniff, I dey laugh myself—see as I dey form love story for head, dey wait fairytale ending. Na cruise dem dey cruise.

The more I cry, the more pain catch me, but I no even fit make sound. My body dey shake.

I dey press hand for mouth, dey swallow sob. Person fit hear me, and for this school, news dey fly. I no wan add my own to dem gist.

After long time,

I just dey stare mirror, eyes swell like yam. Toilet fan dey whine, my own heart dey whine pass am.

my phone ring.

The vibration shock me. I quickly look the screen, see say na Segun. My hand shake, I dey fight make I no answer.

Na Segun.

[Abeg, take keke go house by yourself. I get class hangout tonight—I no fit carry you come.]

Message enter, sharp. E pain me say, after all, na me dey make plan before. I drop phone, no answer.

I no answer am.

E send another message:

[No forget to buy morning-after pill. I no get time today. Abeg, make sure you take am, okay?]

My body cold, na so I dey look phone like say na juju message. I dey read message, mouth open. My heart just freeze. Na the same Segun wey dey beg me yesterday, dey pamper me. Now, na command.

I just dey look the messages, quiet for long.

The screen dey shine for my eye, tears dey drop, I no fit move. All my hope dey scatter.

From night reach morning yesterday, Segun no let me rest. By the time we finish, both of us don tire. Before sleep catch am, he even whisper for my ear:

I remember the way him breath dey hot, the way he hold me, dey call me 'my babe.' I dey blush, dey feel important. That voice still dey my ear.

"I no prepare for your first time. I go remember buy you medicine later."

The words sweet me that time. E dey sound like concern, like say I be him person. I no know say na transaction e dey run.

He talk say make girls dey protect themselves, say morning-after pill important, if you skip am e no good.

He even quote doctor for me, dey form responsible guy. I dey nod, dey reason say na husband material I jam.

That time, I think say e dey responsible, say happiness don finally reach me.

I dey thank God, dey plan future for head, dey imagine how our children go resemble am.

But now…

Na as e be so, I dey see say na mumu level I dey operate. All the love wey I dey form no reach Segun mind.

Everything just clear for my eye.

Like when NEPA carry light, my sense clear. E pain me, but I no fit cry forever.

I dig my nails for my palm, force myself stop to dey cry.

Na so I dey talk for inside: 'Sade, you strong, abeg, no let boy use your head.'

I wipe my tears, arrange myself, waka comot from toilet.

I rinse face, comb my hair, use powder cover eye. I balance bag for shoulder, waka like say nothing do me.

Shame no let me enter chemist, I order the medicine online.

I dey fear say pharmacist go dey look me, dey judge. For this side, people sabi talk pass their mouth. I click order, hide for my room.

After dem drop the delivery for my door, I wait long before I get mind go pick am.

I dey peep from window, dey pray make neighbour no catch me. Small pick courage, tiptoe go collect package, run enter house.

I swallow the pill with tears, just sit for carpet dey look space, body weak.

The pill bitter for throat. I choke am with sachet water, but e no wash away the pain. I just sit, dey look ceiling, dey ask God why.

Since I move from Segun house go next door, I don dey follow am like shadow for ten years.

We dey share fence, our mamas dey share soup. Our compound be like one family. Every Christmas, we dey roast goat together, dey snap picture. I no fit imagine life without Segun shadow.

I never imagine how life go be without am.

Even our neighbours dey call us 'husband and wife.' Na play e start, but now, everything scatter.

I no even get mind imagine am.

To dream of am na like to jump river wey no get bridge. I dey fear, but I dey tell myself, 'You go survive.'

But from today, na only me waka come.

This line heavy for mouth, but as I talk am, I feel small freedom. My own journey just dey start.

Outside my window, city lights dey shine one by one, then everywhere dark.

The hum of generator dey enter my ear, night breeze dey blow curtain. I dey watch street light blink, na so darkness cover everywhere. My hope small, but e dey.

I no even know how long I sit there before my bestie Mumu video call me:

Her call fit wake dead man. As my phone ring, I wipe my eye, try put fake smile.

"Sade, why you no come our class party with Segun this night?"

She dey shout like person wey win bet9ja. I dey try dodge camera, no let am see my swollen eye.

"That Amaka from art class come o, since you no dey, she just dey glue body to Segun. Two of them dey do love up anyhow!"

My chest catch fire, but I form say I no send. I hear music for background, people dey gist, dey laugh.

After Mumu finish, she turn camera.

My hand dey shake. I dey pray say wetin I go see no go break me more.